


White Collar War Crimes

by Szcay



Series: WCWC and related works [1]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe – Canon Divergence, Amos is trying his best, Bad Guys Made Them Do It, Blood and Violence, Consent Issues, Dubious Consent, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, Power Imbalance, Protomolecule Is Gone, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slavery, Sort of sweet despite everything?, Unreliable Narrator, dear sibling don’t read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2018-12-24 18:33:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 66,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szcay/pseuds/Szcay
Summary: An AU where the protomolecule has been destroyed, but it has already disturbed the balance of the system. Earth and Mars are launched into war, lasting only a few bitter months before Mars is defeated. Now the unchallenged masters of the system, Earth demands reparations from the defeated nation that affects the crew of theRociin ways they couldn’t imagine.Amos steps up to a responsibility he never wanted, trying to walk the edge between too far and not far enough. And Alex is made to consider: How long can you play a part before losing yourself to it?Or: Amos acquires a new possession.





	1. Small Steps

**Author's Note:**

> This fic wouldn’t leave me alone, wasn’t meant to be this long, and distracted me from other work that really should take priority. Nonetheless I’m happy to have written it! I taken a few liberties with the canon and I confess I haven’t read the books so as a result there will probably be a few inconsistencies. I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, or if there’s something I can improve, but please no spoilers. ;) Hope you enjoy the read!
> 
> Alternate summary borrowed from Sharksdontsleep's [It Was Spring For A While](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10379229)
> 
> (To anyone wondering when/if there will be more Penny Dreadful from me: hopefully soon! I sure hope it will be soon...)
> 
> Warning: This features scenes of dubiously consensual and non-consensual sex as well as depictions of physical and sexual violence. It contains thoughts on the nature of rape that might be triggering. This is not a depiction of a healthy relationship, nor is the reactions of the characters based in actual psychology. It’s merely fiction.

_The protomolecule_ did _burn up in Venus and the crew of the_ Rocinante _destroyed the last sample at Ganymede. Of course, that doesn’t mean its effects on the solar system went with it..._

 

“As of right now, the new law is in effect.” The newsreader paused for a breath. “For those of you who just join us: the Martian Colonial Government has agreed to the so-called Sponsor Programme, meaning that all Martians outside Mars will need to have an Earther sponsor to be allowed to work, conduct business, or travel outside Mars. This is part of the war-reparations agreement brokered between the Colonial Government and the UN.” She continued but Alex no longer listened.

He’d stayed updated on the war, of course. Heard the news of Mars’ bitter defeat and the loss of their independence. Listened to the rumours of what the winners might do to the defeated. Worried and raged. But they were so far out that he didn’t think it would touch them. Didn’t think it would touch _him_.

When they’d gotten some free time on Apollo Station he’d not hesitated to take the opportunity. Naomi and Holden were off on some romantic dinner or possibly a romantic business negotiation, so Alex and Amos were on their way to find a bar and maybe some company, though Alex’s luck was never good around Amos, unless he accepted his pity-pickups. That was not happening now.

“That’s not good.” Amos said flatly, staring up at the screen.

“You think?” Alex hissed, then immediately looked around, trying to see if anyone was paying them too much attention.

“If you come into contact with a Martian expatriate, please contact the Earth-Martian Sponsor Offices. Neglecting to do so, or hiding any unsponsored Martian, is a criminal offence. Earthers are welcome to register as sponsors for any Martian expatriates they report. Alternatively they’ll receive a monetary reward, open for Earthers and Belters alike.” The newsreader’s voice was as bland as if she was talking about the price of water.

“We have to get back to the ship.” Alex murmured, turning towards the docks. It was a good twenty minutes’ walk. He did _not_ want to find out what this programme entailed. Amos followed, his broad presence a comfort, though Alex would rather have his teeth pulled than admit it. It felt as if he had a bull’s eye painted on his back. He pulled the zipper of his jumpsuit higher, very aware of the MCRN tee he wore underneath. He’d stopped wearing the _Tachi_ jumpsuit weeks ago.

Five minutes in, Amos grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into the doorway of a small shop. When Alex opened his mouth, he hushed him.

“See those cops over there?” He said quietly. “They’re doing ID-checks.” There was indeed a group of five burly Belter cops checking the IDs of anyone not obviously a Belter. They were between them and the docks, and it was likely more of them to come. Alex cursed under his breath, feeling a cold sweat breaking out on his brow.

“There has to be another way.” He realised he was looking to Amos as if he would pull the solution from his sleeve. Stupid, he needed to calm down and start thinking for himself. “There has to be access tunnels or some shit around here.”

“Sure, down there we’ll stick out like a sore thumb and the first Belter we see will report you.” Amos’ voice was still toneless, but low enough not to carry and his eyes were fixed on the cops. “I know what we have to do.” The proprietor was eyeing them suspiciously, Alex tried harder to feign interest for the products she was selling, giving her a small smile. Her eyes narrowed.

“Then let’s do it.” Alex hissed, turning his back on her. Amos hadn’t noticed, eyes scanning the streets.

“You trust me in this?”

“Yes! Whatever it is, yes, but we have to do it now!” From the corner of his eye he saw the proprietor reach for her hand terminal. Amos grabbed his arm and led him outside.

The cops were putting handcuffs on a young man, his companion making a run for it before being grabbed by a squat, muscular guy from the crowd.

“I’ll be claiming this one!” He laughed uproariously. The Belter cop who’d been chasing her put up an argument. The crowd thickened. Amos led them in the other direction.

“Eyes in front, stay quiet.” He whispered. Alex swallowed and took the advice, his heart in his throat. One rumour had been that every Earther would get a Martian slave. Apart from the fact that there weren’t enough Martians, there were numerous reasons why he had discounted that particular theory as alarmist nonsense. He wasn’t so sure of that anymore. That woman had looked terrified.

The mood on the streets was changing, people eyeing each other suspiciously. Whatever looks they drew were averted when people sized up Amos, but that might change at any minute. It was obvious they were not Belters. There was shouting coming from down the street.

Amos pulled them through another door.

“Welcome to the EMSO.” The room they entered was well-lit, white and new, and in stark contrast to the rest of the station. There was a suspicious amount of guards loitering around. “What may I do for you?” The receptionist wore body armour.

“I’d like to register an unsponsored Martian.”

“Amos, what the fuck!” Alex tore his arm free from Amos’ grip, only to be seized by two of the guards. He struggled, but their grip was as solid as stone.

“Certainly, sir. You will be the first on Apollo.” She gave him a toothy salesperson’s smile. “If you just follow my colleagues.” Her ‘colleagues’ were already pulling Alex towards a doorway.

“I trusted you, you emotionless bastard!” Alex shouted at Amos. Fury boiled his blood and he almost managed to pull one arm free from his guards. A quick blow to the head made him see stars. When his vision cleared he was being strapped to a chair. Behind a desk sat another man in body armour with another toothy grin directed at Amos.

“Welcome, may I have your ID please?” Alex tested his straps as Amos and the man spoke. No give. The worst part was that he couldn’t say that he was truly shocked by Amos’ actions. He’d seen a chance to benefit, and he’d taken it. Holden would let him stay on the ship, since throwing him off would now mean losing his pilot too. Or Amos might just take the reward.

Holden. Alex would have taken Holden as his ‘sponsor’ over Amos any day of the week. If he only could have made it to the ship. If only they hadn’t been on Apollo. If only Mars hadn’t lost the war. If only goddamned Eros _had_ crashed to Earth.

The guard checked his ID, fingers pressing roughly under his chin.

“Mr… Kamal.” The salesman man said. “Family back on Mars. Served in the navy. It’s good you brought him in, Mr Burton.”

“I’d like to be his sponsor.” Alex’s heart skipped a beat and he didn’t know if it was from relief or trepidation.

“Certainly.” The grin grew a little toothier. “You will take full legal responsibility of his actions, and in return you will be given full authority over his legal, financial and personal autonomy. To help you enforce this, and to let the EMSO track our sponsored Martians, we will fit him with a microchip and a collar.” Alex stopped listening. The toothy man held up a smooth, white metal circle. They weren’t even pretending that this wasn’t enslavement.

“You can’t do this!” It was a hollow protest, but it escaped his mouth before he could stop it. His voice was distinctly unsteady. “It ain’t right, and you know it.” The toothy man glanced at him, then gestured to one of his grunts and who pressed an injection into Alex’s neck, making his head grow heavy. “Amos, don’t do this.” His speech slurred and his head fell forward.

“We’ve put together some guidelines.” The toothy man’s cheery voice came from far away. “I strongly recommend you read them thoroughly.” A second prick at Alex’s neck, more of a stab, really, the microchip most likely, then the cold metal of the collar, closing with a small whirr. “And there we are, let me just check that it’s working correctly before I transfer control to you.” Electricity jolted through Alex, setting his nerves on fire, making him convulse in his bonds. It was over as soon as it had started, leaving him gasping and tingling.

“You have full control of the collar’s functionalities via your hand terminal, including the correctional shock and the kill switch.” Alex shook his head, trying to clear it. It only made the room spin. “And there we are! Congratulations on your new sponsorship, Mr Burton. Please do return if you find any more unsponsored Martians, for monetary reward or further sponsorships.” The straps were loosened and Amos’ steady grip pulled him out of the chair. The reception was full of people when they exited. Young. Old. Some bleeding. They looked at him with fear.

“Suppose we’d better skip that drink, huh?” Amos murmured when they reached the streets. Alex had to lean on him for support to his great shame, unsteady from the drugs, the electric shock and the blow to the head. He didn’t answer. Amos didn’t pursue it.

There were more cops on the streets now, but if anything the mood was more agitated. The cops seemed more interested in finding Martians than keeping the peace and Alex turned his gaze away so he didn’t have to watch it. They passed without being bothered.

By the time they reached the _Roci_ he was walking on his own, one stubborn step ahead of Amos. If that bastard Earther wanted him to accept this he had another thing coming. Amos didn’t seem fazed, as far as Alex could tell without looking. He just followed quietly. Naomi met them as soon as they entered.

“Alex, we saw the broadcast, are you-” She stopped herself, eyes lowered to his neck. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” He let all his bitterness show in his voice. “Amos here thought he’d be a patriot and report me.” Naomi turned her shocked expression on that damned Earther.

“Amos, why would you do that?”

“There was no other option.” There was a defensive tone to his voice. Alex crossed his arms and glared at him. “They would have caught you before you got another fifty metres, Alex. Then where would you be? Like this you get to stay on the _Roci_.” He made sense and Alex didn’t want him to.

“Fuck your justifications!” The outburst didn’t seem to shock Amos. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? The way those people spoke made me seem like a _slave_ , Amos!” He gave the collar a jerk to emphasise his words, saw Naomi wince from the corner of his eye. Amos’ voice was sincere when he replied.

“I did it for you, brother.” Alex hit him. Amos grabbed him on what seemed to be more instinct than conscious decision, slamming him against the wall and pushing the breath from his lungs.

“Enough!” Holden’s voice rang in the small space. Amos’ grip loosened. “Right now we’re getting off this station, and then we can talk this through. Alex, you’re still the pilot; fly the ship.” He turned his back, expecting to be obeyed. Alex pushed past Amos to follow. The collar felt cold against his skin.

 

Two hours later they were gathered in the mess, cups of good Martian coffee in front of them. Alex stared glumly into his.

“So, you were on the station when the news hit. Explain.” Holden’s voice was steely.

“What’s there to explain? It’s pretty obvious.” Alex muttered.

“You did not agree to this?” Alex glared at him.

“Why the hell would I? I wanted to sneak back to the ship.”

“You weren’t thinking straight. I saw there was only one way out and I took it.” Amos’ voice was infuriatingly calm. Alex didn’t look at him.

“What did you do, Amos?” Naomi’s voice held a warning undertone.

“I took him to the EMSO office.”

“You tricked me.” Alex said bitterly. “You said you had a plan.”

“And I did.”

“Amos, do you understand that Alex might be upset by you not telling him you were turning him in?” She was talking to him as if he was an unruly child. It was infuriating.

“It was for his own protection.”

“That’s what Earth has been saying for years.” Something steely snuck into her tone. “Only now they talk about Mars as well as the Belt.” If only Alex had had her by his side on Apollo. Then he would have stood a chance.

“Amos has a point.” Holden sounded as if the words had a bad taste. “We might have been able to get you off the station, but then what? It will be like this everywhere we go now.”

“So I should be grateful?” Alex spat. Holden gave him a hard look.

“No. But you need to move on. Make the best of a bad situation.” He looked to Amos. “I think you should transfer his… contract to me.” The small spark of irritation Alex felt at Holden talking over his head was overshadowed by the prospect of having an actual normal person holding his leash.

“No.” Amos replied, meeting Holden’s gaze steadily.

“Amos.” Naomi’s reprimand had no effect.

“No, you won’t be able to play the part.” There was insistence in Amos’ voice. “You’re so disgusted by the thought they’ll see right through you.”

“And you’re not.” Holden’s voice was a flat statement. Amos didn’t reply.

“He has a point.” Naomi said. “Better you play the part of the captain turning a blind eye.” Holden gave her a taste of his dark look. Alex felt despair settle over his shoulders.

“Fine. But Alex, nothing will change while you’re on-board.” He gave Amos a glare when he said the last. “Understood?”

“Yeah.” Amos replied easily. He turned to Alex, with that same open look. “I ain’t gonna act any different, brother. This is just paperwork.” Despite himself, Alex felt a little mollified.

“Yeah.” He muttered. He still had the _Roci_. That was something to hold on to.

 

In the mirror, as he prepared for sleep, he took a good look at it. The collar. It was a hard circle, the edge maybe five centimetres in diameter, flatter along the inner rim and a bright white. It was made of several pieces of metal, but they were so tightly fitted it was impossible to get anything between them. Despite his initial feeling of suffocation it wasn’t very tight, leaving enough space for him to fit his hand between it and his skin, but not enough to pull it over his head. He stopped trying before his neck and jaw got chafed raw.

 

He asked Amos for the ‘guidelines’ the EMSO had given him. Reading it made him physically ill, but he pulled through. This had been planned for a long time. The offices, the collars and chips, the handbook, all of it spoke of preparation. He got to a part detailing the conditions for transferring sponsorship, reading as if they’d just changed the word ‘selling’, and barely made it to the toilet before throwing up.

When he’d finished he almost deleted it, but stayed his finger. Knowing the limitations of his new existence had its uses. He kept the file.

 

Weeks passed and he got used to the weight around his neck. When they were in space he almost forgot about it. Until he watched the broadcasts they picked up. Until they had to dock for deliveries and resupplies. He saw other Martians with white collars. Men and women, young and old. Youths. Children under fifteen were mercifully exempt from the programme and sent back to Mars if found.

Some were obviously poorly treated, with torn clothes and bruised faces. Others looked to be doing a little better. It took him a while to realise that those tended to be a little younger, a little better-looking. It hit him as he saw a petite woman being pulled down to sit on a fat man’s lap, his thick fingers around her collar. He kissed her, and Alex saw her eyebrows scrunch up.

“They’re calling them ‘trinkets’.” Naomi said darkly next to him. Amos was hooking up the water a few metres away. He’d not left Alex for a minute since they’d stepped off the ship.

“Sounds better than sex slaves.” He said hoarsely.

That evening he had a drink with Amos at some bar. They didn’t speak much, but things felt almost normal between them. As long as Alex’s eye didn’t catch a collared Martian.

 

A week later they were hailed by the UNN _Orcinus_. Alone on the bridge, Alex answered in his normal, pleasant tone.

“This is the _Rocinante_ , what can we do for you?”

“ _Rocinante_ , you have a Registered Martian Expatriate on-board, correct?” The voice on the other side was cold and military.

“Yeah. Why?” Alex voice lost some of his smoothness when he answered.

“Prepare for inspection.” Before he could answer the line was cut. Swallowing he turned on the ship-wide comms.

“Guys, we’re about to get some company.”

They gathered at the airlock to greet the UN soldiers. With Mars again a colony of the UN there was no one disputing their claim to the _Roci_ , no need to keep them off the ship. There were two of them, a man and a woman, both with stern faces behind their helmets.

“This is a routine inspection. Who is the captain here?” Holden stepped up. “Are you sponsoring this Duster?” She gestured at Alex, his collar making him stand out like a beacon.

“I am not.” Holden’s voice was like ice. The soldier gave him a derisive look.

“You then.” She addressed Amos; Naomi’s tattoo marked her as clearly as Alex’s collar, but she wore hers of free will. “You treat him well?” Alex fisted his hands, but kept his head down.

“When he’s deserved it.” Amos drawled.

“He certainly looks very well treated.” There was something almost accusatory in her voice. “A more suspicious person might think you’re not going with the programme. You sure you have what it takes to be a sponsor?” Amos gave her a slow grin.

“I like to keep my toys in good condition.” Alex cringed at his tone, at the _insinuation_ dripping from it. The soldier gave a short laugh.

“I suppose each have their own taste.” Malicious approval in her tone. Her colleague grinned. The collar felt like iron around Alex’s throat, but the UN-soldiers left.

“Amos, what the hell?” Alex breathed as soon as the shuttle disengaged.

“It’s better they think I fuck you than that I’m too soft on you.” His eyes bored into Alex and Alex couldn’t take it right now. He sank down on a bench and let his head fall into his hands. Vaguely he noticed Holden and Naomi leaving. Good, let them steer them _far_ away from the UN navy, he’d forgive them for touching his darling’s controls, just this once. Amos crouched in front of him.

“Alex, you’ve seen how it is. The only Martians without bruises are the ones whose sponsors are sleeping with them. Or someone whose sponsor isn’t going with the programme. And neither Earthers nor Belters are sticking up for the Martians, so we have to play the part or this will end badly.” Alex shook his head.

“I’m not gonna pretend to be your fuck buddy.”

“No, you’re gonna pretend I’m raping you.” He said it so matter-of-factly. Alex shuddered.

“They won’t believe that.” It was a ridiculous plan. Alex knew he wasn’t bad-looking, but Amos could do far, far better.

“They will. Power does strange things to people.” Something in his eyes made Alex wonder what experience he based that on.

“So you’re…” He couldn’t say it. “Raping me.” The word tasted like metal. “Won’t they realise it’s a lie?” Amos drew a breath, his eyes drifting to the side for a moment.

“No.” He sounded far away. “We’ll make up a story. Something you can tell them if asked. Something you can base your behaviour on when there’s people around.” It wasn’t a bad idea. God knew if the next _inspection_ would be as easily dealt with as this one. And Alex could handle a story.

“Okay.” The word felt like surrender. Amos’ eyes snapped back to Alex’s and he gave him a friendly clap on the shoulder, a bit too hard as always.

“Good. Come to my cabin after dinner and we’ll talk. Take off the ring.” Alex looked down on his hand to the only remaining link to the life he’d had. At least they were safe back on Mars.

 

Amos’ door loomed foreboding before Alex and he pressed the chime before he could have a change of heart. It was only talking. He could handle it. Only a nice chat about his theoretical rape, which could maybe, _maybe_ have been real, had the circumstances been different. What would have happened if they’d tried to leave Apollo station instead of going to the EMSO? Would he be living out that scenario now? He wouldn’t have been on the _Roci_ , for sure. His ring-finger felt cold and naked.

Amos opened the door and gestured him inside. The room looked no different to the handful of times Alex had been there before. He took a chair. Amos sat opposite.

“So, how are we gonna play this?” Alex blurted out when Amos didn’t start talking immediately. “Come on, man. I won’t stay the whole night.” Bad choice of words; unfortunate associations bounced through his mind.

“This is how it happens:” Amos’ voice was steady, his gaze focused on Alex. “I call you to my cabin, just like this. When you enter I push you down on the bed.” Alex swallowed. “I start by kissing you, if I’m in a good mood. Then I make you undress while I get my dick out.” His voice was calm, as if what he was saying wasn’t horrible. Alex felt a cold sweat break out on his brow. “Sometimes I just make you suck me until you gag while spit and come runs down your chin. Sometimes I slick you up, taking my time so I don’t damage you, one finger at a time in a slow stretch that almost feels good and then take you on all fours, right on that bed. Sometimes I take you on your back, knees pushed to your chest so you almost can’t breathe, so I can watch you trying to hide how much you hate it.” Alex couldn’t listen anymore.

“Jesus, stop. Just stop.” His voice was unsteady, his stomach rolling. “I can’t do this, I’m leaving.” Amos’ hand around his wrist, uncharacteristically gentle, stopped him.

“Alex, you have to.” He said urgently. Alex glanced back at him, thinking he saw something apologetic in his face. He was probably deluding himself. “This, the way you shrink away, it’s a dead giveaway. Anyone who knows what to look for will know we’re lying, and then they’ll make sure you end up with someone who will treat you like shit.” Alex shivered; any other sponsor would be worse. And they’d take him away from the _Roci_. There wasn’t a real choice.

“Fine.” He gritted out, sitting down again. Amos withdrew his hand. “So you fuck me, what else could we possibly need to discuss?”

“What do you do, when you’re on your back with my dick in your ass?” Alex knew he phrased it that crudely as a test, and he failed it, fumbling for words.

“What… What do you mean, do? I close my eyes and try not to think of it, I’d reckon.”

“I tell you to keep your eyes open. You’re not allowed to look away.” Alex’s leg began to nervously bounce up and down.

“I…” He licked his suddenly dry lips. His mind was blank, shying away from the mental image.

“Do you enjoy it? If I brush up against your prostate? If I jerk you off?” He didn’t wait for a reply, probably realising that none was forthcoming. “Sometimes I make you enjoy it. Make you come all over your stomach before I finish, inside you.” It would have been less creepy if there had been anything lecherous at all in his demeanour, but his voice was steady, his face almost-apologetic. Alex felt like he was under some terrible spell, hypnotised by Amos’ even voice, mind rebelling against the hypothetical scenario he painted. “Sometimes I just fuck you, hard and fast. Can you keep quiet? As soon as I pull out I kick you out of bed, only letting you wash up enough not to upset the others before you leave.” Alex felt a small tremor begin between his shoulder blades. Amos leaned in, and it was all he could do not to lean back. “This feeling you’re having right now, like your skin trying to crawl away from you? That’s how it feels. Sooner or later you get desensitised, or you break.” He leaned back. “Try to act desensitised.” With that, Alex was free to go, feeling none the wiser for the encounter, but far more unsettled.

 

His acting skills were good enough for the next few stops they made, for another routine inspection. He lowered his gaze when Amos told them _just how well he treated him_ and tried to look dead inside. Their next stop was Ceres.

Belters had a particular way of looking at him, he found. It was a mixture of their disdain for Inners, a sense of just desserts, and some kind of pity, born out of shared oppression. He caught Naomi with the look of pity on her face more than once, but mercifully never aimed at him. However the Belters may look at him, they didn’t show him any of that pity.

“Hurry up with da box, _pomang_.” A tall, thin Belter smirked at him as he off-loaded their delivery. Alex knew the Belter word for Martian, and ever since their defeat it had sounded more derogatory every time he heard it. Naomi replied in angry-sounding creole.

“Why bother? There’s just gonna be more guys like him.” Alex muttered. “Let’s just get these crates off and be done with it.” They placed their load, the last of it, on the assigned spot and tuned back to the _Roci_. Between them and the ship was four thick Belters with faces covered in ink.

“Oye, Belta, why you defending the Earther’s _towchu_?” Alex straightened, sizing the men up. It didn’t seem like a fight they were going to win. Others were eyeing them, but didn’t look likely to help.

“They aren’t the problem anymore.” Naomi replied coolly. “What does it say about us that the moment they fall below Belters we’re right there to kick them further down?”

“They been plenty happy to kick us.” The leader smirked at Alex. “I say we kick them back.”

“Then you’re as bad as the Inners.” Naomi’s voice held condemnation. A few of the Belters glared at her. “We need to be better than them, not sink to their level.” At the moment, Alex didn’t mind being referred to as someone at a lower moral level, not if Naomi could talk them out of this situation.

“Everything okay here?” Amos’ heavy hand landed on Alex’s shoulder in an unmistakable gesture of possession. He lowered his face, embarrassment heating his cheeks. The Belters laughed.

“Everything okay, _tumang_.” The leader of the gang gave Amos a nasty smile. “We were talking ‘bout your pet. Must be a good fuck to be so well kept.” The others laughed. Alex glared at them before he could stop himself. “Yeah, little trinket? Want to make something from it?” From the corner of his eye he saw Amos shifting his feet as if getting ready to fight. Naomi squared her shoulders at his side.

“Okay, everyone, Star Helix, break it up.” Two tired-sounding police officers appeared from the crowd and Alex drew a breath of relief. “You, Duster, back on the ship. Don’t cause trouble here.” Amos looked like he was about to protest, but Naomi stopped him with a hand on his arm. Alex was only too happy to get back on the _Roci_.

 

Inside, Amos drew him aside.

“You need to do better.”

“What was I supposed to do? They were sizing me up the minute I stepped off the ship.” Alex kept his voice low despite his irritation, not wanting to broadcast their argument. Amos shook his head.

“You were ready to jump that guy for the way he talked.” His voice was infuriatingly calm.

“Yeah, well, I’m sick of it.”

“This is what I was talking about. Desensitisation. You shouldn’t let him get to you, because it’s true and you get worse than a bit of talk every day.” Alex swallowed, realisation hitting him. “Acting like that, especially when I’m right there, makes you look too proud and too comfortable. We’ll be lucky if no one tips off the EMSO for the scrip.”

“Shit.” Alex breathed.

“You need to do better.” Amos said quietly, sincerely.

“I don’t know if I can.” Alex whispered. Amos frowned.

“Try.” He put a hand on Alex’s shoulder again, and Alex tensed. “Don’t do that. Relax.” His voice got that eerie edge of hypothetical abuse again. “Tensing won’t help, it won’t make me stop. You submit because it makes it easier. You’re embarrassed by the onlookers but it doesn’t matter, because their scorn is easier to bear than my disapproval.” Alex forced himself to relax, letting the fight drain out of him. “That’s good, Alex.” Amos said quietly. He pulled him into a loose hug and Alex’s skin crawled but he didn’t resist. “Very good. You need to remember this. You need to be what they see when they look at you.” Alex pulled away, too agitated to bear Amos’ quiet voice in his ear. He didn’t stop when Amos called after him.

 

“So, what now?” They were back in Amos’ cabin, because Alex wasn’t stupid enough to let his frustration prevent him from taking Amos’ advice. Keeping them out of trouble was more important. He paced, trying to work off some of his agitation.  There were no Earther officers knocking on their door. Yet.

Amos’ hands on his shoulders stilled him. Alex tensed.

“We practice.” The hands that were slowly stroking Alex’s upper arms were in stark contrast to Amos’ firm gaze. It took an effort of will to relax. One hand slid up to rest against the back of his neck, under the metal collar and he got stiff as a board. Amos sighed and released him.

“I’m sorry, okay. It’s really fucking creepy.”

“Sit.” Amos took his own advice and sank into a chair. “I’m the EMSO, or the navy, or some random Earther patriot. Tell me, how does it feel when your sponsor puts his dick in you?” Alex froze, half-seated.

“Bad.” He said flatly, sitting down.

“Be detailed. What are you thinking when he does it?” Alex swallowed, searching his mind for something plausible.

“I try to think of something else. Like the ship. The flight plan.” He muttered. Amos gave him an approving look.

“How do you justify it to yourself?”

“I’m just trying to survive.”

“How would you describe your sponsor?”

“He’s…” Alex drew a blank. “He’s… There are worse sponsors, I think.” Amos’ expression was unreadable.

“I put my hand on your thigh. What do you do?” This word-game may be familiar to him now, but it still made his stomach roll.

“As my sponsor or a random Earther?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes!” The thought of someone _else_ taking that kind of liberty wasn’t something Alex ever wanted to consider.

“Good.” Alex realised it had been a test. “As your sponsor, then.”

“Nothing. I wait to see what you want.” Like the good little slave.

“I shift my hand higher up, cupping your junk. What are you thinking?” Amos’ tone bored into his head.

“I don’t know!” Alex got up from his chair and resume his pacing. “I can’t do it. Can’t you just give me a black eye or something?”

“I could.” Amos was still seated. “But it wouldn’t fool someone sharp, not without the rest of it.”

“Shit!” Alex banged his fist against the wall. He was well and truly fucked. Amos rose, and he instinctively tensed up.

“Listen, Alex.” Alex thought there was hesitation in his voice. “This is what we’ll do.”

“Yeah?” Alex felt tired at once, worn out from the adrenaline and the hopelessness that was his life. He leaned heavily against the wall.

“We’re going to fuck.” At first he thought he’d heard him wrong, that this was one of Amos’ messed up jokes, but he didn’t look like he was joking and the room seemed suddenly way too small.

“You’re joking, right?” It came out a bit too accusatory. It had to be a joke, a trick to make him act better.

“We’ll go slow and it will help you act the part.” His eyes bored into Alex’s. “I won’t hurt you.” He added in a lower voice. Alex pressed further back against the wall.

“Why is your every answer to a situation completely messed up?” There was a frantic sound to his voice. Amos took a step back, giving Alex the space he needed to slow down his breathing.

“These are our options: We fuck and it helps you act the part of the cowed trinket.” He sounded troubled as well, concerned perhaps. “We don’t, and maybe they don’t inspect us today, or maybe the guys they send aren’t that bright and everything is fine.” He paused, fixing Alex with an urgent gaze. “Or maybe they find out, maybe today or maybe another day, and arrest the whole crew for hiding you and send you back to the EMSO where they’ll find you a sponsor who will beat you or fuck you or both.”

“Fine!” Alex took a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart. “You’ve made your point, I get it! Just give me a minute.” As much as he didn’t want it, he had to admit that the alternative was worse.

“Have you ever slept with a guy?” Amos apparently didn’t feel like a minute was necessary.

“Jesus! No, I haven’t.” Amos hummed in response.

“Shame.” Alex didn’t know what the hell to make of that. For a moment they watched each other in silence. Finally Alex couldn’t bear it anymore.

“Go ahead then.” He regretted the words as soon as Amos started moving, stepping close enough that they were almost touching.

“Typically, I start by kissing you.” His hand came up to rest against the side of Alex’s neck.

“Isn’t that out of character for my evil Earther sponsor?” Alex asked, possibly in a bid for more time.

“No, I like you, and I want to have all of you.” His gaze fell to Alex’s mouth, and Alex shivered. “When I kiss you, it’s possessive, uncaring.” Amos leaned in and Alex squeezed his eyes shut. It was the opposite of what he’d said, soft and careful, just a faint brush of slightly parted lips, almost sweet. Alex wanted nothing more than to shove him away, but forced himself into stillness. Amos’ thumb was moving in slow strokes over his neck. His lips pressed a little firmer against Alex’s, which he kept resolutely closed. “Cooperate, Alex.” Amos whispered, then ran his tongue over Alex’s lips. Alex gave in.

Granted entrance, Amos kissed like an expensive prostitute, dirty and open-mouthed, all lips and tongue and promise of sex. The contrast was startling. His stubble scraped Alex’s lips and an arm like a steel beam circled his waist. Amos seemed focused on giving, rather than taking, which didn’t suit their roles but Alex was glad for it. Otherwise he didn’t think he could have managed. He let his arms hang at his sides; touching Amos back was a step too far for him right now, but he made the effort to relax into the kiss.

It wasn’t so bad, if he could ignore the stubble and the ostentatious masculinity of the body pressed against his.

“Good.” Amos’ tone was still collected, and Alex was hysterically grateful. It was enough that he could feel the word being whispered against his lips, he didn’t need Amos to sound _affected_. Alex clenched his hands at his sides. “You stay passive, unless you’re absolutely sure of what I want. It’s safest that way.” Amos pulled away, leaving his arms around Alex. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” His voice sounded rough. Amos’ hand was resting against the back of his neck, stroking the damp skin under his collar. He was shaking a little, now that Amos’ mouth wasn’t stealing his attention. Faint nausea rolled in his stomach. Amos gave him a small nod.

“I make you undress, even if I only want to use your mouth.” He unzipped Alex’s jumpsuit and pushed it off his shoulders in a sliding motion that was far too much like a caress. Alex couldn’t look him in the face, so he closed his eyes, letting Amos pull his t-shirt over his head, fingers skimming his sides. His hands burned on Alex’s hips, but he couldn’t make himself participate in his undressing and so just stood there passively while Amos slid his jumpsuit and boxers down and made him step out of it, leaving him naked and barefoot, anchored to the floor only by Ceres’ rotation. He covered himself with a hand over his crotch.

“You’re always naked, but I only take off what I need to. There’s power in keeping my clothes on when you don’t get to.” Such a cold, clinical assessment, but Amos followed it by pulling his own shirt over his head. Perhaps it was meant as reassurance, but Amos’ chiselled chest made Alex feel both inadequate and intimidated. He divested of the rest of his clothing in the same easy manner.

Some part of Alex’s brain was screaming, but Amos had a point; it was either this, where he could consent and withdraw that consent if need be, or it was some unknown factor later. It was just skin, even if it covered thick muscles. It was only Amos, even though Alex had never thought they’d do anything even remotely like this. He resolutely did not let his eyes slide down Amos’ muscled front, feeling as if his tenuous control of his nerves might slip if he did. Amos had no such scruples.

“I like to watch you.” He said. That simple statement, more than the others somehow, made Alex’s face heat up.

“No one would believe that.” He muttered. He knew how he looked, was acutely aware of the softness around his middle that had developed since his early navy days. Amos gave him a small smile.

“It makes it more believable.” Alex shook his head, but before he could think of a reply Amos stepped closer, almost into contact and he froze. Amos placed a hand at the centre of his chest, combing his fingers through the hair there in a tickling touch. “Most of the time, we’re on the bed.”

Alex wished he could say it was cold that made his knees shake as he crossed the small distance. If he tried to think of what they were about to do, his mind blanked out. Better to think of it in small steps. He was going to go sit on the bed. That was something he could do. Amos’ hand on his shoulder bid him to lie on his back. He could do that too. He flinched when it touched his face.

“I won’t hurt you, Alex.” Amos repeated and Alex nodded. The bed dipped as he lay on his side, head propped on his hand and facing Alex. Close enough to feel the heat coming off his skin. His tone changed, slipping back into hypothetical. “Of course, sometimes I do. When I’m upset with you, or can’t be bothered to be careful.” The clinical tone was in sharp contrast to the soft touch, stroking his cheek, slipping down to slide over his beard, then down his neck. “But most of the time I don’t hurt you.” His hand was on the arm that shielded Alex’s nakedness, pulling it slowly but firmly away. Alex’s shivering worsened and he fought stay still.

Amos leaned down to kiss him, and Alex was almost grateful for something else to steal his focus. Even if it was Amos’ slow, invested kisses. Even if it was the way his chest brushed Alex’s. Even if it was the weight of him as he shifted to be on top of him. Small steps. It was only kissing. Only naked kissing. With Amos. He could do that. Amos was very considerately angling his groin away from contact. Alex fisted his hands against the mattress.

“This is how I like to begin.” Amos murmured, mouthing against Alex’s beard, then moving down to the sensitive skin of his neck. “When we have the time. Does it make it better or worse for you?”

“I don’t know.” Alex groaned. “Worse?” He suspected a trinket would want it to be finished sooner rather than later. Right now he was grateful for the delay, even if it was the heat of Amos’ mouth and the tickling scrape of his stubble against Alex’s neck. It occurred to him that under different circumstances he might have enjoyed this.

“You want it over with.” Amos hummed, running his lips over Alex’s collarbone. “When I’m good and ready I make you turn over, on your hands and knees.” The weight lifted as Amos drew back, leaving a chill in his absence. For a moment Alex looked up at him, silently pleading, but though Amos’ face bore that expression of almost-apology, his gaze was firm. Slowly Alex turned over. Amos retrieved something from his bedside.

“I prepare you thoroughly, always. I don’t want to damage you. You need to be able to pilot the ship.” Amos said quietly from behind, nudging Alex’s legs further apart. He heard the sound of a cap opening, the wet sound of lubricant being squeezed out. He tried to focus on something else. “And I will take it slow. Try to relax.” Alex could do this, it was only a finger up his ass. He’d had a finger up his ass before, on occasion, and enjoyed it. Of course, that had been a woman’s slender finger, and the cold, slick digit that pressed suddenly against him was very thick. He jerked away, and Amos hushed him, putting his other hand on the small of Alex’s back. It really shouldn’t have been calming, but right then it was.

“You’re doing fine, Alex.” Amos hummed. “Just breathe.” The finger returned, not pushing, just circling, slowly warming to something less threatening. Amos’ other hand rubbed Alex’s back. Alex breathed. The finger pressed a little firmer and he tensed up again. Amos stopped pushing and resumed the slow massage. Alex felt his naked thigh touch his leg. It was easier to focus on his body rather than his thoughts right now. He breathed, and the next time the finger pushed in he let it. Cold sweat broke out on his skin. He focused on relaxing as the finger pressed further inside in a slow, wrong, slide.

“That’s good.” Amos whispered. Alex wanted him to be quiet, but was scared what might slip out if he opened his mouth to tell him. Amos took his time, and it was easier to relax for the second finger, though it burned. Alex must have made a small sound, as Amos hushed him.

“Sometimes…” He began, and Alex hated that word, dreaded what would come next. “I do it just like this, not caring if you like it. Sometimes...” The hand slipped off Alex’s back, and around his waist. “I make sure you enjoy yourself too.” Alex startled as Amos’ hand touched his limp cock, clenching down around Amos’ fingers. It only made that sense of wrongness stronger. Amos kissed his spine and crooked his fingers. A jolt of unwelcome pleasure shot through Alex and he gasped. He couldn’t do this.

“Amos-” He began, but didn’t finish. If they stopped now he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to continue. Didn’t know if he’d be able to stay on the _Roci_ with Amos there. And, he thought as he felt himself swell in Amos’ grip, perhaps it would be easier like this. Perhaps it wouldn’t give him so much time to think. Amos was still pressing wet kisses to his back, leaning on him, his weight a steady downwards pressure. Heat pooled in Alex’s stomach, brought on by Amos’ hands, and he found that he didn’t have to force himself to relax, that his body was already loosening, coaxed open. The pain of the third finger wasn’t so bad and when Amos withdrew completely Alex felt empty, clenching down around nothing.

“Sometimes…” Amos’ voice might have been lower now, slightly huskier. “I have you like this, when I want to fuck you deep and hard.” His hands gripped Alex’s hips, one dry and the other slippery. Alex’s mind felt soft and hazy. The tip of Amos’ cock pressed thick and hot against his hole. It was too big, it would never fit, and Alex wanted to open his mouth to say so, but he couldn’t find the words and Amos _pushed_ and it hurt, making him break out in new sweat, making his breathing pick up, making him acutely aware of _just what they were doing_.

“You’re okay, Alex.” Amos murmured in his ear. “Breathe.” Alex took a deep, gasping breath, and then another and another. “You’re good, Alex. I’ve got you.” There was a definite strain to Amos’ voice now, but Alex didn’t dwell on it, instead focusing on his own too-quick breathing, on the slow, thick pressure of Amos’ cock, the feeling of wrongness, the discomfort that made his palms damp. It didn’t feel quite real, like it wasn’t really happening, or perhaps not happening to him. “Alex.” Amos said in his ear. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” There was nothing hypothetical in his voice.

“I don’t know.” Alex gasped. Amos stilled. “It’s not real.”

“It is.” There was something urgent in the way Amos said it. “Don’t disconnect. It will be worse if you do. Focus on breathing. Focus on what you’re feeling, the physical sensation. Small things. This is real.” Alex groaned, but tried to do as he said. He focused, not on the too-full feeling in his ass, but on the fabric of the bed below him. On the taste of dry spaceship air. On the weight of Amos’ head where it rested against Alex’s back. The feeling of unreality slowly receded.

“Okay.” His breath was still coming too fast, but he couldn’t help it. “I’m okay.”

“I’ll take it slow.” Amos whispered, changing his position, bending down and dividing his weight between Alex and one arm. The other, slick one, reached down to wrap around Alex’s cock, which had turned soft in his distress. Alex focused on that feeling, the slow, familiar slide over his cock. Amos’ significant weight should have made him feel caged, but right then it helped keeping him together. When Amos resumed the slow push inwards, finally burying himself completely, Alex was breathing steadily again, feeling himself growing hard in Amos’ grip.

“You okay?” Amos’ voice was definitely affected now, but Alex chose to disregard it, just nodding. He somehow didn’t think his hypothetical evil rapist would have cared this much for his wellbeing. Amos shifted slightly, putting a bit more weight on Alex before starting to rock back and forth in a slow, careful slide. It was uncomfortable but bearable, contrasted against the swifter motions over Alex’s cock.

“Just move, Amos.” He breathed, nerves too frayed for any more patience. Perhaps Amos felt the same, because he picked up his pace, the careful shifts turning into deep thrusts, adjusting his angle with every one, searching. When he finally found the sweet-spot, a moan tore itself from Alex’s mouth. The particulars of the situation no longer mattered so much, his body was satisfied with the dual stimulation, outside and in, Amos became a comforting weight on top of him rather than a threatening intruder, his small grunts just puffs of air against Alex’s skin. Alex focused on those sensations, feeling the pleasure beginning to build inside him.

Amos straightened and pulled out and Alex gasped with the sudden emptiness.

“Turn over.” His voice was throaty, sending a shiver down Alex’s spine that he told himself was apprehension. He almost collapsed on the bed. Amos kneeled above him, face flushed and eyes wide where they rested on Alex. Before he could stop himself, Alex glanced down, taking in his jutting, slick cock. It was far too thick to have fit inside him, but it had. He wished he hadn’t looked. Amos bent over him, mercifully obscuring the view.

“I want to watch you.” He breathed and Alex wasn’t entirely clear on if it was his hypothetical rapist who was speaking, or Amos himself. This close his eyes were all pupil. His mouth was burning hot and Alex kissed back without thinking, throwing his arms around Amos’ shoulders to pull him close. When Amos pushed his legs up, sending a twinge up his spine, and thrust inside he welcomed it.

It was a more difficult angle, and both of Amos’ hands were on his legs, leaving Alex’s cock trapped between their bodies, never getting quite enough friction. But Amos’ kissed as if he wanted to devour him, and after a few thrusts he found the right angle, making Alex tingle. The world was reduced to the slick slide of skin against skin, to soft sounds that he couldn’t quite hold back and Amos’ restrained huffs against his lips.

“When I’m happy with you…” Amos’ pulled away to speak, but cut himself off with a groan. Alex couldn’t look away from his red-kissed lips. “I let you touch yourself. Do it.” Compelled, Alex removed one hand from Amos’ firm back to wrap hesitantly around his own cock. There was a difference: before this was something that was done to him. Now he was participating. But his cock throbbed and ached with every thrust of Amos’ and soon Alex was pumping himself in time with their movement, suffocating his moans against Amos’ shoulder. He felt his climax approaching, the edge nearing.

“Stop.” Amos’ voice broke through the haze, aided by the way he pulled away, _again_.

“No, please.” Alex groaned.

“Last time.” Amos breathed, before giving him a wet kiss. Alex wrapped his legs around him and tried to pull him back down in a gesture that would have mortified him if he’d been in his right mind, but Amos’ was immovable. “Come here.” Amos flipped them effortlessly and now Amos was on his back with Alex looking down at him.

“Now…” He began, and Alex shivered. “You have to do the work.” He shifted his hips, and Alex felt the warm tap of his erection bouncing against his ass. For a moment he just stared, struggling with the concept. But the urgency of his arousal had not faded and he focused on that, raising himself up on shaking legs, enough that he could shift backwards and get Amos’ erection lined up. This time when he pushed down, he was controlling the motion, Amos commendably still and patient beneath him. There was almost no resistance, just a gaping need that seemed to reach into Alex’s very core. He sank down in one smooth slide, sitting down on Amos’ hips and taking him completely. He rested there for just a second of thoughtless sensation before rising up and sinking down again, building an addictive rhythm, adjusting the angle until every downward movement made stars dance before his eyes.

“Like this…” Amos’ voice broke, and Alex looked down at him, taking in his absorbed expression. “You wouldn’t be allowed to come.” He broke off into a groan, and Alex sped up his motions, just a little. “I wouldn’t let you come all over me.” But his hand crept forward to wrap firmly around Alex’s leaking cock. With Amos deep inside him, and his hand jerking him firmly it took only seconds before Alex gasped and shuddered through his climax, long ropes of white come streaking across Amos’ chest. There seemed to be no end to it, a continuous, pulsing pleasure tearing itself free from inside of him.

He slumped, still impaled on Amos’ cock, resting with his hands on his chest, uncaring of the mess getting on his fingers. Amos released his spent cock and took a firm hold of his hips, holding him still as he thrust up into him and Alex could only hold on, his whole body shaking from exertion. It took moments before Amos gave a few, final jerks and grew still, his eyes screwed shut as he pursued his release. When he let Alex go, he fell to the side with a distinctly wet and leaky feeling as Amos slipped out.

For a moment he just lay there, half-resting against Amos, breathing as if he’d run a mile. No thoughts yet. Just breathing. It had been a long time since he’d done anything as intense as that. He felt Amos shift next to him, heard him fumble for something by the bedside. He opened his eyes, saw Amos wiping his chest down with a t-shirt, and he was not expecting the sight to be so erotic. He was fucked. In both senses of the word.

“Hey.” Amos’ tone was again calm and matter-of-fact, that hungry voice from before hidden away. “You okay, Alex?” The answer to that question was far too complex to articulate, or even consider. Alex nodded, feeling increasingly self-conscious with every passing moment. The collar was digging into the side of his neck but he had no energy to move it. Amos’ hand landed heavily on his shoulder, and Alex twitched in a half-realised attempt to jerk away. “Hey, you did good. It’s all over now. Take your time, go get washed up and go back to your cabin.” Alex wanted to believe it really was all over. It didn’t feel like it. Not when he lay here, sweaty and sticky in a room smelling like sex, his body aching all over but in the most appealing way while his mind gaped in horror at what had happened during its temporary inattention. Small steps.

He pushed himself up on trembling arms. Either he’d gotten older real fast, or Amos had just taken that much out of him. Or into him.

Don’t think. Small steps. He borrowed Amos’ bathroom to give himself a quick wipe-down, grimacing at the feeling of come leaking out of his sore ass. Just the touch of his own fingers made an ache of a different kind spread up his spine. He pushed the feeling away. Got out, got dressed. Amos halted him before he could reach the door.

“Alex.” There was a frown on his face. Alex leaned on the wall, waiting for him to speak. “Say something.”

“What is there to say?” Alex’s voice came out hoarse and slightly painful. He wondered just what sounds he’d made towards the end. Amos’ hand landed on his shoulder and he twitched, but didn’t tense up or pull away.

“You’ll be okay.” Amos said, his whole demeanour dripping with sincerity. “Get some rest. Eat something. You’ll be okay.” Alex nodded and Amos finally let him go.

 

He thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t run into Naomi or Holden on his way back. He didn’t think he could have taken it. With his door firmly locked behind him he stripped and went straight to the shower. He turned the heat up as far as it would go and sank down on the floor under the spray. He would get up and get properly clean in a minute. Then he’d have a cup of coffee. After that he’d sit down and consider what had just happened and what it meant. But first he would sit here for a minute.

He stayed in the shower until the water turned cold.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Belter glossary, courtesy of the [internet](http://expanse.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Belter_Creole_individual_articles):  
> pomang - Martian  
> towchu - slave  
> tumang - Earther
> 
> Terms specific for this fic:  
> EMSO - Earth-Mars Sponsor Office  
> RME - Registered Martian Expatriate
> 
> Some music?  
> [Young Heretics - I Know I'm a Wolf](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiSFPN37hhE)


	2. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all that have read, commented and left kudos! If you've gotten this far, perhaps you'd like to know that this fic is written in full, all that remains is editing and polishing.
> 
> Warnings apply.

It took couple of days until Alex could look Amos in the eye again. A couple of days where he stayed on the ship while Naomi and Holden were off doing business and Amos hovered, sometimes bringing him a snack or a drink as if he was worried Alex wasn’t eating. Alex was eating just fine, thank you. He just wasn’t talking. Whenever he looked at Amos he remembered that mindless, addicting feeling of being held down, being filled up. It made his skin crawl and his stomach turn. It wasn’t so much about Amos being a guy as it was about Alex. He hadn’t expected to react like that, didn’t recognise himself. Hadn’t expected to like that, hadn’t wanted to. He’d consented, sure, because there had been no other choice, but he had expected to grit his teeth and just bear it. Not ride Amos in senseless lust.

He pushed the thought down before he choked on the shame of it. That wasn’t him. Enjoying it had meant nothing; it hadn’t been his choice. It was his body responding in the way it was programed, nothing more.

“Hey.” Naomi’s voice came from behind him. He spun his chair, seeing her clear the final rung of the ladder up to the navigation floor. It felt like an intrusion, having someone else here, but he could hardly fault her. “You okay?”

“I’m just fine.” He affected something like his normal voice, but she wasn’t buying it.

“You haven’t been outside since the trouble with those Belters. You shouldn’t shut yourself away because of some assholes.” She really was very sweet. And thankfully very wrong about what was troubling him. “Why don’t we go out tonight? I’ll take you to a better district.”

“Thanks, but me and the _Roci’_ s got a quiet night in planned. You and Holden have fun.” A pause followed his words.

“Alex, is Amos bothering you?” Maybe she wasn’t so wrong after all. “Tell me and I’ll talk sense into him.”

“He doesn’t need sense talked into him, that’s the problem.” Alex growled, pushing away his screen. Naomi met his gaze evenly. Alex sighed.

“He’s trying to help me act the part of the cowed trinket MX when we’re out.” MX, the colloquial term for Martian expatriates. Alex hated the word. “I’m not handling it very well.” He admitted. Naomi placed a soft hand on his shoulder, so different from Amos’ heavy weight. Alex relaxed his muscles. Amos’ concern for him hadn’t stopped him from continuing to test Alex with small touches, and Alex had to admit he was getting better at it.

“You’ll manage.” Naomi squeezed his shoulder for emphasis. “Hang in there, Alex. Do consider coming out tonight, Holden’s busy so I need the company. And we leave tomorrow.” She said the last over her shoulder as she descended the steps, leaving Alex once again alone with _Roci_ and his thoughts.

 

It took him only a few minutes to find Amos; the _Roci_ wasn’t a big ship and thankfully Amos was in the mess, not his cabin. Alex wasn’t sure he would be able to go back there.

“Hey, brother.” Amos’ greeting was casual enough, but his eyes were like lasers on Alex’s back. Alex strolled up to the counter and got a cup of coffee he had no interest in.

“Hi.” He replied quietly. He took a seat opposite Amos. Tried not to watch his hands. “I was thinking.” He began, aimlessly. “Naomi wanted to go out tonight, for drinks or maybe food, she didn’t say.” And Alex hadn’t considered it until this very moment, but he realised that he _would_ very much like to go out and have a drink. Possibly several. And perhaps a bottle for later.

“You asking me to come or asking me to stay?” Only Amos would be so blunt.

“Would you even stay if I asked you?” With an effort of will he met Amos’ eyes, needing to know the answer. Amos frowned.

“If you wanted me to.” Relief bloomed in Alex’s chest, as a question he hadn’t really dared consider was answered. Amos hadn’t started thinking of him as anything else. “I don’t think you should go alone, though. Maybe if Holden was with you.” That, Alex could attribute to Amos’ messed up need to protect him. It was a familiar annoyance, and that made it bearable.

“Fine, you can come.” He muttered, managing a rueful grin.

“Good.” Amos clapped him on the shoulder as he rose, hand gone before Alex could complete his tense-relax cycle.

 

The bar that Naomi took them to was a bit quieter than what they usually frequented. It didn’t matter, the booze was still affordable enough and that was what Alex wanted tonight. They got a table in a corner and Amos went to order their drinks.

“I’m glad you changed your mind.” Naomi smiled at him. Alex smiled back.

“Yeah, well I could really use a drink.” A young woman in a white collar passed their table. Her clothes were dirty and her cheek covered by a purple bruise. She gave Alex a disgusted look as she passed.

“It’s always like that. Even with Belters.” Naomi said quietly. “Those who do a little better are hated by those who do a little worse. They don’t see that we’re all in the shit together.”

“Yeah.” He couldn’t shake the shameful feeling though. The sight of Amos approaching bearing three glasses and a bottle was a welcome relief.

“You okay?” He asked as soon as he reached their table.

“We’re fine. Pour the drinks, will you?” Pretending the question was aimed at the both of them made Alex feel a little better. The hard burn of the alcohol made him feel a lot better.

They chatted easily enough, small talk without substance. Alex smiled with them, but kept his focus on refilling his glass. He wanted to get as good and drunk as he could risk, being on a Belter station. Good and drunk enough to relax for real. Naomi was telling a really funny story about some Earther she’d known who’d conned his way into working in engineering, when in reality he didn’t know the first thing about ships. He had played along, doing nothing useful and flying under the radar for weeks, before they caught him welding the door to the airlock shut in an attempt to fix it.

“He had a hard time convincing the captain not to throw him out that same airlock!” Naomi finished with a snort. “Of course it helped that it didn’t open anymore.” Alex tried to stifle his laughter in his drink, emptying the glass and reaching for a refill. “Nah-ah, _kopeng_ , you’ve had enough.” Naomi snatched the bottle from him, filling her own glass.

“You’re the one who’s had enough, ko-peng.” He retorted, botching the pronunciation, making Naomi spill her drink as she laughed. He tried again for the bottle, only to have it snatched away by Amos.

“Since I’m the one who bought it, I’ll finish it.” He said, drinking the last of it straight from the bottle. Alex gave him a glare that he didn’t quite feel. He’d gotten what he wanted out of the evening. It felt good to forget his troubles for a moment.

Drinks finished and the hour late, they made their way back to the _Roci_. Alex took Naomi by the arm, launching into a lengthy and possibly ill-advised description of the sunrise on Mars, which made the dust glow like molten fire. And god, Alex felt homesick in that moment, but the collar meant he was never going home. He pushed it down and listened to Naomi instead. He had to lean on her to keep a straight line, but she leaned on him too, so it was fine. Amos walked by their side, unsupported but steady enough, chiming in with a question or barb every now and then. It felt just like old days.

The pod back to the docks was full with people, and they clustered around a pole. A tall, thin Belter looked down at them with narrowed eyes, but Alex turned his attention back to his companions. When they stepped off, Alex jostled what was unmistakably an Earther, about to step on the pod.

“Hey, watch where you’re going.” The young man retorted sharply, having just dropped a parcel he was carrying. The doors closed as he bent to pick it up.

“Sorry.” Alex smirked, enjoying the small retribution and a bit too drunk to hide it. Naomi chuckled.

“Where’s your sponsor, Duster?” The Earther gave him a hard look.

“Right here.” Amos spoke up from right behind them.

“Yeah, well you’d better keep a closer eye on your MX here.” He flashed a Star Helix badge from a pocket, and Alex grin slipped off his face. “He’s looking a bit drunk and disorderly. That’s on _your_ head.” Naomi’s hand tightened around his arm.

“Looks to me like you can’t keep a hold of your stuff and then go blaming it at the first person you see.” Alex wondered how drunk Amos was. “What is that, a gift for your girlfriend?” He pointed to the parcel, and the officer jerked it back as if Amos might take it.

“None of your business.” He retorted, in far too defensive a tone.

“Yeah, well it’s none of yours who I drink with.” Amos took a step closer to Alex, wrapping his arm around his shoulder, wedging him between him and Naomi. Alex was far too drunk to even begin to tense up, but his stomach made an uncomfortable flip.

“If I catch you again I won’t go easy on you.” The officer huffed.

“Sure thing, boss.” Amos replied flatly, before steering them away. Alex leaned on him. He was far steadier than Naomi, who was giggling on his other side. Alex had lost the urge to laugh.

 

Leaving that god-forsaken rock felt great, despite his hung-over headache. The _Roci_ slid away from the docks, as graceful as a dancer, and back in his seat with open space in front of him Alex could finally breathe again. He stayed there for the first few hours or so, just to get them away from the traffic, and then just to enjoy the feeling of flying.

“Alex.” Holden’s voice broke through his quiet moment. “Can I have a word?”

“Sure thing, hoss.” Alex replied, engaging the auto-pilot and leaving his seat with a sigh.

“Is everything okay? I know you had some problems on Ceres.” Alex was getting real tired of being asked that.

“It’s fine, you know Belters.” Holden’s mouth twitched in a small smile.

“Yeah, be that as it may, I don’t want you to feel you have to stay on the ship when we’re in port. You’re still every bit as much a part of the crew as the rest of us.” He clapped Alex on the shoulder, making him tense uncomfortably before he forced himself to relax. He wondered if he’d ever been this aware of people touching him before. Holden gave him a look, and Alex wondered if he’d noticed.

“I know.” He said. “It’s just easier sometimes, to avoid it.”

“Don’t I know it.” Holden said quietly.

“Yeah.” Alex said, shifting a bit, wondering if it would be weird if he went back upstairs.

“The other reason I wanted to talk to you is I just got a message from Fred Johnson. He needs us to pick something up.”

“I thought we weren’t working with him anymore.”

“It’s a one-time thing.”

“Yeah?” Alex had his doubts. He also had his own problems. “Tell me the heading and I’ll change the course, I’ve no problem with him.” Other than the fact that he was an Earther, which was becoming more of a black mark in Alex’s books every day.

“The thing we’re getting is on Icarus.” Alex drew a deep breath. Icarus Station was practically orbiting Earth like a second moon and would be crawling with Earthers.

“Thanks for letting me know.” Holden gave him an apologetic look.

“I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t important. Can you handle it?” There wasn’t really a choice.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll stay with the _Roci_.”

“Good man.” Alex climbed back upstairs to change their heading.

 

“So, why are we going to Icarus?” Amos asked bluntly over dinner. Alex picked through his meal: noodle soup consisting mostly of mushrooms, courtesy of the farms on Ceres.

“We’re trading favours with Fred Johnson.” Holden answered cryptically. Amos wasn’t dissuaded.

“And what are we getting in return?”

“Trust me, it’s worth it.” Naomi answered. Amos met her eyes for a quiet minute and then resumed eating.

Alex supposed he should pursue the matter, but honestly he was too tired. He’d fly them to Icarus and Tycho and bloody Earth itself if they left him alone with the _Roci_ while they did it. The mushrooms tasted like damp soil.

 

As they travelled further inwards, the UN patrols grew more frequent. About one in three sent someone over for inspection and Alex thought that this was the new justification for the entire navy, now that Mars was no longer a threat.

“You let a Duster pilot your ship, captain?” They were once again playing host to a couple of soldiers. Alex kept his head down.

“Why should I change my pilot just because Earth changes its laws? There’s nothing preventing me from keeping him.”

“Sure, but it creates an awkward intersection of responsibility between you and his sponsor.”

“Why? Alex does his job, and his sponsor gets his pay.” It was true; though Alex got to keep his money, technically it belonged to Amos.

“And if there’s a disciplinary problem?”

“If it pertains to the running of the ship, I deal with it like I would any other crewmember.” Alex had to admit that Holden would have made a terrible sponsor. The soldier frowned.

“And if it doesn’t, how do you deal with it, Mr Burton?”

“With the full arsenal at my disposal.” There was a hint of a smirk in Amos’ voice.

“As well you should. Would you care to demonstrate?” Alex tensed up. “There’s a shock function in the collar, and it’s best we check it’s working.” Alex was sure that one day the malicious satisfaction in the soldier’s voice would be replaced by tired routine.

“Sure thing.” Amos answered, easy as that, reaching for his hand terminal. Alex followed it with his eyes. He remembered getting shocked in the EMSO office, but then he’d been doped up. He wanted to ask Amos to wait but he was probably acting too suspicious as it was. He should be used to this, should act like it was no big deal, just like Amos’ fingers brushing the back of his neck.

“Hold on.” Holden’s voice made Amos’ fingers pause. “Is this really necessary? I need my pilot.”

“He’ll be back on his feet in no time.” The soldier replied coldly and perhaps a bit suspiciously. Damn. “Go ahead, Mr Burton.” Amos pressed his terminal.

Alex’s nerves lit up in flame. He jerked, falling to the floor, thinking only of getting away from whatever was shocking him but his limbs just twitched, out of his control. It _hurt_. There seemed to be no centre to the feeling, it flooded his entire body, impossible to defend against. It was probably over in seconds, but it felt like long minutes before it stopped and left him gasping on the floor.

“Get up.” Amos’ voice was calm as anything. When Alex took a moment too long Amos toed him with his boot. Alex struggled to his feet, feeling distinctly unsteady. He didn’t meet anyone’s eyes.

“Looks to be in working order.” The soldier said, satisfied. “He may be part of your crew, captain, but you can’t interfere in your crewmembers’ sponsorship. If it impedes the running of your ship you can always get a different pilot.”

“Thanks for the advice.” Holden’s voice was tight.

“You okay, Alex?” Naomi turned to him as soon as the airlock was closed.

“I’m fine.” He could still feel the fire licking along his nerves. “They’ve designed it to be harmless.” Bitterness crept into his voice.

“Sorry, brother.” Amos’ quiet voice drew Alex’s attention. There really was something apologetic in his expression. “I didn’t want to do that. You did well, though.”

“Did well?” Holden exclaimed. “How can you ‘do well’ at getting shocked!” That Alex knew exactly what Amos meant made it somehow worse.

“You want me to answer that?” Amos’ asked honestly.

“Please don’t.” Alex groaned. “Let’s just get back on course before the next ship comes."

 

That evening Alex’s door chimed. Somehow he knew it would be Amos even before he opened.

“Can I come in?” Amos asked, the picture of politeness. Alex wanted to say no, not here, not inside the door he locked himself behind at night. But he didn’t want to go to Amos’ cabin either. Perhaps, if Amos had anything weird planned, they could go there. Alex let him in.

“What can I do for you?” He asked, taking an awkward seat in a chair. He was grateful he hadn’t been undressing for bed.

“I want to know how you’re doing.”

“Please stop asking me that.” He was so sick of it.

“I can’t, you’re my responsibility.” Alex glared at him. Amos met his gaze evenly. “You kept it together during the last inspection.”

“Yeah, well there wasn’t really another choice.” Alex didn’t want to feel a small prick of pride at the praise.

“They can activate the collar too, you know.”

“I know.” He’d read the manual.

“Can you handle it if it’s unexpected?” Alex knew where this was headed.

“Try me.” Amos got out his terminal and Alex’s palms began to sweat.

“That’s a good reaction right there. I suspect there are many Martians out there getting nervous whenever their sponsor checks their messages.” He didn’t push the button, just kept the terminal in his hand. “From what we’ve seen though, a whole lot of sponsors prefer the old fashioned way.” Alex nodded. “What would you do if I hit you?” Alex swallowed.

“I’d stay still and wait for you to stop.”

“Would you? Or would you cower, try to protect your head? What if I did it right now?” Amos rose from his seat, shoulders squared, and Alex recoiled, getting up and moving backwards. “Stay still.” Amos’ voice was merciless and Alex froze, telling himself that Amos wouldn’t really strike him, and that if he did, whatever Alex did he mustn’t strike back, since Amos was far too unstable when it came to violence. Amos raised his hand and Alex flinched. The blow didn’t land. Instead Amos’s hand cupped his chin and he relaxed, letting out a breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding.

“Now you know.” Amos’ hand slid down Alex’s neck, slipping over the collar to rest just below it, dipping under the edge of Alex’s shirt. This was still part of the test, and Alex remained still and relaxed. “They’ll get worse before they get better, the inspections.” He murmured, pulling Alex forward to rest his forehead against Amos’ shoulder. This was probably the closest they’d been since _then_ and Alex stomach squirmed. Amos’ fingers gently massaged his neck. “Don’t let them get to you. If they try to scare you, if they shock you or hit you or _touch_ you, you come to me. I’m the one who can protect you. Not Naomi, not Holden. Just me.”

“I don’t think the UN sees it that way.” Alex whispered. Amos was putting out heat like a furnace.

“The UN is a bunch of dicks.” Alex had to chuckle. He wondered what was wrong with him, that he could allow this when they were alone and there was no one to perform for. But he supposed that it was important to build familiarity, and right now he didn’t mind it so much. Not when Amos gently kneaded muscles Alex hadn’t known were so stiff until the tension was released under Amos’ hand.

“Do you trust me, Alex?” Amos’ whisper was almost too quiet to be heard. He could have pretended he didn’t. Could have kept quiet.

“Yeah.”

“Tomorrow we need to talk to Naomi and Holden. Trust me then.” Alex supposed he would.

 

The next morning as they sat down for shared, bleary-eyed breakfast Amos’ hand sneaked under Alex’s collar. At first, Alex almost didn’t react, used to the gesture. Then Amos pulled him a little closer, to lean against his side, right in front of Naomi and Holden and for a frozen second Alex considered pulling away, even as his body followed.

“What are you doing?” Holden’s eyes were fixed on Amos. Alex wanted to sink through the floor, but held still. Amos’ hand very deliberately moved to the side of his neck. Even with the warning, this felt cruel.

“Illustrating a point.” Amos said calmly, taking a sip from his coffee with his free hand. Alex’s mouth felt dry. “During the last inspection, Alex and I played our parts but it almost wasn’t good enough. You have to play yours.” His hand trailed higher, thumb caressing Alex’s burning cheek. Alex focused his gaze on the table and tried not to imagine Holden’s and Naomi’s expressions.

“And what part is _that_?” Holden’s voice was stone. Naomi was suspiciously quiet.

“You can act disapproving all you want, but you can’t act shocked. You can be disgusted or pitying or upset, but not shocked. Not if I shock him with the collar. Not if I hit him. Not if I touch him.” His hand slid down in a long caress, coming to rest at Alex’s side. Alex shivered.

“You’ve made your point, Amos!” There was real anger in Naomi’s voice and Amos’ hand withdrew. Alex pulled away, taking a deep breath and glancing up to take in Naomi’s frown and Holden’s stony face.

“Good, then show it.” Amos’ said, picking up his fork. Alex reached for his coffee, trying not to show how unsettled he was.

“Alex, are you okay?” Holden asked gravely.

“Yeah.” Alex replied.

 

After that, Amos made a point not to confine his small touches to when they were alone. Alex hated it but bore it because Amos had a point. And he knew for himself that it was one thing to plan one’s actions, but one’s reactions had to be practiced and rehearsed. That didn’t keep his stomach from sinking or his face from burning when Amos slid his hand down Alex’s neck, right in front of Naomi.

“If you don’t like it, why don’t you tell him to stop?” She asked him later.

“’Cause if I do, maybe next time I won’t be able to play the part.” He replied. It sounded more hollow coming from his mouth than Amos’.

 

Icarus Station was within the distance of their scopes, and Alex almost felt relieved. There had to be fewer inspections when they were docked at the station. He’d stay with the _Roci_ and have a quiet, relaxing time while Holden and Naomi went off on their secret OPA business. He hailed the station.

“Icarus Station, this is the Rocinante, requesting permission to dock.” After a moment of silence the reply came through the comms.

“Rocinante, this is Icarus Station. Speaker, please state your identity and nationality.” Alex swallowed.

“I’m the pilot. Alex Kamal, Mars.” The silence was longer this time.

“Pilot, have your captain contact us.” Alex glared at the screen. The others heard the conversation clearly from the deck below.

“Icarus Station, this is the captain of the Rocinante: James Holden, Earth. Requesting permission to dock.” Holden’s voice was controlled rage.

“Rocinante, you are cleared to dock. Please review the updated Station Communication Procedures at your earliest convenience. Icarus out.” A stony silence followed as Alex cut the transmission. He focused on executing the most flawless docking this damned station had ever seen.

 

The new communications procedures stated that only ‘legally autonomous’ crewmembers may communicate with UN-run stations on behalf of their ship, because of course they did. Alex couldn’t possibly imagine what the reason could be, other than to push the Martians further into their boots. He tried not to dwell on it.

 

As soon as they were finished docking Holden gathered them in the mess.

“Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Naomi and I will look around, try to find our contact. Once we have, we need to get the package, and it’s likely we’ll need backup. Alex, if you want to stay on the ship I fully understand, but Amos, you’re gonna have to come.” Amos gave Alex a look. Alex shrugged.

“Okay, boss.” Amos replied.

“Good.”

And the matter was settled.

 

Amos stayed on the ship with him, and Alex knew it was out of concern and a misguided wish to protect him but he really wanted some time alone. Holden and Naomi spent all their time searching for their contact, and Alex didn’t get why they were so hard to find.

The second day, around noon, the comms chimed. Alex was on the bridge, assisting Amos in fixing a small leak in a cooling pipe. Alex got up and checked it out of habit. Well, if it was someone from the station he’d just get Amos.

It was just a message:

“Rocinante, this is the Earth-Mars Sponsor Office. At 14:00 today there will be a scheduled inspection. All Registered Martian Expatriates and their sponsors must be present.” Alex’s hand still hovered over the console as it cut out.

“You hear that?” Alex wondered what the difference would be between an EMSO inspection and a navy one. Probably not good.

“Yeah. We’ve got about an hour.” Amos got up from under the floor.

“I suppose they don’t want to give us too much warning.” If they’d gone with Holden and Naomi they would have missed it.

“Come on.” Amos turned, leaving all the tools and the open floor panel in disarray. Alex followed; what else could he do?

When they reached Amos’ cabin Alex stopped. Amos opened the door and went through it before he noticed he wasn’t being followed.

“Amos, I don’t…” ‘ _want to go in there’_ , ‘ _think I_ can _go in there_ ’, Alex wasn’t sure what the end of that sentence would have been. Phantom hands moved over his skin.

“I know.” Amos said, coming back out and putting his thick arm around Alex’s shoulders. “It’s okay, brother.” He led Alex inside. It was okay. Alex was okay. His heart was pounding, but that was fine.

“It won’t be like the other inspections.” Alex wanted to sit on the chair, but Amos led him to the bed, arm still around Alex’s neck, the collar a hard edge between them. Alex felt nauseous.

“Yeah.”

“The shit we’ve been pulling with the navy and the Belters, it won’t fly here. You’ve read their manual, you know that sexual abuse is technically grounds for reassignment.” Alex shuddered.

“Like they care about that.” His voice came out a whisper.

“Yeah. Which is why we need to be more subtle.” His arm was heavy around Alex’s neck. He felt sweat forming where it lay. Strange, when he was so cold.

“How?” He didn’t want to know. He was sure he wouldn’t like it.

“They’ll expect us to pretend like nothing’s going on. We do that. If they ask you point blank say it’s consensual.”

“They’ll think you’re being soft on me.” The _whole point_ of this was to prevent that.

“They won’t. I’ll make sure of it.” Something in Amos’ voice made it feel like a threat. Alex tried to pull away, finally. He needed to look Amos in the eye. For the briefest moment Amos’ arm tightened, before letting him go.

“Amos…” Alex began. The air was cold on his neck.

“Alex.” Amos’ gaze was firm, his voice frustrated. “Do you trust me?”

“Tell me what you’re gonna do!” Alex’s voice was too loud. Amos took a deep breath before speaking.

“I’m going to give you a few marks. A few bruises.” Just a few bruises. And after that? “I won’t hurt you. But you need to play the part.” Alex scooted a little further back on the bed. “We don’t have a lot of time.” Amos said, in a quieter voice. He was right. There was no choice.

“Fine, what’s the story?” Alex grit out.

“We’re here. I’m fucking you. We only see the message five minutes before they come.” Alex nodded, fearing what would come next. “I start by fucking your mouth.” He said in the hypothetical rapist voice, reaching out, and Alex froze. “You’re okay.” Amos said, calming, irritating. He took Alex’s face between his hands, thumbs crushing his flesh against his teeth, forcing his mouth open. It was impossible to stay relaxed and Alex grabbed Amos’ wrists, trying to pull his hands away but it was like trying to pry an airlock open with his bare hands. Amos let him go. Alex fell back on the bed.

“That will leave a mark.” Amos said, unapologetic. Alex rubbed his jaw. He was okay. Amos reached for his shoulder. He stayed still. Relaxed. Amos pulled him closer, stroked his back. Alex breathed. “I don’t come in your mouth.” Alex closed his eyes, wished he didn’t have to listen. “I push you onto the bed, I stretch you and take you from behind, roughly.” He made no move toward Alex’s clothes, just made him turn his back to him, moving closer. His hands slipped down to Alex’s hips, digging in. This time Alex stayed still, leaning back against Amos’ chest. It was less alarming like this. Though the thought that these bruises might be needed made him even colder. “I’m going to bite you, Alex.” Alex tensed. Amos’ hands moved to rub over his arms. They were warm. “Is that okay?” He asked.

“No, it’s not goddamned okay!” He growled. Amos’ hands kept moving, up and down. Alex forced himself to relax. He took a breath. Thought of the consequences of failure. “Just do it.” Amos moved the collar out of the way, his breath ghosted against Alex’s neck. Alex’s hands clenched on his thighs. For a moment, Amos’ warm mouth brought him back to that night, that helpless madness that had overtaken him. Amos’ lips were hot as he sucked bruises into Alex’s skin and Alex tried to breathe and not react. Amos bit down. Alex jerked and Amos’ arms tightened around his chest to hold him still. It hurt. Alex breathed. When Amos pulled back he stayed limp. It didn’t feel like he was bleeding. The wet skin throbbed against the cool air.

“What else?” He whispered. He wanted to be done. Wanted to be left alone to stomp down the memories intruding on his sanity.

“You’re gonna have to stretch yourself.” Alex groaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

“You seriously think they’ll check?” The very thought that they _might_ was horrifying. He didn’t pull away. Amos was warm behind him and he was very cold.

“From what I’ve heard I wouldn’t rule it out.” His arms rested loosely around Alex’s waist. “You can do it yourself. Go to the washroom, prepare yourself and wash your face, and _only_ your face. You’re interrupted before you can do anything else. Do it thoroughly, as if you feel dirty.” Alex knew something of that. He nodded. Amos wasn’t going to fuck him again. Thank god. “Good, then go. You have twenty minutes.” Alex’s legs were unsteady as he rose. He accepted the bottle of lube from Amos with shaking hands.

His own touch brought the memories back in full force. Amos’ fingers, cold at first, then burning. The weight of him, the girth of him as he pushed inside. His voice as he’d told Alex to focus on his breathing. Alex took his advice from the past. Breathed as he leaned against the sink and pushed his index finger as far as it would go. Breathed through the wrongness of the second finger, cold sweat breaking out on his skin. Breathed through the sharp pain when he added the third too fast and continued anyway, fighting to get used to the intrusion.

“Five minutes.” Amos’ quiet voice came from the other side. Alex shivered and withdrew his fingers, pulling his jumpsuit back on. He washed his hands in scalding water and then scrubbed his face until the skin was red. Amos’ thumbprints stood out just above the line of his beard. The mark from his teeth just above the collar of Alex’s jumpsuit. Alex scrubbed at that too. The water got the faintest tinge of pink. He breathed.

Amos waited for him when he got out, crowded him against the bathroom door.

“I’ve just fucked you, rougher than I usually do, but not rough enough you can’t handle it. What do you feel?”

“Scared.” Alex replied, trying to slip into the mind-set of his hypothetical counterpart. It wasn’t a large leap. “Uncertain. Glad it’s over.” Amos nodded.

“You go to wash up, but before you finish I bang on the door and tell you to come out.”

“I come straight away.” Alex said quietly. Amos’ hand settled on his shoulder. Alex skin felt a bit more like his own after the time alone. He relaxed. The ship’s comm chirped.

“You’re doing a good job, brother.” Amos said in an honest voice.

 

The inspectors from the EMSO were nothing like the man with the toothy smile that had registered Alex. They were stony faced and seemed more like soldiers than salesmen.

“Mr Burton?” One of them, tall and slim, asked as soon as they stepped through the airlock. The other, shorter one stared Alex down. He turned his gaze to the floor.

“Yeah. Sorry ‘bout the delay, only got your message five minutes ago.” Amos’ clothes were stained with coolant fluid.

“You were busy?” The shorter one said, still facing Alex.

“Yeah.” Amos’ voice wasn’t lewd or guilty, but something in the way he dragged it out seemed designed to turn one’s mind in that direction.

“You’ve sponsored the same RME since the beginning of the programme, that’s quite a long time.” The tall inspector paused, clearly waiting for Amos to speak. When he didn’t she continued. “Have you never considered transferring your sponsorship?”

“Nah. He’s the pilot, we need him to fly the ship.”

“Your captain is also from Earth, yet you are his sponsor.”

“My captain,” Alex could hear the derisive grin in Amos’ voice. “Is a bleeding heart who would just keep things as they’ve always been. I don’t think that’s the point with the programme.”

“Martian, how does your sponsor treat you?” Alex startled. He’d never been addressed at any of the other inspections.

“I… Good?” He let his voice be as quiet and uncertain as it wanted to be.

“Look at me.” The shorter one spoke, and Alex lifted his chin. Her hand shot out and grabbed him by the jaw. He twitched, but relaxed almost reflexively. She tilted his face towards the light.

“He has bruises on his face.” She tilted his head the other way, pushed the collar of his jumpsuit out of the way of the marks on his neck. “And he’s been bitten.”

“Mr Burton, what were you doing prior to our arrival?” The tall officer sounded bored, her next words like she was reading from a screen. “And bear in mind that any involuntary sexual acts violates the contract between you and the EMSO.” The contract, but not the law. As far as Earth was concerned, Alex was barely a person.

“Ain’t against the contract if we both want it.” Amos replied easily. “And believe me when I say he wants it.” There was a smug tone to his voice. An amused glint in the EMSO officer’s eyes.

“Is that true, Martian?” The shorter officer’s voice bore a note of warning.

“Yes, ma’am.” Alex replied, making sure to sound cowed, letting his eyes slide sideways and down.

“How did it start?” She was still addressing Alex. He took a breath and ransacked his mind for something plausible. Amos broke in.

“We were friends before the law was passed. I offered to be his sponsor so he could stay on the ship.” The grin slipped into his voice again. “This is his way of saying thanks.”

“Please, let him answer for himself.” The taller one said blandly.

“It’s like he says.” Alex added, voice hoarse. “I’m grateful.” He glanced up. Both officers looked amused now. He _was_ grateful: grateful that Holden and Naomi weren’t here.

“Has there been any disciplinary problems?” The tall one said, moving on to what Alex prayed were safer topics.

“Nah, nothing major. I’ve given him a shock or two and then we’ve been clear as crystal.”

“Any escape attempts?”

“No.” Amos sounded bored with the exchange.

“Good. Then we’ll just check his chip and collar.” Alex tensed instinctively as she mentioned the collar, but all they did was bring up a small scanner, presumably reading the chip under his skin and maybe a corresponding one in the collar. The back of his neck prickled.

“Normally we’d do a physical examination too, but the office is quite busy at the moment.” She tapped her hand terminal. “How long are you staying?”

“Cap says just a couple days.”

“Hm, we will have to forgo it this time. He looks to be in good condition.” And Alex had thought Amos’ precautions paranoid.

“Yeah, I take care of him.” Amos answered. The shorter officer stepped closer to Alex and he forced himself into stillness.

“Yeah?” She said, grabbing Alex’s crotch with a rough hand. He jumped, but managed not to pull back and tried not to let his shock show on his face. Under different circumstances he would have found an attractive woman grabbing his junk really hot. Now it made bile rise in his throat, made him feel like a thing. “I see that.” She said, after what had probably been just a second, letting him go and taking a step back.

“Well then.” The other officer said, sounding bored again. “Until next time, Mr Burton.”

 

“That was easier than I thought.” Amos said once they were off the ship.

“Yeah.” Alex leaned back against the wall, taking a deep breath. God knows what the physical examination would have entailed. His mind was all too eager to summon up a number of hellish scenarios, based on the indifferent look in their eyes. “We were lucky.” Amos’ hand on his shoulder was almost comforting. Almost. If he could forget the soreness on his neck and the uncomfortably slick feeling between his legs. He wished he could have been angry at Amos for making him to go through with it when it had ultimately not been needed, but he was just grateful.

“Are you okay?”

“Stop asking me that.” He snapped. Amos sighed.

“Come on, let’s get those bruises treated.”

He let Amos lead him to the medbay. Let him take care of the bruises and the bite mark. Then he went to his cabin to take as long a shower as the _Roci_ would let him.

 

“This is how it will work: we’re meeting our contract at a bar on the other side of the station. Amos, you’ll hang back and keep a lookout. Alex, you keep the _Roci_ prepped for take-off.” Alex nodded, trying to calculate how long they would be gone.

“I don’t think you should stay.” Amos spoke up. Alex glanced to him.

“Why?” He knew why. The same reason Amos had yet to leave him on the ship. The same reason Amos only ever let him out of his sight when they were on the _Roci_.

“The EMSO might come back.”

“I doubt that.” Alex replied.

“If they do. Or someone else.”

“Amos has a point.” Naomi said. They hadn’t kept the EMSO’s visit a secret, but they had not given a detailed account. Alex hated it when Naomi and Holden witnessed his degradation.

“You think there will be less trouble for me on the Earther station?”

“It’s not so bad, really.” Naomi answered. “There are more Martians here, but they seem to be treated better. Perhaps it’s better we stick together.” Her approval seemed to bolster Amos. Alex thought of and discarded a dozen excuses. In the end he didn’t want to seem a coward in their eyes.

“Yeah. I’ll get the _Roci_ ready and leave her on standby.”

 

There were more Martians on Icarus, a lot more. The station itself was clean and well maintained and the people seemed to be a mix of the ordinary station staff and spaceship crews, but with a lot more well-dressed travellers mixed in. There weren’t many Belters, and they seemed mostly to be passing through. What they saw was Earthers, of all kinds and classes, and white-collared Martians.

Alex had to admit that he saw much fewer bruises than he had on the stations farther out, at least on visible skin. They seemed better-cared for as well, better dressed and fed. But not a single one looked up, all focusing their gaze on the floor. Sure, in other places most Martians he saw looked cowed, but the people he saw here looked completely defeated, and worse: like they didn’t even care. He saw a man and a woman sitting on a bench. She wore a collar and little else, resting her head against his shoulder, completely impassive. A young, slim man with a demure expression was following behind an older woman and Alex swore he saw a leash running from his collar to her hand. He moved a little closer to Amos and tucked his chin a little further down.

 

The bar was in the seedier part of the station, which could have still passed for the nicer part of many other places Alex had been to. Amos and Alex went first, taking a seat at the bar with a clear view over the room, waiting for Holden and Naomi to enter. The bartender was Martian, his sponsor likely watching from the corner. Amos leaned back against the bar, taking in the room. Alex didn’t dare to watch quite so openly, instead glancing over his shoulder.

Holden and Naomi entered, his arm slung casually over her shoulder, choosing to sit in a dark corner in clear view from Amos and Alex’s vantage point.

An Earther in business wear sat down next to Alex, who hunched over his drink and tried not to be noticed. Amos shifted closer.

“Come here, Alex.” He said, spinning Alex’s chair around and making him lean against him.

“You’re not from the station, right?” The Earther spoke up. Alex kept his eyes down.

“Why do you ask?” Amos replied with a tinge of suspicion.

“Just making conversation.” He didn’t seem intimidated by Amos’ tone. “I don’t have an MX myself. I’m on the waiting list, but I’m looking at quite some wait. You catch yours yourself?”

“Yep.” Amos’ tone was disinterested. Alex tilted his head a little against Amos and could just make out Holden and Naomi’s table from the corner of his eye.

“I guess that’s the perks of space travel, you see all kinds of places, meet all kinds of people. Lots of opportunities. I travelled a bit myself, when I was younger.” The man continued, seemingly not bothered by Amos’ unwelcoming demeanour. “He seems well behaved, any tips for an aspiring sponsor?”

“Not really.” A person was approaching Holden and Naomi’s table. He seemed to make some comment and Holden rose angrily. Alex tried to focus on them rather than the Earther next to him.

“Do you ever rent him out?” It took a moment for Alex to realise what he meant. Amos turned, facing the Earther and making Alex lose sight of Naomi and Holden.

“No.” His voice was several degrees colder, his arm tightened around Alex’s shoulders. Alex focused on staying relaxed and not reacting.

“I’m just asking.” The Earther said, sounding a little offended. Alex was the one who should be offended but he felt mostly shocked and numb. He wondered how long it would be until he stopped being surprised.

“Yeah? You should choose who you ask more carefully.” Amos’ thumb rubbed Alex’s shoulder.

“Sure.” The Earther said dismissively, taking his glass and leaving. Probably to find someone whose sponsor was less considerate.

“So it’s that kind of bar.” Amos said quietly. Alex glanced back at the table. The man and Holden were still sizing each other up, but it didn’t seem like things were about to get violent.

“They think you’re prostituting me?” He knew the answer, didn’t know why he asked. Perhaps he wanted Amos to say no, make it into something less creepy.

“There’s a whole lot of people who get off on having complete power over someone. Like that guy. Probably like most the people on that waiting list.” His arm was still around Alex, shielding him from the room. “Doubt the EMSO are screening for creeps.”

“Shit.” Alex whispered. He remembered the conditions: youths under the age of fifteen were to be sent back to Mars, everyone else needed a sponsor. There could be fifteen-year-old children about to end up in the hands of people like that guy. “I need a drink.” His glass was on the counter behind him. Pulling free from his sponsor to get it was not acceptable here and now.

“Here.” Amos said, handing him his own glass. Alex took it, considered it for a moment, and then took a deep drink. He wanted to finish it, but they were there on business. Alex wondered what kind of person was so eager to have someone who couldn’t say no that they’d go for a guy like him. He wondered how many others he’d approached. How many sponsors who’d agreed.

“Hey.” Amos murmured, tilting his head a bit more towards Alex. “You’re okay.” Alex turned his face towards his shoulder, watching Naomi get up as the man Holden had been arguing with walked away. She and Holden left the bar. Alex spent another five minutes leaning on Amos, eyes closed, before they too left.

 

Leaving the station felt like a goddamned blessing, though Alex’s elation was soured somewhat by Holden having to hail the station on their behalf again. But never mind. He was behind the controls of his darling, and they were leaving. He felt like she was responding more quickly to his commands, as eager as he was to get away. She was a fellow Martian, after all.

“Okay, set a course for Tycho and let’s get this over with.” Holden said, sounding tired.

“Done.” Alex replied, locking it in.

“Good. Now go get some rest, all of you. I’ll take the first shift.” He was interrupted by the chirping of the comms. Alex was on his way to answer when he remembered.

“You better take it, hoss.” He was so tired of this goddamned station and its goddamned rules.

It turned out it wasn’t the station after all.

“ _Rocinante_ , this is the UNN _Corvus_. Disengage your engines and prepare to be boarded.”

“This is the captain of the _Rocinante_. We’re on a tight schedule, why are you boarding us?” Holden did not have Alex’s smoothness when it came to communications. Alex liked to think there was a reason he usually handled the comms, other than being the pilot.

“ _Rocinante_ , turn off your engines.” The _Corvus_ wasn’t inclined to listen. Alex swivelled his chair, glancing down at Holden in askance. Holden glared at his screen. It was the captain’s choice: fight, flight or capitulate.

“Alex, shut down the drive.” Part of him wished they could have run.

 

For once, it appeared they weren’t after him.

“This is you.” The burly Earther held up a hand terminal with a picture of Naomi, Holden and the man from the bar. “James Holden and Naomi Nagata of the _Rocinante_. Taken a few hours ago. Explain.” Four others stood by, weapons ready.

“It was some asshole with a big mouth. I told him to keep it shut. Eventually he backed down and then we left.” Holden’s face was fixed in his ‘stone-cold badass’ expression, as Alex thought of it in the privacy of his own mind.

“Last chance to tell us the truth.” The man, a sergeant Alex thought, said in a cold tone.

“That is the truth.” Holden replied. The butt of a rifle hit him in the ribs, making him stumble back.

“Separate them.” Alex froze, but didn’t dare to disobey as one of the soldiers aimed his gun at him, gesturing him down the corridor. The others received similar treatment. There was the sound of a brief scuffle and Alex turned around in time to see Amos being tased by a soldier with a bloody nose. He would have watched to see if was all right, but the soldier behind him shoved Alex onwards with the barrel of his gun. He supposed a trinket like him would only watch to enjoy the sight of their sponsor being shocked for once, not to see if he was okay.

 

“Listen, Mickie.” After a long and silent wait in the cargo hold, the sergeant stood in front of Alex. His guard stood behind him, making Alex’s neck prickle. “I know you have no love for your crewmates; you people think of yourselves first and foremost. Tell us what you know of this man.” He showed the picture again, and then a different one, a close-up of the same man.

“I don’t know anything.” Alex said quietly.

“What do you know of this man?” The Earther’s voice grew harder.

“Nothing.” Pain flashed across Alex’s jaw as the Earther struck him with his gun.

“Don’t protect them.” It wasn’t a question and Alex didn’t answer, just touched his teeth with his tongue, checking if they’d been knocked loose. Not yet. “Have you ever seen this man?”

“No.” Alex said, tensing for the blow. The Earther didn’t disappoint, hitting him across the cheekbone. Alex groaned, the whole left side of his face throbbing.

“You’re lying.” He said, amused. He showed another picture, one that Alex had hoped they wouldn’t have: him and Amos sitting at the bar. Alex had to stare. He almost didn’t recognise himself, resting against Amos’ shoulder so completely docile. He looked just like the other Martians there, he realised, bile rising in his throat. The barrel of the gun across his already bruised jaw tore him away from the sight.

“What do you know of him!” The Earther shouted, and Alex shrunk back, despite himself. No, not despite himself, it was good, it was behaving as he was expected.

“Nothing! My sponsor took me there, I didn’t know the captain was there too.” He didn’t have to fake the urgency. This time the blow came from the other side, filling his mouth with blood.

“Then why did you lie, Duster?” The sergeant’s voice was smug.

“I didn’t see him.” Alex let his voice shake a little. “Please.”

“You’re a loyal little pet.” Alex tensed for the next blow. It didn’t come. “What were you doing there?”

“Drinking.” He replied, not meaning it as sarcasm. The Earther gave him a dark look and then pressed a button on his arm.

Electricity shot through Alex, making his whole body seize. Distantly he felt his boots disengaging from the floor, but most of his attention was focused on the pulsing, burning shock of it. He tried to breathe through it, but every pulse made his lungs seize. When it finally let up, after a much longer time than the short bursts he’d experienced, he felt numb and blank. He was floating, gasping, too shocked to try to anchor himself.

“What were your crewmates doing at that bar?” A boot to his stomach made him groan and curl up ineffectively, muscles still twitching slightly. He floated a few decimetres away before the other soldier stilled him with a rough hand.

“I don’t know, they don’t tell me.” He thought he sounded a lot more plausible now. The electricity came again, burning, searing, sparkling along every nerve. It felt like longer before it stopped this time.

“What were they doing there?” Alex’s tongue was slow to obey. He began to realise that without Amos or any of the others here, he was in a seriously precarious position. The boot struck his ribs, a too-loud crack resounding through the room and Alex screamed.

“I don’t know anything.” He ground out.

“You sit at your sponsor’s side and I know you keep your ears open. What have you heard?” Alex shook his head, trying to draw away from the man. The other soldier pushed him down, hard against the floor. “Tell me, and this stops.” Alex’s head throbbed, his rib was radiating pain and his whole body felt odd and not quite in his control.

“I don’t know anything.” He begged. The electricity came again.

 

He wasn’t sure how long it took for it to be over. He didn’t quite remember the end of it, just being dragged blindly down a corridor. His whole body burned and every breath sent pain lancing through his chest, but he was fairly sure he hadn’t told them anything. He was released and floated for a panicked moment before hitting something solid. He didn’t need to open his eyes to recognise Amos’ bulk. He heard the others’ upset voices and was glad they were ok. Felt Amos’ voice vibrate in his chest and felt immensely safer for his presence.

“…the fuck off my ship!” Holden’s shout echoed against the walls. The drive was still off, but Alex didn’t want to draw attention by engaging his magboots. He would move when the Earthers got off his ship.

“We’ll be keeping an eye on you, rest assured.” Alex’s stomach turned at the sound of the sergeant’s voice.

“Go ahead, but do it from your own ship!” The clicks of footsteps. Silence. Alex opened his eyes.

“You okay, Alex?” Amos’ voice was as level as ever, but his expression was concerned.

“They gone?” The words hurt his throat.

“Yeah.” Amos’ frown deepened.

“Then get me to my chair.” Moving hurt _really_ badly, but he could take it.

“Don’t be an idiot, Alex. You should go to the medbay.” Naomi appeared before him, sounding angry. She had a point. Alex’s head was pounding.

“Y’all wanna stay here? I’m not bleeding out, just get me something for the pain and let me get us moving.” He meant to sound firm, but he had trouble catching his breath. He tried to push away, but Amos held him still. He couldn’t uncurl enough to reach the floor. Naomi added her hands to his restraints.

“Alex-”

“He’s right.” Holden’s voice cut through Naomi’s protests. “If they find that guy we’re toast. We need to get out of here, now.” Naomi glared at him but kept quiet. Amos glanced at her, then at Alex.

“I’m okay.” Alex said, though he really didn’t feel it. “Just get me there.” He managed to click his heels, and had to grit his teeth to keep quiet when the movement jostled his ribs.

“Here.” Naomi, his saving angel, jabbed him in the neck and the pain receded enough that it didn’t take all his energy just to keep it at bay. His feet found the floor and he straightened as much as his ribs would allow him. Amos kept a hand on his arm as they hobbled slowly towards the flight deck.

With the first step up the ladder Alex realised he couldn’t climb it that way. He disengaged his boots and let Amos pull him slowly upwards. It wasn’t dignified, but he went with it. He would have probably hurt himself more going on his own. He strapped himself in, painstakingly. Amos didn’t leave, instead strapping in to the navigator’s seat next to him. Alex would have told him off for hovering, but he didn’t want to waste his breath.

“Ready to engage the drive.” His voice was steadier now with the aid of the drugs. He would probably need a second dose to make it down, especially with the drive pushing him to the floor. The first one was already making his head fuzzy.

”Do it.” Came Holden’s voice. Alex’s fingers trembled. He resisted the urge to dial the engines all the way up and burn like hell out of here. His head was aching as it was. It was getting harder to see; his left eye was swelling shut. He engaged the drive.

Pushed suddenly against the chair, his ribs screamed at him from behind the blanket of drugs. His head pounded, his face throbbed, but he grit his teeth. He really did need some medical attention. After he’d locked in the course. His fingers were clumsy on the controls. The lights seemed to distort and dim.

 

He came to strapped to a chair in the medbay. His left eye was swollen shut and his mouth tasted like blood. He didn’t remember getting there. Didn’t remember why he hurt so much.

Amos’ head appeared in his view.

“Hey, you there?”

“Yeah.” Alex replied hazily.

“They really did a number on you, brother.” He remembered the Earthers. The sergeant. The shocks. Amos’ hand was a comforting weight on his shoulder.

“I passed out?” He felt better, he decided. Less broken and aching. But Amos looked concerned.

“You had a seizure.” He said, slowly. “Went all stiff and started cramping.” Alex blinked. He remembered getting behind the controls.

“Is the _Roci_ okay?” Shit, he couldn’t remember what he’d done. He could have caused some real damage. Amos gave him a strange look.

“The ship’s fine. What did they do to you?” Alex’s relieved sigh was punctuated by his injured ribs.

“They shocked me. A lot.” More than the EMSO recommendations, and they were quite lenient on the subject of shocking Martians. He could still feel the ghostly tingles down his limbs.

“Did you have any seizures while we were separated?” Alex thought back.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I blacked out for a bit.” Amos’ expression darkened. He had a big bruise under his jaw, Alex noticed. “How did you get rid of them?” Amos didn’t stop frowning.

“We stuck to the story. Turned out they didn’t really have enough to keep us there.” He turned to the display of their poor-substitute-for-an-actual-doctor, wrapped around Alex’s arm. “I need to take a look at that rib of yours, it’s broken.” Alex did not welcome the memories that came when Amos pushed his t-shirt up to bare his chest. He’d thought that all the physical pain would be a distraction from the phantom hands caressing his skin. At least Amos’ hands stayed professional, spraying his side with something probably anti-inflammatory and then wrapping his ribs way too tight.

“It needs to be tight.” Amos said as Alex winced. “You want some more painkiller?”

“No, I’m fine.” Alex gasped. It might have been the apparent seizure, but his head was already feeling floaty. Amos fastened the bandage, his fingers sending phantom touches down Alex’s spine. “Where are the others?”

“They’ll be here in a minute.” They were probably messing with the flight path. Alex would have to take a look. Amos turned his attention to his face, which was probably sporting some beautiful colours right now. What had been enough for the small bruises Amos had left would not be enough for these, but still helped and by the time Naomi and Holden walked through the door Alex could see out of both eyes.

“How are you, Alex?” Holden asked with concern.

“I’m okay. How’s the _Roci_?”

“She’s fine, and not what you should concern yourself with right now.” Naomi put a hand on his shoulder. “You had a seizure, Alex, that’s really serious. You need a doctor.”

“It’ll have to be Tycho, unless we wanna go back.” Amos said, sounding displeased.

“It was probably just something temporary.” Alex tried. “They shocked me pretty good.” The others didn’t look reassured.

“Regardless.” Holden fixed him with a sympathetic look. “Until you get checked out, I can’t let you fly.”

“That’s ridiculous! None of you can fly her, it has to be me!” It had to be him. The _Roci_ was the last remnant of his freedom.

“It’s a straight route to Tycho, we can manage.”

“No.” Alex sat up straighter, ignoring the sting of pain. “I’m good to fly. I’ll preprogram the flight beforehand, there’ll be no problems.” Holden’s sympathy turned stonier.

“I can’t risk it. We got knocked out of course this time. Next time you could knock us into a fatal acceleration.” Alex racked his brain for a counter argument. Holden’s expression didn’t change. “You can supervise, but one of us will be at the controls. Just until you get cleared by a doctor.” It was hopeless.

“Yes, sir.” Alex replied bitterly. “I don’t suppose you’re gonna share the reason I got my brains scrambled.” Holden’s and Naomi’s faces got a closed-off look. “Thought so.” Alex leaned back.

“We’ll let you get some rest.” Naomi said. Alex nodded. They left.

“These are supposed to be anti-seizure meds. Can’t do any harm.” Amos gave him a small box of pills.

“Don’t suppose you have any alcohol?” He probably shouldn’t drink, but right now he didn’t care.

 

“A lot of people wouldn’t hold up to that kind of pressure.” Amos said, taking another drink from the bottle. They were sitting on Amos’ floor, backs to the edge of his bunk. Alex found that the promise of alcohol had been all the motivation he’d needed to return here. Halfway through the bottle the phantom hands had gone away. “You did really good, brother.”

“Should have blamed it all on Holden and gotten to keep my brains.” Alex muttered darkly.

“You know the doctor will fix it, right?” Amos gave him a sympathetic look that didn’t suit him. Alex yanked the bottle from him and took a long drink. “It sucks, what they’re doing to you.” Amos made an expansive gesture, including all of the UN in the statement.

“How can you be satisfied going along with Holden when they won’t tell us what we’re doing?” Alex was not interested in discussing his situation. He took another drink. It was really bad and really strong.

“Because I trust Naomi.” Of course. “And Holden is one of the good guys.” One of those you follow, Alex thought bitterly. Amos took the bottle away. Alex let him; his head was spinning.

“You didn’t see him on Ganymede, hunting that thing. No wonder Prax wouldn’t stay on.” He wished the plant guy all the luck. He’d be fine; he was a Belter.

“Yeah, that was a shame.” There was something sad in Amos’ tone. Alex remembered they’d gotten along.

“You’ll make sure I get a proper doctor, right?” He asked quietly. “I know I can’t pilot if I’m having seizures and then…” Then he’d be useless. Amos slung a brotherly arm around Alex’s shoulders, leaning on him.

“ _You’re_ our pilot.” Alex needed to hear that right now. “Don’t worry.”

 

“No, not yet! First you have to confirm the vector.” Alex was trying very hard not to lose his patience as he talked Naomi through the course correction. She and Holden had actually done an okay job at fixing his unintentional adjustments to their course, but they were not pilots and the _Roci_ was not the _Cant_. He was trying his best, but he suspected that having one of them dock at the station was too much to hope for.

“Better?” Naomi’s voice held an edge. Alex took a look.

“Yeah, then you lock it in, like this.” He reached over her shoulder for the screen. She swatted his hand away.

“Tell me and I’ll do it! I won’t remember if you do it for me.” He translated it to: Don’t touch the console, or you might crash us into the nearest asteroid. He took a deep breath. She didn’t deserve that.

“That button, near the bottom. Good. Then that one.” She locked the course in. “Good job.” He clapped her on the shoulder in a show of good humour he didn’t feel.

“Thanks.” Her tone was lighter now that he’d yielded his control. “How are you doing, Alex?”

“Just fine.” He hated that question.

 

They were about halfway to Tycho when they received the distress call. Holden gathered them, asked their opinion, but it was clear what their course of action would be. Had been since the very beginning on the _Cant_.

It was a small Belter ship, probably just three or four people on board. It was floating dead, not answering their hails, the SOS on backup power. They kept every instrument at their disposal scanning for pirates, but there was nothing within sight. A stealth ship wouldn’t be seen though.

They didn’t dock; with Naomi piloting there was just too much room for error. She got them within a few hundred metres and then Holden and Amos hopped off, Alex and Naomi watching from the _Roci_. The airlock was sealed, air inside. He watched through the cams as they made their ways through dim corridors. This rust bucket made the _Cant_ look good, whole panels missing to show the wiring beneath.

There were people in the cockpit, freezing at the sight of the boarders. Their drive was shot, the O2 running out and they had neither the supplies nor time to fix it. Alex drew a relieved breath. Not pirates.

They had the air to spare, and the parts too. He and Naomi joined the others at the bridge of the _Lilian_ , bringing the gear they’d need. Alex made sure to rig an alarm in case anything got within the _Roci’_ s scopes. Holden refused taking anything in payment, and Alex suspected he loved the opportunity for altruism. He kept his head down, assisting Amos and Naomi in the repairs as well he could.

“Martian.” A skinny man, half again as tall as Alex blocked his way. “We used to meet a lot of Martian patrols. You ever patrol here, _pomang_?” Amos was under a console, elbow deep in wires, Naomi and Holden down by the core with the _Lilian’_ s engineer.

“Alex, come here.” Amos’ voice was flat and he didn’t look up from his work. Alex stepped around the Belter.

“I remember the last time Martians boarded us.” There was none of the gratitude the captain had showed Holden in her voice now that he wasn’t there. “Came this close to shooting Max in the head.” She stepped in front of Alex. “You deserve more than a few bruises for that. _Did_ you ever patrol?”

“No, I-”

“Alex!” Amos raised his voice. “Shut up and come here.” Alex tried to sidestep the captain, but the skinny guy was there, getting right up in his space. Alex fought the urge to back up. He needed get to Amos.

“I’m just a pilot.” He said meekly, lowering his head. Amos dropped his tools with a clang, sticking his head out from under the console. The Belters let Alex squeeze past and he slipped close to Amos.

“I told you to be quiet.” Amos pulled Alex down to his level and Alex didn’t resist, despite the twinge from his rib. The skinny Belter laughed.

“I’m sorry.” Alex whispered. The Belters were watching. Amos’ eyes were hard. His hand closed around Alex’s throat, constricting his airways, and Alex knew it needed to look convincing, _knew_ that Amos wouldn’t really hurt him, but his hands came up to grasp Amos’ wrists. Amos gave him an admonishing shake, eyes saying ‘ _get with the programme, brother_ ’ and Alex let his hands fall, forcing himself into passivity even as his ears rang and his lungs burned. Amos let him go and he slumped on the _Lilian’_ s dirty deck, gulping in air.

“ _Pashangwala_.” The skinny guy spat.

“You shut the fuck up or I’ll scuttle your piece of shit ship.” Amos growled. The Belters didn’t reply. Alex breathed. He stayed right by Amos’ side until they were back at the _Roci_ and the _Lilian_ was becoming a speck on their radar.

 

Alex’s bruises had faded, Tycho station loomed before them and it was time to have a talk with the Holden.

“Listen, Naomi has been doing fine when there was nothing to crash into, but here you need fine-control.”

“Yeah, and the auto-pilot will have to manage that.” Holden’s arms were crossed over his chest.

“The auto-pilot’s not good enough, not with the crowd near Tycho.” He sent a mental apology to his darling. “You need intuition.”

“Alex, we’ve had this conversation.”

“I haven’t had a seizure since the first and I’ll keep the auto-pilot engaged; just let me oversee it.” Holden sighed.

“Fine, but keep the auto-pilot on. Naomi will co-pilot.”

“Sure thing, hoss.” Alex’s spirits lifted.

Getting back into his chair and getting his hands on the controls felt like coming home.

“Miss me, darling?” He whispered, quietly enough that Naomi couldn’t overhear. He imagined the console glowed a little brighter.

 

The docking went fine, if a bit more stiffly than it would have if he’d controlled it manually. And Tycho was a Belter station, which showed as soon as they stepped off. Alex looked around, seeing Belters giving him disdainful glances, bruised but defiant Martians meeting his eyes with contempt and Earthers who looked more human than the ones on Icarus.

“Me and Alex are gonna go find a clinic. You guys wanna meet us there or back on the ship?” Amos asked.

“We’re coming with you.” Naomi replied. Holden glanced at her before nodding.

“Glad to have you.” Alex was honest, he suspected he might need all the backup he could get.

 

He was right.

“Yeah, you’re gonna have to go to an EMSO clinic for that.” The harried doctor said as soon as they’d finished explaining. Alex sighed.

“No.” Holden replied calmly. “You’re gonna treat him. We came to you ‘cause you come recommended.” Not that you would think it from looking at his tiny clinic. The doctor gave a small laugh.

“No, I will not. Now kindly leave, I’m very busy.” Amos slammed his fist down on his table, possibly cracking it. The doctor froze.

“You’re not hearing us, doc.” He said in a deadly quiet voice. “This is our pilot and we care about his well-being. Treat him.” The doctor gave him an alarmed look.

“Listen.” His voice turned serious. “That’s good, I’m happy to hear it. But I have no experience with this kind of trauma. The doctors over at EMSO do. I can take a look afterwards if you let me know what they thought.” He met Alex’s eyes, for the first time since he’d entered the office. “I sympathise with your situation.” Alex had no reply for that.

 

The EMSO clinic was larger, newer and whiter, but felt much colder. They met a doctor who took a quick look at Alex before dismissing the whole thing as a temporary side effect from the collar-shocks.

“I wouldn’t worry about it. If it happens again, come back.” She finished.

“He’s our pilot, we can’t risk it.” Holden said tightly.

“There are plenty of pilots without collars.” The doctor shrugged. The only other thing they got from her was copies of Alex’s meagre test results and her brief assessment.

 

“Oh, god.” The harried doctor said as they sat foot in his small clinic. “I mean, welcome back.” He eyed Amos warily.

“Tell us what you think.” Holden swiped the documents over to the doctor’s terminal. He went through them for a silent moment. Amos stood next to Alex, but didn’t touch him. Good, since the doctor didn’t seem the type that approved.

“Well, they seem to think there’s no problem, but I assume you don’t trust that?” He took in their faces. “Of course. If you’ll sit down.” He gestured to a bed and Alex took a seat. It was hard to tell, but he thought this doctor was an Earther too. It made his skin prickle. “You’re on antiepileptics at the moment, yes?” He attached a medical scanner to Alex’s arm.

“Yes.” Alex replied quietly, a bit uncertain in his role right here and now.

“With these values I doubt they’re providing any benefit. All you’re getting is the side effects.” He made Alex lie with his head in a tube. “Yeah, I don’t see any signs that this would be anything but temporary. Of course, one can never be certain in medicine.” Alex sat up and the doctor sat back in his chair, his eyes still on Alex. “This is what you’ll do: stop taking the meds and if you get a seizure within the next four days, come back and I’ll treat it.”

“Why not treat it now?” Holden’s voice was a bit less harsh now, but only a bit.

“Because nothing’s showing on the scan, it was too long ago. I need to see it.” The doctor replied. “If he has a seizure, come straight away. Don’t leave the station before then.” His voice turned sharp. “And consider laying off the electrical shocks, Mr Sponsor.” He said with a hard look at Holden.

“I’m his sponsor.” Amos spoke up, and the doctor’s confidence faltered. “And it was UN soldiers who shocked him, not me.” Strangely, the doctor glanced questioningly at Alex. He nodded.

“Well, I’d say stay away from the UNN then, but that might be hard these days.” He sighed. “Good luck to you.”

 

Outside, Naomi and Holden left them, heading to their secret meeting with Fred Johnson and leaving Amos and Alex on their own. Amos clapped him on the shoulder. Since the shocks he had toned down the touching, saying he didn’t think Naomi and Holden needed to see that anymore. In private he hadn’t stopped, though. He’d made Alex strip to the waist to check his ribs, tracing them with a fingertip. Alex had stayed very still and quiet.

“Good news, yeah?” Alex nodded, aware of the crowd around them. Amos was right. It seemed hopeful. “Think that bar’s still in business? I’ll buy you a drink.” Had there not been so many people about, Alex would have pointed out that technically Amos bought him everything now.

“Sure.” He said instead.

The bar was still in business, but its owner was not. It hadn’t changed much, though Alex suspected the owner’s life had. He didn’t want to imagine having the _Roci_ torn from him, not when she so nearly had been. Could still be, if the seizures returned. They sat at the end of bar.

“I’d get us some Ganymede gin, but I doubt we’ll ever afford a bottle again.” Alex sat down close to Amos.

“We’ll just have to make do.” He said, allowing himself a small smile.

They ended up drinking a Martian brandy which was really very nice. Alex imagined the red soil where it had grown, tended by people who were now subjects of the UN, but uncollared. Perhaps one day Mars would rise up again.

“How are you doing, Alex?” Amos asked quietly after their second glasses. There weren’t too many people there this early, and with the bartender busy with something at the other side of the bar they could talk relatively freely.

“I told you to stop asking.” Alex replied, though he felt okay right now. The physical violence was somehow easier to handle than the sexual… things. “You think Tycho’s gonna be a thing from now on?”

“Holden said it was a one-time deal.”

“Of course he did, and maybe he meant it, but that doesn’t mean that’s how it’s gonna end up.” Amos gave him a scrutinising look.

“You seem more suspicious of Holden lately.” Alex paused, considering it. He supposed he was. Holden’s bossy attitude, which he hadn’t used to mind, now chafed.

“I suppose I’m fed up with Earthers telling me what to do.” Three months ago that could have been a teasing joke. Amos gave him a sideways look.

“That include me?” Perhaps it still could be; there was something familiar in Amos’ tone.

“You gonna boss me around, Earther?” He said with a raised eyebrow.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Martian.” He replied with an easy smirk. Alex smiled.

An hour later they’d switched to beer and the room was filling up.

“Suppose we’d better head back soon.” Amos said and Alex nodded. He wasn’t so keen on staying. A quiet evening at the _Roci_ trying not to have a seizure sounded just fine by him. “Just gonna hit the head, you wanna come or stay?”

“You go, I’ll be fine.” The mood was still calm, people relatively sober. Tycho felt safe in comparison to Ceres or Icarus. He took a drink from his beer as Amos left.

“This seat taken?” A deep, female voice came from behind him. He turned; a woman in a deep blue dress indicated the seat Amos had just left. The white pearls around her neck were artfully arranged around a collar.

“Not at all, I’m just leaving.” She was alone, which was really strange. She was obviously a trinket, if very elegantly dressed, and he almost never saw one without their sponsor.

“A shame, I’d like to talk to a countryman.” Her voice was warm and faintly accented.

“There aren’t many of our countrymen who would anymore.” He said, wishing he had said something less maudlin, but she smiled. She must have been well into her middle age but she was beautiful.

“There are many who dislike those like you and me, for leading what they perceive as an easier life.”

“Yeah.” Though she smiled, he had a feeling she wanted something more from him. “It isn’t easier though, is it?” Her eyes sparkled.

“In some ways it is. There’s a safety in being wanted, and even more so if you can become needed.”

“And are you needed?” He asked, with just enough cheek to get away with it. Her smile widened.

“Are you?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “We pay a price for it though. An expensive one, and I think it is the same for most of us.” She fixed him with a deep look. “What would you say it is?” Alex thought for just a moment. Though his experience was no doubt different from most of them, laughingly so, in some ways he thought it was the same.

“Our selves.” Alex thought of the control Amos had over him now. “Our own identity, I mean. Our hopes and desires. It gets tangled up in this image of what we should be.” If it had not been just an act he might have already given up by now.

“Yes, I think the same thing.” She leaned a bit forward. “We live entirely for another. There’s room only for the person they want us to be.” She tilted her head and looked at him. If this had happened three months ago, Alex might have tried to say something charming, asked her to dinner perhaps, but as they were that was impossible.

“It’s not so bad, sometimes.” He said instead. “It’s easier, being that person.” Easier not to resist. Her smile turned a little sad.

“Yes. But I sometimes miss the person I was.” Alex glanced down at his empty glass.

“I think the person I was would have broken by now.” She smiled.

“There you are, dear.” A man, as elegant as she, bent down to kiss her cheek. Any trace of wistfulness disappeared behind an adoring expression. The sponsor glanced at Alex, who turned his gaze down, a chill running down his spine in Amos’ absence. “I’m glad you’ve not been without company.”

“I’ve been without _your_ company.” Her voice was different too. Alex felt at once jealous of the man she turned that expression on and sad for her; sad that the sharp woman he’d been talking to had vanished behind this soft façade. He heard Amos’ footsteps approach and wondered just when he’d become familiar enough with them to pick them out of a crowd.

“You ready to go?” The hand sliding over his neck was just for show, but it didn’t matter, Alex leaned into the touch all the same. He’d meant what he told her, every word. Amos may listen to him and didn’t force him into things, but Alex’s wishes and choices didn’t matter all the same. He stole a glance. Her sponsor’s attention was on the bartender. She met Alex’s gaze, unnoticed. Her smile was faint now, held in reserve for her sponsor. Alex remembered the picture the UNN sergeant had shown him and wondered how his own face looked.

Prompted by Amos’ hand he rose, Amos’ arm going around his shoulder, probably provoked by the other sponsor’s presence. He wished he’d asked her name.

 

“Did anyone bother you?” Amos asked quietly on their way back.

“No, I was just talking to that woman.” Amos’ arm was still around him, making it easy to have a covert conversation.

“Yeah, bet her sponsor is loaded. He gave me a look when I approached, let me tell you. Think he didn’t want me near her.”

“Yeah. Maybe he needs her for himself.” The relief he’d felt after the doctor’s visit was tinged with melancholy now.

“I hope so.” Something in Amos’ tone made Alex uneasy. “He looked a bit suspicious.”

“What else could it be?” They were almost at the _Roci_ now. Alex still lowered his voice. “You don’t think he saw through us?”

“I don’t know.” Amos released him and Alex followed silently until they were safely on-board. There, Amos turned and looked at Alex with a frown.

“You’ve been through a lot, and I don’t know how much you can take.” Alex wondered what had brought this on. Amos sounded almost distressed. “Would you tell me if you couldn’t take anymore? Really tell me? Or would you just let me break you, Alex?”

“I’ve told you so far, haven’t I?” Alex replied.

But he hadn’t, had he? Not really. He’d said no and then acquiesced. He’d hesitated and let himself be persuaded. Amos’ expression was knowing. Alex didn’t have the answer to his question.

“Amos. Tell me what you want to say.”

“I thought we should just play the part of the rapist and the victim.” Alex wondered if he’d ever get used to Amos’ choice of words. “But since Icarus, I’ve had my doubts. That couple right there, they were a good example. We should go for something more like that. It would make it easier on you, in the long run.” Alex didn’t want to think of the long run. Amos fixed him with a look. “But you would have to take a more active role.” Alex heard what he didn’t say.

“And you’re worried it’ll break me.” He sighed.

“Yeah.” His gaze seemed to turn inward. “You can break someone without meaning to.”

“Jesus, Amos.” Exasperation seemed the only response he could manage. “I won’t break. I’ll tell you before I do, okay.” If he noticed before he did. If he hadn’t already. “And besides, how bad can it be? Compared to…” The phantom hands that already trailed over his skin?

“Do it then.” Amos said quietly. Alex stilled. “Show me how much you want to, Alex.” There was a challenge beneath those words, perhaps. Or perhaps it was lament.

“Here?” They were in the corridor, just inside the airlock. They’d only have seconds of warning if Holden and Naomi returned. Amos didn’t reply, just leaned back against the wall, waiting. Alex steeled himself, moving closer, thinking back to the couple at the bar and realising he could never pull that off, nor could Amos. They would have to do it differently.

He reached out, putting his hand on Amos’ chest, lightly, then leaned in, heat pounding. He intended to kiss him, but faltered with his lips a centimetre from Amos’. He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t make himself.

“Here.” Amos said, taking Alex’s hand in his. “We’ll go slow.” His thumb brushed over Alex’s fingers. “Put your head on my shoulder.” Alex did, relieved at the respite. He put his free hand on Amos’ other shoulder, taking a step closer so they were pressed together. This was better. He’d spent a lot of time leaning on Amos lately; it was more familiar territory. He tilted his head so his nose was brushing Amos’ neck. He smelled like sweat and oil and beer. It was easier, somehow, to press his lips to the side of his neck than to his mouth.

“Yeah, that’s better.” Amos’ voice was a deep vibration through his chest. He squeezed Alex’s hand as Alex let his kisses get a bit more open and wet. He heard Amos inhale sharply. Alex stilled. “Sorry.” Amos said. “Your beard tickles.” Alex had heard that before, and though Amos’ voice was carefully even, he felt like this was more familiar territory. He returned to his task with a bit more confidence. He thought it went well, but Amos shook his head and pulled him off.

“What?” Alex asked, raising his eyes to Amos’ with some difficulty.

“It’s not bad, but it’s not right.” Amos’ thumb was again tracing his fingers. “I’m guessing that’s how you kiss women when you’re trying to make them melt, and I’m sure it works.” Alex glared at him. “But that’s not what’s happening here. You’re not in charge here, I am.”

“How the hell is that supposed to work you don’t tell me what you want?” Alex muttered.

“Yeah, that’s the mind-set. Try to figure it out.” Alex thought that would be easier if Amos wasn’t so carefully neutral, but he didn’t say that. He thought back to those few interactions they’d had. It was impossible to know if Amos had done what he liked, or what he thought Alex wanted or could handle. But it was all he had to go on, and he supposed he had to figure it out.

Bolstered by his annoyance he pressed his lips to Amos’. He wanted to do it firmly, angrily, but it ended up soft. It was better like that anyway, more fitting to his role. Amos parted his lips, licked against Alex’s, and Alex followed his lead, letting him in. Even after the weeks that had passed, he remembered the taste of his mouth, tinged now with alcohol. This time Amos didn’t hold back, instead kissing him deeply, tongue dominating Alex’s, his hand coming up to hold him still. Alex focused on being soft and pliant, on trying to follow Amos’ lead, to be what he wanted. It was different, but strangely satisfying. When Amos pulled back this time, Alex almost followed him.

“Good.” He sounded a bit out of breath. “Kiss me like your life depends on it.” ‘Cause it did and Alex hated that. Amos reached out, stroking Alex’s cheek and Alex leaned into it, closing his eyes, imagining the kind of single-minded devotion his sponsor would expect. Amos’ fingers wandered down his neck and further down, tracing the skin under the white collar, then down his back. Alex leaned in to find his lips again, trying to project that pliant, unquestioning adoration. Amos’ hands tightened around him, and he spun them so that he was pressing Alex into the wall. Alex didn’t stop or hesitate as he was suddenly cornered, just arched forward against Amos. Footsteps echoed down the corridor.

Alex pushed him away, just seconds before Naomi rounded the corner with Holden at her heels. They stopped abruptly, and Alex didn’t want to know what they thought. Amos was staring at him, body tense and eyes fixed and Alex wasn’t sure if he was going to get hit.

“Everything okay?” Naomi asked suspiciously.

“Sure, why are you asking?” Alex replied, forcing himself to meet her eyes and praying his flush wasn’t showing.

“We need to talk.” Holden walked past them. “Come with us.” Alex breathed a sigh of relief; Holden would not be that calm if he’d suspected.

 

“This is the deal.” Holden begun, after they’d all sat down in the mess with a cup of coffee each. Alex didn’t need the caffeine to feel jittery. “That package we got held the coordinates to something which we believe holds some crucial information.” Nice and vague, and Alex had known it wasn’t their last job for Fred Johnson.

“And he wants us to retrieve it?” He said.

“He does. He suggested he’d loan us a pilot and we’d swing by and get it. It’s not far away and we’d be back in a few days.” Alex’s heart sank. Like the other Earthers had said: there are other pilots, so why would he stick with the Martian who may or may not have brain-damage induced seizures.

“I said no.” Alex looked up, searching Holdens face. “We stay here as long as the doc said. Fred can send another ship and we will take it from there when they return. You’re our pilot, Alex.” He added with a small smile, and Alex couldn’t help returning it. He’d been wrong to lump Holden together with the other Earthers.

 

Alex usually took his meds in the evening, but this night he went to the medbay and put the box back in its container. From now on his brain was on its own, in whatever shape it was. He sighed, tried to focus on the positives. Neither doctor had thought there was any permanent damage. The odds were in his favour. He would get to fly the _Roci_ again.

He turned around to leave, and was almost not surprised at all to see Amos leaning in the doorway, watching him.

“So you’re off the meds.” Amos said, though it seemed like something just to fill the silence.

“Yeah.” Alex replied. He didn’t move. Amos didn’t speak. The air was heavy between them. Alex wondered what he thought, how Amos looked at the situation they were in. As a duty? Or a favour for a friend? He wondered what Amos saw when he looked at him. It was clear enough that he was going to some lengths to try to help him.

“Hey,” He began, gathering his courage. “Should we continue?” He addressed Amos’ broad chest, not quite able to look him in the eye as he said it. He saw it rise in a deep breath before Amos answered.

“Sure.” His voice was as even as ever. “Come here.” Alex did, getting close enough to touch.

“Could we…” He swallowed. “Can we go to your cabin?” The others were almost certainly not going to come here but he desperately did not want a repeat of earlier. Amos nodded, pushing away from the doorway and leading the way in silence.

Alex’s heart was pounding, but the strange thing was that he wasn’t feeling quite that same squirming nausea he’d felt before. He’d gotten used to Amos in a way.

With the door locked behind them Amos sat down on the bed, leaning back against the wall. Waiting. Alex sat down next to him and slowly leaned in, gauging Amos’ reaction. When Amos just watched his approach he brushed their lips together. Amos placed a hand on his chest, holding him back.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this, Alex?”

“Stop asking me, damn it.” Alex couldn’t really summon any heat behind the words. Amos looked like he was going to continue, but Alex spoke before he could. “Just tell me what to do.” Amos watched him for a quiet moment, made uncomfortable by how they were just centimetres apart and yet barely touching. Finally Amos straightened a little, drawing back and pulling off his shirt. Anyone else might have looked more vulnerable half-naked, but Amos was more like a gun pulled from its holster: all his lethal force on display. Alex reminded himself that there was to be no lethal force tonight.

“Go on.” Amos said, leaning back against the wall in that same, nonchalant way. His eyes were serious though.

“Sure.” Alex replied faintly, but couldn’t quite make himself move, all the anxious squirming in his stomach returning at the sight, together with the phantom hands caressing his skin. He could remember so clearly how it felt to have that chest pressing down on him that it became a little hard to breathe.

Amos took his hand and placed it at the centre of his chest. Alex shivered. He was so warm. No wonder, since there seemed to be barely any fat on him, muscles just beneath the skin. Alex smoothed his hand over the swell of one of his pectorals, so different from a woman’s soft breasts. Amos watched him, patiently. Alex tried to think of what he’d like his partner to do if he was in Amos’ place. He supposed he’d like her to take her top off too, but he was a far cry from what he saw Amos usually going for. But... He sighed, unzipped his jumpsuit and pushed it down to his waist.

“Slowly.” Amos said, as if he was talking about moving cargo. Alex tried to affect a bit more sexiness when he pulled his tee over his head. He felt faintly ridiculous, but it distracted him from the butterflies that were flapping mercilessly in his stomach. When he threw his shirt aside Amos reached out and traced his fingers through Alex’s chest hair. Alex stayed still, waiting to see what he would do. Amos’ thumb rubbed over a nipple, and Alex had never particularly liked having his nipples played with, but when Amos rolled it between his fingers it wasn’t exactly unpleasant. When his hand slid away and down to Alex’s side, pulling him a little closer, Alex reached out again. His fingers found Amos’ nipples, small and soft and coaxed them one by one into hard nubs. Amos was stroking his side slowly, watching. Alex had an idea of what to do next, and somehow it didn’t seem so bad. He leaned forward, then hesitated. He should be sure. Make sure what his sponsor wanted.

“Can I?” His voice cracked a little as he leaned down, pausing with his lips just above Amos’ skin. He thought Amos’ eyes darkened a little as he nodded. Alex kissed his chest, smooth, warm skin. It was not so bad. Amos’ hand shifted higher up his back as Alex drew nearer to the nipple he’d massaged before. He licked it, kissed it, sucked a little and felt Amos suck in a breath. It was hard not to notice when he was practically lying on his chest. He continued and Amos’ hand moved restlessly upwards to Alex’s neck. When Alex added a little teeth Amos’ hand tightened, pulling him away. Alex followed obediently, leaning into the touch. Amos’ cheeks had grown a bit redder and Alex determinedly did not look down. He wanted Amos to be calm and collected, he didn’t want him _excited_. He shivered.

“You okay?” Amos asked, and Alex realised he’d been staring. At least Amos didn’t _sound_ affected.

“Yeah. Stop asking.”

“Well, then.” Amos shifted a little. “I’d ask you to suck my dick, but better wait until you’re cleared for flying.” Alex’s eyes moved involuntarily down to the front of Amos’ pants. Maybe there was a bit of tenting, though it was hard to tell the way Amos’ leg was angled. “I don’t want it bitten off any more than I want to be smashed against the walls.” Alex was a bit too unsettled to be offended.

“Then what?” He wasn’t sure he wanted the answer. Amos was quiet for a moment, then continued, in that hypothetical was-it-still-rape-like-this-voice.

“Undress. Stretch yourself nice and slowly and then come sit on my dick.” Alex leaned a bit more against the hand on his neck. He hated the sound of that. Hated that he felt relieved for the clear instructions. Hated himself, perhaps, because it didn’t sound that bad. It was all things he’d done before. He could do it again, one step at a time.

This time he kept his movements slow as he took off his boots and slid his jumpsuit down his legs. He hesitated only a moment before pulling off his underwear as well. He supposed that to fit the part he should have been hard, but this wasn’t really doing it for him. He suspected that he wouldn’t be allowed to remain so indefinitely and faltered a little.

“Good.” Amos said, handing Alex the slick. Then he returned to watching, moving to give Alex room. Alex kneeled on the bed and slicked up his fingers. “Not like that.” Amos interrupted. “On your back so I can watch.”

“Why the hell-” Alex cut himself off. He didn’t want to know.

“Because watching you opening yourself up for me gets me off.” Amos’ voice was completely flat as he said it. Alex shut his mouth and did as he was told.

It was probably the most embarrassing thing he’d ever done. There wasn’t a chance he could try to pull off sexy while fingering his own asshole, so he settled for just doing it. He glanced at Amos occasionally, but his expression was carefully neutral. Twice Amos told him to slow down when Alex tried to hurry up and get it over with. He didn’t know how Amos could tell.

When Amos finally told him to stop Alex’s skin was crawling and his face was burning. The slick feeling between his legs was getting disgustingly familiar. Amos beckoned him closer. He followed, leaning against his chest. The air was cool but Amos’ skin was hot.

“You did a good job, Alex. Still okay?” Alex nodded against his shoulder. Amos’ hands trailed lower, palming his ass, one finger slipping inside, testing, searching. Alex held still. “Ready for the next part?” The finger struck Alex’s prostate and he clenched involuntarily. Amos didn’t let up, rubbed until Alex had to grit his teeth to keep from reacting. When Amos withdrew his finger, Alex’s cock was half-hard against his thigh. Amos sat up and Alex felt cold for the absence of him.

He watched, this time, as Amos slid out of his pants. He was surprised to see that Amos was hard already. Which part had it been, he wondered. Was it from watching? Anticipation? Or the power? He felt suddenly afraid in a way he hadn’t quite felt before.

“Hey.” Amos lifted his chin, breaking his line of sight. “It’s just sex. I won’t hurt you.” Alex wondered how his mind worked that he could reduce this to ‘just sex’. But he tried to take the words to heart. Amos hadn’t hurt him so far, hadn’t taken advantage even though he’d had ample opportunity. He leaned into Amos’ touch and Amos gave him a quick, thorough kiss before lying down on the bed with his head propped up on his pillow. His cock stood tall and proud. Alex took a fortifying breath and a bit more slick and reached out and took it in his hand.

He glanced up at just the right moment to see Amos’ eyelids flutter. Quickly he lowered his gaze and gave Amos’ erection a liberal coating. He tried not to think of what it felt like, to hold another man’s cock, did not let his mind put a label on it other than ‘different’. Finished, he withdrew his hand. Amos’ cock twitched.

“Ready?” Amos tried to sound unaffected, Alex could tell, but there was a strain under his words that probably was unfair to hold against him. Alex had done this before, he reminded himself, but then he’d been so _embarrassingly_ aroused that he could only think of having Amos inside him. Now he was not. But it was only sex. Small steps.

He crawled up the bed and threw his leg over Amos. He was lying very still. Alex didn’t look up, didn’t want to see his expression. He didn’t particularly want to see his straining erection either, but… He moved before he could lose his nerve, straddling Amos’ hips and grabbing his cock, aligning it. He tried to remember to relax. Met resistance. Pushed through it. It burned, but not enough that he needed to stop. It felt uncomfortable, his body wanting it _out_. He thought he maybe managed to get the head in before he had to stop and breathe.

Amos reached out, hands running up Alex’s thighs in a long slide that would have felt good if Alex wasn’t so damned tense. If he wasn’t hurting. For a moment he thought that Amos would grab his hips and push him down, but instead he took Alex’s cock in one hand, the other one sliding over his flank. Alex glanced at his face. Amos’ eyes were fixed on his own hand, which was slowly massaging life back into Alex’s erection. He looked… _absorbed_ in a way that Alex couldn’t quite remember having seen before. He met Alex’s eyes in a quick glance before looking down again.

It wasn’t so bad. Alex wasn’t doing so badly anymore; he could sink down another centimetre, his body getting used to the penetration. When Amos paused for a moment and then returned his hand coated in lube it went even easier. Before Alex knew it he was sliding up and down on Amos’ cock, aided by small movements of Amos’ hips. He was starting to remember that deep, hungry feeling he’d had the last time they did this and shifted his hips until he managed to hit the sweet spot. It was good like this, just the slippery slide, the skin against his and the silent huffs of breath. Just sex. He glanced down.

Amos’ eyes were on his face, watching with that same absorbed expression. His lips were flushed red and slightly parted. Alex couldn’t look away, couldn’t break contact with that blue gaze, couldn’t stop his eyes from being drawn to his lips and Amos pushed up from the bed, his mouth finding Alex’s and his hands grabbing his hips. Alex parted his lips and Amos slammed up into him, making him gasp at the tinge of pain that wasn’t enough to keep him from wanting more. Amos’ mouth was hot and devouring and Alex could only cling to him, fingers sliding over his back. His cock was sliding slickly against Amos’ stomach, and somehow he was now sitting in his lap. He felt starved, like he couldn’t get enough, even as Amos seemed to reach into his core. It was as if his body had remembered Amos’ and decided to turn against him, embracing its new master. It was only this. For a long, drawn-out instant there was only Amos, all around him.

Alex was the first to recover this time, Amos still catching his breath beside him. Abruptly he couldn’t bear the feeling of his own skin, sweaty and covered in slick and come. He slipped from Amos’ grasp and locked himself in his bathroom.

 

When he twisted in bed, trying to fall asleep he felt awful, like his body had stopped being his own.

When he woke up in the morning he felt better, but still too much like a possession.

They went out. Alex saw a Martian and his sponsor held at gunpoint by EMSO officers. She was crying, trying to cling to him before they were pulled apart and cuffed.

When evening came he returned to Amos’ cabin.

 

“How _are_ you holding up?” Alex heard Naomi’s voice around the corner. Amos answered.

“I’m fine. Not sure how Alex is.” He should announce his presence or turn around and walk away, but he stilled.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed he seems a bit… out of it sometimes.” Alex frowned at that. “And Holden got really upset about that whole touching thing you were doing.”

“You think I’m doing the right thing, Naomi?” There was something too naked about the open way Amos asked that question, like he would follow whatever advice she gave him. Alex shouldn’t hear this, but he couldn’t walk away, not from a question like that.

“What choice do is there?” There was a hint of steel under Naomi’s voice. “Better you fake a relationship than beat him. I can’t be his sponsor and Holden be terrible.”

“You’d be the best choice for a sponsor.” Alex had a hard time trying not to imagine Naomi beaconing him to her bed. He wanted to be able to look her in the eye. He almost missed Amos’ next, quiet words. “I’m scared I’ll break him.”

“Then don’t push him.”

“If I don’t, we’ll get caught.” Naomi sighed.

“Then try your best. You can always talk to me, yeah?” Alex prayed that Amos wouldn’t launch into a description of their evening activities. He didn’t think Naomi knew just how far their act went.

“Yeah.” Amos said nothing more and Alex slunk away.

 

Alex was following Amos back to the _Roci_. They’d gotten some spare parts and other good-to-have-around bits and pieces and Alex was looking forward to work a bit on his sweetheart. They heard a cry, sharp and piercing and Alex stopped and turned.

The ship next to them, a Belter hauler who’d just docked, was being searched by the cops. They were dragging a woman with a young child out through the airlock. She was screaming. The child was crying and clinging to her.

“Please, we’re hurting no one, we’ll get off the station, just let us go!” Her voice was desperation. A man with a tattooed face ran after them, shouting. One of the cops hit him between the eyes with the butt of her rifle, felling him to the ground. The child screamed and ran towards him but was caught by another cop. He was maybe five or six.

“Good money.” Another one laughed and Alex’s stomach sank.

“Yeah, maybe boss will keep her.” The child was shoved back in his mother’s arms, tears running down his cheeks. He was obviously not the son of the man who was out cold on the ground. Anyone below the age of fifteen would be sent back. The boy was probably old enough to understand that. Did he have family on Mars? The father’s heart in Alex broke.

The cops walked right past them on their way. Amos grabbed Alex and pulled him close, crushing him against his side. Alex met the Martian’s eyes as she walked past. She looked at him in terror.

“They’d managed to stay hidden for so long.” Alex whispered, gazing after them. Amos didn’t reply. In the small crowd that had formed were several Martians and they all seemed to have a dirty look for Alex. Suddenly Amos’ proximity was intolerable, bringing to mind all the touches that was visited upon him, and borne. All the touches that made him feel like something was being taken from him. That made his body seem not like his own. That made him _want_ to be soft and docile because Amos could make it so _good_. And the worst part was that, despite the way his skin crawled and his stomach twisted and his mind begged him, he couldn’t do anything but stay pliant in Amos’ grip. Because they were being watched. Because perhaps Alex’s body _wasn’t_ his own; perhaps it was Amos’ now.

“Amos.” He kept his voice as quiet as he could. “Let’s go back.” Amos didn’t react. “Amos?” Alex didn’t dare to raise his voice. “Please let me go.” He felt caged, his breathing was picking up, despite his attempts to control it. He tried to think of what they’d been practicing. Softly, submissively, he placed his hand on Amos’ chest. From the corner of his eye he saw an older collared woman give him a disgusted look. Amos drew a breath as if he’d woken from a trance and turned his eyes to Alex. His grip didn’t let up.

“Can we go back?” Alex whispered. Amos face was blank.

“Sure.” He replied flatly and his grip eased. He left his hand on Alex’s shoulder. Alex’s skin still crawled but he could breathe easier, no longer squeezed against Amos’ hard body.

 

When they reached the _Roci_ Amos went off without a word, leaving their haul on the deck. Alex wasn’t feeling much more talkative, just went to the flight deck, intending to run some simulations but ending up just sitting there. He took out the photo and the ring that were his only keepsakes of his life on Mars. Sometimes he felt like he would just step off the ship and be back. Sometimes he felt like he’d dreamt them up. He might as well have. Their frozen smiles made him feel a little sick.

He put them back in his pocket. Locked himself out of any important systems, since it was still a day left until he would be declared seizure-free, and booted up a basic simulation. For a while he managed to forget the child’s tear-streaked face.

“Alex? You’re still here?” Naomi’s voice cut through his concentration, making him miss the UN gun-ship and suffer a direct hit to the reactor.

“Yeah.” He muttered, a bit sore from his defeat. The pilot’s mistakes could cost the life of everyone on-board. The child’s glossy eyes swam before him.

“Sorry, I just I saw Amos leaving and I thought you were with him.” Alex turned his chair to meet Naomi’s eyes.

“He left?” To his knowledge, Amos hadn’t left the ship without him once since he became his sponsor.

“He didn’t tell you?” There was a strange expression on Naomi’s face, and Alex wondered just how much Amos had told her. “We were supposed to work on that thruster. You got the parts, right?”

“I’ll give you a hand.” Alex feigned an unaffected tone. Perhaps Amos thought Tycho was a bit safer. That was probably it. Alex would take the opportunity to get a bit close and personal with his sweetheart, and he always enjoyed watching Naomi with her.

 

It was late when they finished and Alex was heading back to his cabin. He turned a corner and ran into Amos, making him stumble a step before Amos threw an arm around him.

“Hell, Amos.” Alex said, annoyed. He pushed at Amos, but couldn’t quite put any conviction into it. “Where have you been?” Amos shifted his arm to a more comfortable grip around his waist and Alex let his arms fall.

“Out.” There was no alcohol on his breath, but his eyes had a glazed look to them. He watched Alex fixedly.

“Well, we took care of the thruster while you were gone.” He couldn’t quite manage to keep the annoyance in his voice. “Mind letting me go?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t move. “Thought you might want to come to my cabin.” Alex hadn’t planned on it, but he found himself hesitating, found himself considering. When Amos leaned in, pressing his lips to Alex’s, he kissed him back, reflexively, instinctively, letting Amos deepen the kiss and tighten the arm around him.

They relocated to Amos’ cabin before anyone saw them. Amos begun undressing almost before the door was closed, pulling at Alex’s clothes. He seemed keen in a way that he hadn’t during their previous encounters, but Alex didn’t think of it, only focused on responding. Before he knew it, Amos had him on his knees, fingering him open, his other hand rough around his cock and Alex could only hang on as Amos ground against his prostate, making his cock weep into his hand.

“Is this good?” Amos whispered against his back. “You enjoy this, Alex?” Alex nodded, stifling a sound against the pillow. “Are you ready?” Amos’ mouth was hot against his shoulder and he entered Alex in a single, smooth thrust. Alex moaned. It was so different: the first time, when he’d been hurting and tense, and now, when it felt like his body was welcoming the penetration. He could enjoy it, as long as he didn’t let himself think about it. Amos’ thrusts were speeding up, the hand on Alex’s cock tightening. Alex parted his legs a little more, getting a better angle, so that Amos next thrust hit the good spot, sending a current straight to his cock, enough that it didn’t matter when Amos released it to take a firm hold of his hips.

It did matter a little when Amos straightened and changed the angle, going deeper. It mattered more and more when he sped up, turning each thrust into something hard and sudden and _painful._  His grip was like iron, every breath a grunt of exertion and Alex was suddenly reminded just how strong he was, just at how much of a disadvantage Amos had him. The mist of pleasure evaporated into cold fear and he knew he just had to speak up, knew he just had to tell Amos to slow down, but he couldn’t.

Because he _didn’t_ know.

Because sometimes there was something very dark behind Amos’ eyes. And because if Alex asked him to stop and Amos didn’t, Alex wouldn’t be able to live with it.

So he bore it. He grit his teeth with each rough thrust and counted his breaths. He turned his face into the pillow to suffocate the sounds of pain and waited for it to be over. When Amos gave a few final, stuttering pushes he breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

Amos rolled over on his side, bringing Alex with him and Alex went limply. Tried to think of all the Martians, all the _people_ , to whom this would be everyday, not even worth consideration. Amos was so warm against his back, but Alex felt cold. Amos stirred and he froze.

“Sorry, brother. Didn’t mean to leave you hanging.” And Alex could have laughed at that. That Amos would apologise for _that_ , when any desire Alex had felt had vanished. But it wasn’t easy to laugh when Amos’ hand slid down his front to where Alex’s cock lay flaccid. And it betrayed him, twitching in interest as Amos’ fingers wrapped around it, giving it a firm rub. Amos was kissing his neck, rolling him on his back, and Alex didn’t have the energy to protest. Sickening arousal spread through him and all he could think was ‘ _please don’t_ ’.

“I’ll take good care of you.” Amos said in a husky voice as he kissed his way down Alex’s chest, down his belly, and Alex had never been less excited about the prospect of a blowjob than he was right then. Amos sucked cock like a pro, mouth like vacuum, wringing a shameful moan from Alex’s throat. One hand rolled his balls, the other slipped lower to finger Alex’s sore asshole, and his body yielded to the stimulation, wresting an agonizing orgasm from him. Amos swallowed, because of course he did, it was all just sex to him. Alex lay still and tried not to think. He hurt. But it was over now. Amos lay down beside him and he felt the most irrational wish to be held. He didn’t yield to it.

Amos was quiet. Alex breathed. He was okay. He’d gotten a bit spooked, but he was okay. It wasn’t the first time Amos had fucked him and he was fine. It was all fine.

“I’m gonna go.” He whispered. Didn’t look at Amos. Time enough for that tomorrow. He dressed and left.

In the corridor he met Holden.

Alex closed the door behind him; it looked bad enough without adding naked Amos to the mix. He was very aware of how sweaty and sticky he was.

“Alex.” Holden said in a foreboding tone. Alex’s palms felt damp.

“Jim.”

“What were you doing in Amos’ cabin?” He asked suspiciously. Alex should have an answer, had thought up what to say in just this situation, but his mind was blank. His skin itched and was sure Holden could tell how dirty he was. He met Holden’s gaze as evenly as he could. Holden waited. Alex’s stomach felt like it was full of snakes.

“Just talking. ‘Bout… you know, the sponsoring.” He sounded guilty. Sweat started to form on his back.

“Alex.” Holden’s face was concerned now. “You can talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” He put his hand on Alex’s shoulder and all of Alex’s anxiety froze into blank numbness.

“Nothing’s wrong, hoss.” He felt distant but his voice was steady. “Just talking. It’s a lot of planning going into it. Needs to be convincing.” Holden’s frown remained. Alex tried to inject a bit of conviction into his voice. “Really, I’m fine. Just anxious to get back behind the controls.” Perhaps he managed, because Holden let him go with a final pat on the shoulder and a renewed offer to come talk to him if he needed. All Alex needed was a shower.

 

Alone, finally, behind a locked door, he peeled his clothes off. Went into the bathroom and locked that door too. Looked at himself. His eyes were hollow. There were stark red marks on his hips in the shape of hands that hurt when he prodded them. This time Amos hadn’t held back. Alex felt the strongest urge to cover up and forget about it, but he was still dirty and he needed to get clean. He turned the shower to as near scalding as _Roci_ would let him. Washed away the evidence. Dressed in soft pants and a long-sleeved tee and crawled into his bed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Belter glossary, courtesy of the [internet](http://expanse.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Belter_Creole_individual_articles):  
> kopeng - friend  
> pomang - Martian  
> pashangwala - fucker
> 
> Terms specific for this fic:  
> EMSO - Earth-Mars Sponsor Office  
> RME - Registered Martian Expatriate (official)  
> MX - Martian Expatriate (colloquial)
> 
> [Ruelle - Deep End](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5LUNziIMrA)
> 
> Anyone still reading?


	3. Reactions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long week, the story continues! Thank you everyone who's left kudos, bookmarked and commented! I've gotten some really lovely comments. Also thank you everyone who reads this long and rambling fic.

It was the fourth day since Alex had stopped taking his meds and he’d yet to have a seizure. He’d woken up sore in places he didn’t want to think about. There was a lot he didn’t want to think about.

So he tried not to. As he stood before the mirror he concluded that yesterday had been a matter of unclear communications. That it had been a bit outside his comfort zone. That it absolutely had _not_ been…

That it had been fine and Alex was fine. It was training; it would help him act the part. Today he would be cleared to fly and when Fred’s salvage ship came they’d be out of here.

 

“You okay?” Naomi appeared in the mess’ doorway. Alex looked down into his coffee cup.

“Why’re you asking?” Had Holden told her what he’d seen yesterday? The thought was a cold fist around Alex’s heart.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while.” She took a seat next to him. “You’re in a tough situation and I want to know how you’re holding up.”

“I’m fine.” Alex said, taking a sip of his cooling coffee to distract himself from the lie. It was only a small one, he _would_ be fine. It was almost lunchtime and he hadn’t seen Amos yet. He just needed to see him; Amos would be his normal self, they’d have a talk and Alex would be fine.

“You don’t look fine, Alex.” Naomi’s voice had gotten a careful edge. “You’re not eating, I think you’ve lost weight, and you’re acting kind of…” She trailed off. Alex glanced at her. “Not yourself.” She finished. “And right now you were looking as if you’d been told they’d take away the…” Her voice turned alarmed. “You didn’t have another seizure did you? If you did, we’ll go straight to the doc.” Alex shook his head, not wanting to give her the wrong idea.

“No, I just…” He watched her hands, lying on the table, just a few decimetres from his own. They were scarred mechanic’s hands, but soft. Kind. “Amos and I…” He could never tell her, but the impulse was there. “He scares me sometimes.” That was true. “Yesterday he scared me.” Saying it made him feel it. The fear of being at the mercy of someone else, knowing that he had no say in what happened to him. Yesterday they hadn’t acted their roles, they’d lived them.

“Hey.” Naomi’s voice was soft. “Can I help?” Alex almost wished she could.

“No. I’m gonna talk to him. Thanks.” He wished he could just let it lie.

 

Amos didn’t have lunch in the mess and Alex had to go searching to find him. He found him in behind a wall, tinkering with a conduit. When he saw Alex he put his tools down.

“Hey.” Alex begun, uncertain of what to say now that he had found him. “About yesterday…”

“I’m sorry.” Amos said matter-of-factly, standing up. His voice was even but he didn’t quite meet Alex’s eyes. “I wasn’t in a good way. I shouldn’t have made you come to my cabin.” He added more quietly, almost to himself: “I shouldn’t have done that.” Alex wasn’t sure what to say. His stomach felt like it was filled with lead. He hadn’t thought this through. “I thought I could do this, but I’m blowing it. Holden should be your sponsor instead.”

“No.” The word left Alex’s mouth without conscious thought. Amos looked up at him, questioning. “No, he can’t do it, you were right. It’s gotta be you.” Amos lowered his voice and said, slowly and deliberately:

“Alex, what I did yesterday was r-”

“Don’t!” Alex took a step forward, holding his hands up. “I decided to come to your cabin. I could have left anytime I wanted. I could have told you to stop and you would have.” He didn’t phrase it as a question. Didn’t want the answer. Amos’ face was expressionless. Alex didn’t look beneath.

“What do you want, Alex?” He asked quietly.

“I want you to be my sponsor.” He couldn’t articulate it any other way.

“I hurt you.” Alex shook his head; he wished Amos would stop saying that. It was nothing. It had been nothing and it was done. In the past.

“It was a mistake. Right?”

“Yeah.” Amos’ voice had that same quietness.

“Then let’s not change anything.” Alex said imploringly. Despite yesterday, he still believed Amos was the best sponsor for him. Amos watched him for a moment in silence. Alex tried not to fidget under his gaze.

“I don’t understand. Why aren’t you angry at me?” It was an honest question and it hit Alex dead on.

“I’m not.” His voice wasn’t quite steady. He wasn’t angry. Hadn’t been angry at all, just hurt. He still hurt.

“Why?” There was a careful look in Amos’ eyes, as if he was scared Alex might... what? Break? “You have to tell me, Alex.”

“I…” Was he supposed to be angry? For a brief moment he wished he could take Naomi or Holden up on their offers to talk, but that wouldn’t end well. There was only Amos. “I… don’t know.” There was faint static in his ears. Perhaps he needed Amos too much. “Can’t we just move on?” He heard the distress in his own voice. Amos frowned, but nodded.

“I won’t do it again.” He sounded sad.

“I know you won’t.” Alex aimed for a friendly clap on the shoulder, but his hand seemed to have forgotten how to do that, because it grabbed a fistful of Amos’ jumpsuit and held on. Amos watched him in silence. Alex took a deep, shivering breath. Tried to release Amos, but ended up closing the distance and folding himself against his chest. Somehow he felt safer. Somehow the jittery, panicky feeling of dread that he had been only half-aware of seemed to ease. He inhaled. Amos smelled like oil, metal and sweat.

“It’ll get better.” Amos’ voice was almost too low to hear, his arms hesitant as they encircled Alex. His grip was too loose and Alex wished he’d hold him tighter. He fisted his hands into the fabric of Amos’ clothes and Amos seemed to get the message; his arms tightened, one hand sliding up Alex’s back and in under his white collar. Alex breathed.

 

Holden insisted they’d go see the doc before leaving. Alex could have ascribed it to wanting to make sure he was good to fly, but he suspected it had more to do with Holden worrying over him. He didn’t really feel up to scrutiny, but more than anything he wanted to fly again.

The doc was as harried as before, and not quite happy to see them, but gave Alex a cursory examination before clearing him to fly. Alex couldn’t help but smile. Despite the way the doctor’s clinical touch had made his skin crawl. Despite the fact that he’d been dreading, just a little bit, Amos’ touch as they went out, and despite the relief he’d felt when Amos refrained.

 

One thing remained: Fred Johnson standing on the flight deck of the _Roci_ like he owned her. It itched under Alex’s skin, souring his mood.

“This is what we found.” He said, bringing up an image on the table. Alex inhaled sharply. It was a MCRN frigate, a twin of the _Roci_ and so badly damaged it barely held together. “Not remarkable, but what we found on-board was. It sheds an entirely new light on certain matters which I know you have an interest in.” He gave Alex a significant look and Alex lowered his gaze. To Fred, his and Amos’ sponsorship was nothing but legitimate. “I’ve been in communication with Earth, but this is too sensitive to be transmitted. You will deliver it.”

“You gonna tell us what it is?” Amos asked. Alex glanced at him, thought he saw his eyes flicker his way.

“No.” Fred replied.

“Amos…” Holden sounded tired.

“Just think we have a right to know, is all.”

“How’s sponsorship treating you, Burton? I’m surprised your poor pilot is still standing.” His voice was full of scorn. Alex saw Amos fist his hands, take a step closer. Fred lifted his hand terminal. “Ah-ah. I’ve got the universal collar controls right here, assuming you care about that?” Sweat broke out on Alex’s back and Amos froze.

“Don’t you dare.” Holden’s voice was like stone. Fred’s was harder.

“We have an agreement and unless you want to break it you’ll do as you’re told. Now, I’m sick and tired of outfitting this damned ship and getting very little in return. Are there any other problems?”

“No. Sir.” Holden grit out.

“Good, then get ready people; you’re going to Earth.” He announced before turning and sweeping down the stairs.

“Damn, I wanted to punch him.” Amos muttered. Alex was glad he hadn’t. There were just a few minutes until Alex was going to fly them away. He didn’t want to be shocked into another seizure before that.

The back of Amos’ hand brushed against Alex’s as he walked past, and Alex startled. He pushed it down; he didn’t want to ponder the fact that he’d been okay with Amos’ touch just a few hours ago.

 

Flying again was like a deep breath of fully oxygenated air after running on half for days. The _Roci_ left the station in an elegant arc that felt like a dance and Alex’s heart danced with her, light as a feather.

“I know you missed me, darling.” He whispered to her as he plotted the course. To Earth. They were going to need to have a long discussion of what to do when they got there.

“Alex, you done yet?” Holden called, sure enough.

“Just a minute, boss.” Alex set the drive to a comfortable burn and gave the _Roci_ an affectionate pat before leaving. They’d spend some quality time together later.

“So, we’re going to Earth. There’s gonna be issues, I know, but we’ll have to manage.” Alex joined them around the tactical table.

“I’m more interested in what’s on that chip.” Alex met Holden’s gaze evenly. It had to do with Mars, it had to.

“It’s encrypted.” Naomi replied.

“You could break that encryption.” Amos spoke from right behind Alex and he jumped. He tried to cover it by shifting his feet, turning so Amos was in his sight. “If you wanted to.”

“I could.” Naomi raised her chin. Alex focused on trying to calm his heartbeat down.

“But you won’t risk whatever he’s holding over you.” Amos sounded as if that was reasonable.

“Precisely.” Holden replied. “Do any of you have a problem with that?” Amos shrugged, still looking at Naomi.

“I still don’t like it.” Alex muttered. But what could he do but yield? Whatever was going on with them, they’d made it clear they weren’t sharing. And when it came right down to it he trusted them.

“Good. Then, we’re to travel straight for Earth, Fred’s contact have sorted out all the necessary permits for us to enter orbit. We’ll get more instructions when we get closer, but I would imagine they’ll either meet us somewhere in orbit, or me and Amos will go down and meet them.” Alex had to admit he felt a small thrill at the thought of seeing Earth, if even from orbit. A whole planet covered with water and air.

“How long has it been since you left?” Naomi’s voice banished the image from his mind. She was looking at Holden with something soft in her eyes.

“Feels like another lifetime.” Holden replied with a small smile.

“Perhaps you can visit your family?” Alex tried not to feel bitter at the thought.

“Maybe. I would like to introduce you.” Naomi laughed.

“I think it will be a bit too hard for Fred’s contact to get us non-Earthers visas to the surface. And I doubt I’d like the grav. What about you, Amos? You look forward to seeing Earth again?” Amos had been watching the image of the destroyed frigate, now he looked up at her. Alex was dreading his answer, just a little bit, in case it would be something horribly sad or disturbing or _Amos_.

“Nah. The _Roci’_ s better.”

 

There would be more patrols once they drew nearer to Earth, but for now it was calm sailing. Alex stayed at the helm as long as he could bear it, then went to find Amos. He needed to get over the way his muscles would seize up and his heart beat a _run, run, run_ rhythm when he saw him. Needed to get back to the docile trinket. He needed to see him.

“Do you have a minute?” Amos didn’t put down what he was working on.

“Naomi needs me to fix this.” He said. Whatever it was Alex didn’t recognize it in a quick glance.

“She around?”

“Probably.” Alex considered leaving, but he didn’t really want to be alone right now. He didn’t like the path his thoughts took. He sat across the table from where Amos was working. Amos gave him an impassive look before returning to his work. Alex fiddled with his hand terminal for something to do, not really paying it any attention. He wished Amos would look up.

“Nervous about Earth?” Amos asked, grabbing a rag and cleaning a small component.

“Nervous in general.” Alex closed his mouth with a click. He hadn’t meant to say that.

“That’s understandable.” Amos’ voice turned quieter. “That’s what you want to talk about?”

“Not here.” Not when Naomi might come through the door at any minute. Amos disregarded him.

“You don’t have to worry. Just act normal for the Earthers and everything will be fine.”

“Sure.” Alex wished he could believe that.

“Alex! Not every day I see you down here.” Naomi came through the door, wielding a spanner. “You finished, Amos?”

“Almost.” Amos tightened a small screw. Alex watched, feeling less interested in _Roci_ ’s small parts than he usually did.

“Good, then let’s get it installed. You wanna come, Alex?”

“Nah, you have fun.” He didn’t want Naomi to notice how jumpy Amos made him. It would get better. He could talk to Amos later.

 

It didn’t get better. If anything it got worse. Two days later and Alex still found himself keeping his back to a wall, or angling himself to keep Amos in view and prevent him from coming up from behind. He had spilt a cup of coffee in the morning when Amos had reached past him for a spoon. He’d felt jittery and uncomfortable as Holden had leaned over his shoulder to check something on a screen.

Amos must have noticed; he didn’t say anything, but he seemed to make an effort not to catch Alex unaware. It was only a matter of time before Naomi and Holden would notice too. He needed to talk to Amos, but never seemed to catch him at a good time. Or even catch sight of him. Considering all the repair work that was suddenly done, either Naomi and Amos had been hiding the _Roci_ ’s condition and were now putting Fred’s supplies to good use, or Amos was avoiding him.

“Amos!” He caught him after lunch, just as he was slipping away from the mess. “Hey, can we talk?” Amos turned, looking casual.

“If you want.” That was suspiciously easy, but Alex pressed on.

“Somewhere a bit private?” He thought he saw something flicker in Amos’ eyes.

“Where’d you have in mind?” And Alex had thought long and hard about it and come to the conclusion that he wouldn’t be able to both have this conversation and be in Amos’ cabin at the same time.

“My room.” He said.

It wasn’t much better. With the door closed Alex was feeling claustrophobic, but he powered through. Amos took a seat in a chair, watching him expectantly.

“There was enough trouble at Icarus.” Alex begun, approaching the subject from an angle. He remained standing, couldn’t quite relax enough to sit. “How much more do you think there will be when we enter Earth’s orbit?” And damn it, Amos used to be the one to bring these things up, meaning all Alex had to do was to go along. He didn’t like leading the conversation.

“You probably know as much as I.”

“You’ve been there.”

“Not for years.” Amos’ eyes were like lasers, and Alex wanted to pace but he couldn’t make himself turn his back on him. He tried to will his pulse to slow down.

“Well, we can agree there will be more. And that’s a problem.”

“We’ll just follow the programme.” Amos said quietly. “Just like with the other inspections.” Alex drew a deep, unsteady breath.

“We can’t.”

“You want Holden to be your sponsor.” His voice was flat, but Alex thought he heard a note of rejection in it.

“No, damn it. I mean…” He sighed. “I mean I’m not doing really well right now.”

“You will. And even if you don’t, they won’t care if you’re scared of me.”            

“They might not, but Holden and Naomi will!” Alex hadn’t meant to raise his voice. Amos watched and waited. “I need…” And he couldn’t believe he was saying this. “I need you to help me get over it.”

“How?” Amos asked with that damned sincerity that sometimes was Alex’s only salvation.

“Like…” He couldn’t say it. His tongue was heavy, his skin felt clammy. “Like we’ve been doing. I just… I just need to get used to it again.”

“Not sure that’s a good idea.” Amos said slowly, looking at him warily.

“What would Naomi say if she found out?” It was a low blow; Amos’ mouth twitched unhappily. “They _will_ notice.” Amos made a frustrated sound and rose. Alex fought not to recoil, but Amos turned his back on him, leaning against the opposite wall.

“Look at you, Alex! I can see you shaking from here.” Alex crossed his arms to try to keep his hands from trembling as Amos turned his gaze on him. “I know I’m messed up, but even I don’t want to do this to you.”

“You have to.” Alex said quietly. “I trust you.” The words felt true when he said them. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. Crossed the distance to where Amos stood. The hand which had so eagerly grabbed Amos the other day now trembled as he reached out, brushing fingertips over the fabric covering Amos’ chest. Amos’ eyes were a sad blue. Alex slid his hand upward, around Amos’ neck, softly, carefully. His mind screamed static at him. He leaned in and Amos turned his head to the side, avoiding his mouth.

“Fine.” He sounded unhappy. “But we take it slow. Don’t push yourself.” Alex nodded, relieved, repulsed, reassured by Amos taking charge again. Amos’ hands began to stroke his upper arms in a soothing motion up and down. Alex tried to relax, could feel himself shaking, his body remaining tense. Amos’ hand slid beneath the collar, shielding Alex’s skin from the hard metal in a gesture so familiar that Alex softened out of instinct. He was still shaking. His heart was still pounding. But his mind was growing quiet. He would be okay.

 

Amos stood by his words. He was still making an effort to announce his presence to Alex, but now, if they were alone, he would touch Alex casually on the shoulder, arm or neck, telegraphing his movements clearly. It was working. Alex was getting used to the touches, could suppress the alarm he felt until it almost wasn’t there. In the evenings he knocked on Amos’ door and the first time he’d gone back there he’d felt sick, but the next it was better. Alex was getting better.

 

The first UNN ship they came across sent a patrol. Possibly they were just that bored, possibly they were more concerned about the OPA now, and Tycho was a known OPA hotspot. A broad Earther stood on the _Roci’_ s deck, another one inspecting their cargo with Holden and Naomi. Alex was grateful they weren’t there; he wasn’t going to do very well with this.

“So explain what he does for you, exactly.” The soldier drawled. He took a step closer to Alex, most likely trying to stare him down, but Alex’s eyes were fastened on the floor.

“He pilots the ship. Among other things.” Amos’ voice left no doubt as to what the ‘other things’ were and Alex shivered.

“Really?” The soldier sounded amused. “He doesn’t look the type you’d get for that.” Alex’s cheeks burned.

“I wouldn’t trade him. You’d be surprised.” Was it weird that Alex felt a little warmed by Amos’ defence?

“Yeah? Is that an offer?” Alex stilled. His mind began to freeze over with static and his stomach turned. The only thought was _no, no, no_. The soldier reached for him, maybe to get a better look at him, maybe to shove him to his knees. Alex shied away from the hand, though he was _not supposed to_ , and backed up until he bumped into Amos. Amos’ arm around his shoulders was both familiar safety and sickening threat, but it was enough that he could force himself back into passivity. Amos chuckled.

“He’s a bit shy.” It was refusal, but with enough of a mocking tone that the soldier laughed. His friend came around the corner, followed by Holden and Naomi.

“Everything’s in order.” Alex tried to get his breathing under control, didn’t want Holden and Naomi to suspect. Amos let him go as soon as the doors closed.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given him that opening.” Amos pitched his voice low enough not to carry.

“Stop apologising.” Alex muttered back. He couldn’t take it.

 

It was evening and Alex was in Amos’ cabin, lying clothed on his bed with Amos next to him, running his fingers over Alex’s neck and chest. It was what they’d done every evening for a few days now and Amos patience seemed endless. Alex felt calm, almost entranced by the soft, stroking motion. His eyes were closed, his breathing even. It was becoming familiar, unthreatening. His shoulder was brushing Amos’ chest. Almost without thinking he turned his head and pressed his lips to Amos’. The motion stopped. Amos’s lips didn’t move and Alex drew back, opening his eyes.

“There’s no time, you’re moving too slow.” He whispered, his pulse speeding up a fraction as he carefully avoided thinking about the implications. Amos’ fingers were right over the pulse-point on his neck, probably noticing, but he leaned in. Alex was reminded of the first time they’d done this, the careful, almost sweet way Amos kissed, just lips, soft and warm. Non-threatening by painstaking design. Carefully not putting any weight on Alex. His hand resting only lightly on Alex’s neck, to let him pull away if he wanted. He didn’t.

This was okay. His heart was pounding and he felt a faint trembling start up in his chest but he didn’t think of it. He thought they would probably look awfully romantic to an outside observer, and pushed that thought away as well. Focused on meeting Amos. Reached out to smooth his hand over his back, feeling the heat of him through his thin shirt. Pulled him a little closer, just enough that he could feel him pressing down. Felt Amos’ tongue lick tentatively into his mouth. Focused on his breathing. On the warmth, and not the cold sweat that would break out on his skin at any moment. Amos withdrew.

“You okay?” He asked, face still centimetres from Alex’s.

“Yeah.” Alex wanted to push him away and pull him closer. Amos leaned back a little and resumed petting Alex’s neck. And Alex was fine.

 

He supposed it had only been a matter of time. They’d been talking in the corridor outside the mess, about food and the possibility of maybe getting hold of some real cheese from Earth. Alex had been leaning against the wall, and Amos had slowly edged closer, testing Alex’s limits even as they talked, until he’d been leaning with one arm on each side of Alex, caging him in. Alex had been fine, not even trembling, and Amos had put his hand on Alex’s throat in what was now a comfortable gesture, making some comment about his cooking. Alex could understand how it could look bad. What he couldn’t understand is why neither of them heard the footsteps approaching.

“Amos!” Naomi’s voice made them both jump. What was worse, Holden stood beside her, both wearing looks of surprise that became darker by the minute. Amos let his hands drop.

“Look-” He began.

“No.” Holden said. “I’m sick of your explanations. ‘Cause from where I’m standing this is looking less and less like a ruse for the UN, and more and more like you taking advantage.”

“Jesus Christ, Holden.” Alex exclaimed. “We’re just acting, give me some credit.” He didn’t want to be seen as just another helpless MX by his crewmates.

“You don’t have to ‘act’ on the ship!” Holden’s voice held anger. “Hell, I’m forbidding it.” Alex felt a thread of panic creep up. They needed this.

“That’s pretty fascist right there. It’s our free time, isn’t it?” Amos’ tone seemed designed to further infuriate Holden.

“Holden. I’m not being forced into anything.” Alex said. It was mostly the truth.

“Then what are you doing, Alex?” Naomi asked, voice calmer but the same dark look on her face. Alex sighed.

“I’ve told you. It’s… practice.” He couldn’t explain it better; it never sounded as good when he said it. Luckily Amos was there.

“It’s not about what you do; it’s about how you react.” He took a few steps closer to Naomi, who held her ground, looking up at him. “See, even if you don’t mind me touching you.” He reached out, slowly, telegraphing his movements as he put his arm on her shoulder. Holden’s face darkened further. Naomi glanced at it, but allowed it. “Your stance changes, you get a little tenser, a little more guarded.” Though that might have been in part due to their argument. “If I try to pull you closer…” He did just that. “You tense up. Even if you would tell yourself not to, your first instinct is to resist being moved. Alex on the other hand…” He gestured Alex closer and Alex went. Placed his other hand on Alex’s shoulder and though Alex wasn’t sure this would help their case his muscles relaxed, letting Amos pull him to his side. “You can’t just tell yourself to act this way, you have to learn it.”

“You’ve seen Martian interrogation techniques. Earth has all that stuff now.” Alex added, still loosely leaning on Amos. “They would see right through us if they cared to try. If they catch us, they’ll lock you up.” And find a different sponsor for him. Naomi shook off Amos’ grip.

“It doesn’t look like an act to me.” Holden said, still fuming.

“Good. That’s the point.” Amos deadpanned.

“Not on my ship. I want to know what the hell else you’re doing and then I want you to stop.” Alex’s stomach dropped.

“Let it go, Holden.” Naomi watched Amos intently. Holden turned to her, betrayed.

“You’re okay with this?”

“No. But sometimes you can’t be okay.” It was one of those moments where her Belter steel was clearly visible. Alex loved her for it. “Alex, you and I will have a chat.” He nodded. He’d rather have an uncomfortable conversation with her alone than with Holden too.

 

“You’ll need to talk to me if this is gonna work.” They sat by a worktable on the lower deck, cleared of tools and components that could fly around. Naomi was watching Alex closely.

“How much will you pass on to Holden?” He needed to know; Holden was dangerously idealistic at times.

“Nothing.” He hadn’t expected that. “I’ll tell him if I think there’s a problem or not but you’re talking to me now, only me.”

“Fine.”

“This ‘acting’, how far do you take it?” And Alex hadn’t expected that question right off the bat. Perhaps she’d been counting on that, to take in his reaction. He weighed the value of lying, wished he’d had time to talk to Amos first.

“Pretty far.” He said, quietly. A small expression went across her face, gone before he could name it.

“And whose idea was it?” Alex didn’t like the direction this was heading.

“His, but he’s right, you see that too.” _‘…right?’_ There was a small voice in the back of his mind wondering if he was wrong, if he’d lost sight of what was normal and reasonable.

“Unfortunately.” Naomi sighed. “But doesn’t give him the right to do whatever he wants.”

“I don’t think he wants it either.” Alex muttered. “Think he sees it as a duty.” Naomi grimaced.

“Yeah.” She changed course. “The other day you said he scared you.” Alex’s insides froze. “What did he do?”

“Just…” This, he could not tell her. She’d never forgive Amos. Never look at Alex the same. “Just took it a bit over my comfort level. I told him. He backed off. We talked about it and it’s fine.” More or less what had happened. A version of the truth. He wasn’t sure if Naomi was convinced. She had a troubled look on her face and he wanted to wipe it away. “I’m fine, really.”

“Alex, will you tell me if you’re not?” She took his hand, and whether it was that she was smaller, a Belter, a woman, or just _her_ , her touch didn’t make Alex’s heart speed up in anxiety. “If I accept that you are okay right now, will you promise to talk to me when you’re not?”

“I will.” Alex hoped to god he wouldn’t have to break that promise.

 

They found Holden and Amos staring at each other in silence across the mess. Holden didn’t seem convinced that he should let it go when Naomi said it. She argued with him, called them a family and Alex felt both warmed and shamed by her words. Didn’t feel like he lived up to that. Holden succumbed. Even gave Amos a clap on the shoulder, though it was accompanied by a warning look. Alex wondered what they’d been talking about when he and Naomi had been gone.

 

That evening, after making very sure that Holden and Naomi weren’t around, Alex knocked on Amos’ door. The answer came immediately and he slunk inside. Amos had clearly just come from the shower, dressed in nothing but a towel low on his hips, his skin beaded with water. Alex faltered a little at the sight.

“Didn’t think you wanted to wait in the corridor.” Amos said in lieu of greeting. He grabbed a pair of boxers and Alex had to avert his gaze as he dropped the towel to put them on. His heart fluttered anxiously. Amos made no move to get further dressed. Still pushing Alex’s limits. The fabric clung wetly to his skin.

“You want to know what we talked about?” Alex fixed his gaze firmly on Amos’ face.

“It’s between the two of you.”

“I had to say something. She could tell.” Amos’ face was impassive. “I didn’t tell her about... the misunderstanding.”

“I know.” There was something a little softer in Amos’ voice. “She wouldn’t have defended me if you had.” Alex wanted to ask if he and Holden had talked, but he couldn’t muster the energy. It was exhausting, balancing on the razor’s edge between the EMSO, UN, OPA, Holden and Naomi, Amos, and his own goddamned emotions. He leaned back against the door.

“Can we just…” He didn’t need to finish. Amos understood. He came closer, eyes fixed on Alex’s, caging him in like before they were interrupted. His skin radiated heat and dampness and Alex thought of what he’d once said, about there being power in remaining dressed while the other was naked. He didn’t think that applied when Amos was the naked one, because Alex didn’t feel powerful. He only felt relief as Amos cupped his face.

It was easier like this, when he didn’t need to think. Did not need to consider anything but the feeling of Amos’ mouth, focus only on the small, slow movements of kissing. He reached out and carefully placed his hands on Amos’ waist and Amos pressed a little closer, trapped Alex a little more against the wall. One hand caressing Alex’s face, the other slowly pulling the zipper of his jumpsuit down. Alex was doing better, he was, really, but his heart skipped a beat at that. Amos didn’t go further than that, withdrawing his hand as he reached the end and putting it on Alex’s hip. Alex relaxed. Focused on the feeling of Amos’ warm, wet skin. The sensation of muscles sliding just beneath. It was good. He was good. Right at this moment Amos’ body was not a weapon, just an endless plane of smooth skin for Alex’s fingers to explore. Amos moved closer still, and Alex felt something press against his hip, breaking the spell.

Amos was hard.

Alex’s mind blanked out. Amos’ arms suddenly felt like traps. He couldn’t catch his breath. He was distantly aware of Amos’ voice, clung to that like a lifeline.

“…re okay, Alex. Just breathe. You’re okay. I’m not touching you. I won’t hurt you. Deep breaths.” Alex tried to obey, taking a stuttering breath, opening his eyes to see Amos crouched on the floor in front of him. Alex was on the floor too, his back pressed against the wall, knees drawn up. “That’s good.” Amos’ voice was calm, unnaturally so, as if he was forcing it. Making himself small and still. “You had a panic attack. Flashback?” Alex shook his head, still gasping.

“I… Just claustrophobic.” His head was hurting, his fingertips tingling. Amos wasn’t crowding him anymore, keeping a good distance between them. He looked as if he was about to say something, then reconsidered. Started over, and Alex wondered when he’d gotten good enough at reading him to tell.

“You’ve been doing good. Maybe it’s enough for tonight.” Alex shook his head before thinking. “Alex…”

“Wait.” He couldn’t, not like this. He didn’t want to leave this room shaken and afraid again. “Can we try again?” Amos watched him closely. “I was just... I don’t wanna leave it like this.” Amos sighed and rose. He wasn’t hard anymore; Alex suspected having one’s partner suddenly falling to the floor gasping for breath could have that effect.

“Come on, then.” He pulled Alex off the floor, leading him towards the bed, then lay down on his back waiting, watching. This was the hardest part, when Amos didn’t lead, just waited to see what Alex would do, but Alex’s breathing had calmed and he only shook a little. He reminded himself that this was just about getting comfortable with Amos again.

He reached out, flattening his palm to Amos’ now-cool chest and sliding it upward. Leaned in, cupping his jaw and meeting his lips and it was good again. Amos held very still, but his tongue chased Alex’s as Alex licked carefully against his lips. When Alex let one hand slide down and over his chest Amos reached up to gently touch a hand to his side. That feeling of danger was gone, and in its place was warmth. Amos wasn’t as stiff anymore and Alex let the moment stretch, turned his thoughts to Amos’ body. He smoothed his hand up his hard chest and rubbed his thumb over a nipple. Thought he felt Amos inhale. Caught the small nub between his fingers and rolled and massaged it. When it didn’t feel like enough he withdrew from the kiss, wetter and hotter now, and lowered his mouth to Amos’ chest. Amos definitely reacted, twitching and grabbing a fistful of Alex’s jumpsuit, and that might have been a bit too close for comfort, but Alex focused on his self-appointed task. He listened intently for the little breaths that let him know when his tongue or lips found an especially good spot. Found that Amos liked a little teeth as well.

When Amos grabbed him and pulled him up into a messy kiss he didn’t resist, didn’t feel trapped, just followed, letting Amos take his mouth. When Amos let him go he began kissing his way along his jaw, before he was stopped.

“You’re way too good at that.” Amos breathed, holding him still with one hand pressing Alex’s head to his shoulder.

“That’s the point, isn’t it?” Alex replied. He was feeling a bit hot, so close to Amos while still fully dressed.

“Sure.” Amos’ thumb was moving restlessly against Alex’s neck and his heartbeat was echoing through his chest, fast and insistent. “How are you feeling?”

“Good.” It was true. He was feeling good. The panic seemed to yield when he had something else to think about. “We don’t have to stop.” He murmured. Saw goose bumps rise on the skin of Amos’ chest and then disappear. Alex chased them with a stroke of his palm. Amos’ eyes were still fixed at the ceiling. Alex watched him swallow as his fingers ghosted over an erect nipple. When Alex did it again, Amos pulled him on top of him, crashing their mouths together.

“You will tell me… if you need me to stop.” His voice was firm between kisses. His hands were sliding under Alex’s jumpsuit, smoothing it off his shoulders. The cooler air felt good on his arms, and Amos’ mouth distracted him from the shivering memory of rougher hands on his bare skin.

“Tell me what to do.” Alex whispered. He didn’t want to think anymore. Just exist. Amos might have been under him, but he had stopped being passive. His hands were sliding over Alex’s back and sides, sometimes slipping under his clothes, but always withdrawing. One hand moved up to flatten over Alex’s neck, slowly kneading the skin in sync with the motion of his tongue in Alex’s mouth and Alex’s cock was beginning to take an interest, surprisingly. His body felt secondary to Amos’. Like it almost didn’t matter. “Amos? What do you want me to do?” He whispered again and Amos broke away.

“You’re not having seizures.” If he had seemed hesitant before, now his demeanour was as sure as always. His voice was rough, sending a shiver up Alex’s spine. “So, you feeling up to sucking me off, Alex?” It sounded more like a challenge, but Alex knew it was a question. He believed that Amos would take a no for a no. But there was only one conceivable answer.

“Yes.” He could do it. He liked to think he was good with his mouth, and surely there would be some overlap between a dick and a clit. Amos made a ‘go ahead’ gesture, propping his head on the pillow, his other hand still on Alex’s neck.

So Alex went ahead. Kissed a trail down Amos’ chest, down his flat stomach, knelt between his legs. There was a very obvious tent in Amos’ boxers, a small dark spot over the tip. Alex steeled himself and slowly eased them down. Noticed only now that Amos was smooth and hairless here as well and wondered for a second why he didn’t keep his face the same way. Then Amos’ cock slipped free, bouncing against his stomach.

It seemed even larger this close. Long and thick and Alex felt a tendril of anxiety at the sight of it, but pushed it down. Reached out to take it in a soft grip, silky smooth and hot against his palm. Leaned in and ran his tongue up the shaft in a careful slide. Heard Amos inhale sharply. Tasted faint musk. Swirled his tongue around the tip, and it wasn’t so bad. He could take it in his mouth, the head at least. Grip it a little firmer and suck it a little, running his tongue over the slit. He tried the things he liked himself and adjusted them to Amos’ murmured instructions and small, involuntary reactions.

It was strangely mesmerising, letting everything else fall away as Alex focused on Amos’ body and pleasure. He tried to take him further in, and succeeded to a degree, but there was no way he could take him fully; Amos admonished him when he tried. So he worked with what he had. Amos’ breaths were accented with small moans now and the muscles of his legs twitched and tensed on either side of Alex. He was close, Alex realised with a jolt of almost-pride. He could have pulled away. Would have if Amos told him to. But he wasn’t supposed to, not if they were doing it properly, and Amos didn’t speak, just came in a gush of warm liquid, filling Alex’s mouth with unfamiliar taste. Alex swallowed as best he could, feeling some of it escape from the corners of his mouth. When there was no more forthcoming Alex pulled off. Looked at Amos’ cock, flushed and glistening, and had a hard time connecting it to his actions. Looked up at Amos and met half-lidded blue eyes looking back.

“Good, Alex.” Alex shouldn’t feel proud but he did. The trance-like feeling was subsiding, but he still didn’t feel alarmed. Perhaps because Amos’ cock was softening. Perhaps because he was getting over it.

Amos propped himself up on his elbows and beckoned Alex closer so Alex went. Moving made him aware of the hardness between his own legs, straining against his pants. He ignored it. Let Amos kiss him and taste his own come in Alex’s mouth.

“Want me to take care of you?” Amos murmured, his hand sliding downwards and Alex’s heart skipped an anxious beat.

“No need.” He said, perhaps a fraction too quickly. Amos’ hand stilled, and he drew back to watch Alex for a silent moment, eyes deep and considering.

“Okay.” He wiped at the corner of Alex’s mouth with his thumb. “You’ll need to wash your face before leaving.” Alex relaxed, nodding.

He got out of bed and locked himself in Amos’ tiny bathroom. There were streaks of come congealing in his beard and he washed it away as quickly as he could. The expected panic didn’t materialise. He took a moment longer, willing his erection to go down enough that he could make the journey to his own cabin.

 

When he was behind his own locked door his willpower faltered. His fingers tingled with the feeling of Amos’ skin. His ears echoed with the sound of his breathing. His mouth and nose was filled with the taste of him.

Alex stumbled onto the bed, shoved his pants down and grabbed his cock, which was again hard and throbbing. He jerked himself to the memory of Amos’ cock in his mouth and came with the feeling of his body pushing him down vivid in his mind. When it was over he felt blank.

It was one thing to get hard when Amos was massaging his prostate and jerking him off. It was another thing to get off on sucking his dick. Alex was one of those people who had just never been attracted to men and hadn’t dwelled on the fact, but there was no doubt that he was attracted to Amos. He was also sure he hadn’t felt this way before they started sleeping together. So what had changed? Was it just his body reacting because it connected Amos to sex? Or had something in Alex’s mind changed to adapt to his circumstances? Had he broken when…

Alex shook his head, trying to clear his mind. It didn’t matter. Better he felt arousal than dread when Amos touched him. This was okay. He was okay. He went to take a shower and wash the taste from his mouth.

 

His realisation didn’t really change much. He still went to Amos’ room in the evenings, getting a little more comfortable and going a bit further every time. Talked to Naomi without going into details. Reassured Holden as best he could by acting as he always had. Spent long hours with the _Roci_ , going over logs and running diagnostics, optimising flight paths and monitoring passing ships. There were more and more the closer they got. A few more patrols stopped them, but nothing really bad, just one soldier who pushed Alex up against the wall, making his heart pound in his ears. He didn’t show it, just stayed limp in the soldiers grasp and waited for him to let him go. Amos made a snide comment at the soldier and Holden and Naomi’s expressions showed disapproval, but not alarm or surprise. Later Alex wondered if the patrols were getting more lax or if they were getting better at acting.

 

They received further instructions from Fred’s contact. Nothing much really, just that they were to enter orbit where a ship would be waiting. So it seemed they wouldn’t be going to the surface after all. Alex was relieved, he did not want to be in orbit around Earth without Amos. He thought Amos maybe looked a little disappointed and tried not to think of why.

 

The ship was relatively non-descript, but very large. When Holden hailed them they received instructions to stand by to dock to their hangar bay and Alex got a bad feeling.

“You sure about this?” Amos asked from below. Alex’s fingers hesitated over the controls.

“I’m sure.” Holden replied, though he didn’t sound happy about it. “Do it, Alex.” Alex put them close enough to be grabbed and then tried not to wince as the other ship moved them.

“Don’t worry, honey.” He whispered, soft enough that the others couldn’t hear. “I won’t let them keep you.” They’d blown their way out of one hangar bay. The comms chirped.

“ _Rocinante_ , please have your crew disembark. All of you.” Alex startled. He _really_ didn’t want to get off the _Roci_.

“Acknowledged.” Holden replied. So that was that. Alex gave the _Roci’_ s controls a careful stroke, promising her he’d be back.

In the other ship they were met by a man that looked military in everything but dress. Five other civilian soldiers followed him and Alex felt naked without a weapon; Holden had been adamant they go unarmed.

“There’s a shuttle waiting for you. You’re going to Luna.” The man greeted them. His face was impassive, but the other soldiers watched them suspiciously. Alex edged closer to Amos.

They were the only ones on the shuttle, other than the pilot.

“Nothing’s changed whether we’re doing this on the ship or on Luna.” Holden reminded them. Keep your guard up. Don’t give anything away. Just deliver the data and get out. As the shuttle took off Alex’s heart ached to leave _Roci_ all alone.

They landed and Alex felt light. The gravity on Luna was far below their normal cruising burn. Their magboots didn’t work on the ground, weren’t needed on a moon and he felt hesitant without the anchor. They stepped off into the crowd of the arrival hall, Holden in the lead, to find their rendezvous point.

There were a lot of people. Naomi appeared to be the only Belter on the whole moon and drew a few curious glances. Alex drew no glances at all; there seemed to be a person in a white collar for everyone without and he supposed it had to do with the higher grav on Earth, but was surprised the Earthers would care. Like on Icarus, there were no bruised faces. These Earthers probably used the shock in the collar though, because he saw more than one nervous expression, more than one Martian flinch subtly as their sponsor lifted their hand terminal. And there were no telling what bruises were hidden beneath clothes.

Their rendezvous point turned out to be a cafe. They took a table and Holden ordered coffee. The waiter seemed a little surprised that he wanted four, and Alex noticed that the Martians at the other tables had only water in front of them. Holden renewed his order with a steely tone and the waiter acquiesced. Alex ducked his head.

A woman stopped in front of their table. The first thing Alex noticed was her collar.

“Can I help you?” Holden asked in a guarded tone.

“You’ll come with me.” Her voice was confident, her posture straight and Alex second impression was ‘marine’. She looked like she belonged on the bridge of an MCRN warship and what more, she looked like she knew it. Alex envied her.

Holden didn’t move and the rest of them waited on his move. “Mr Holden. Miss Nagata. Mr Burton. Mr Kamal.” She rattled off their names in the same steely tone.

“And who are you?” Holden’s voice was a little harder.

“I’m the one who’ll bring you to your contact. Come.” Holden rose slowly, eyes fixed on her. When they exited two Earthers joined them, walking on either side of the crew. To keep them from running, as if they had anywhere to run.

Alex didn’t know where he’d expected her to lead them, but it wasn’t to another dock. The only ship there was a shuttle, and not just any shuttle. He slowed, the realisation sinking in.

“That thing’s built for an atmosphere.” He breathed. The Earthers gave him a glare. Amos took a step closer to him. The marine watched him coldly. He remembered himself and lowered his head.

“We’re going to Earth?” Naomi asked, her voice somewhere between alarm and accusation.

“Yes.” The marine answered her, turning on her heel and what other choice had they but to follow?

The Earthers stayed outside the shuttle, but inside was another one waiting for them, a man with a hard face. He didn’t speak, just opened a briefcase and held it open for the marine; not her sponsor then.

“This is for your blood, this is for your muscles and this is for your bones.” She held up two injectors and a box of pills. “A one-time dose for Mr Holden and Mr Burton, since you’ve been off-planet for so long.” She handed them over. “One dose of each once a day for Mr Kamal.” He thought her expression grew colder as she looked at him. “And Miss Nagata, Ceres born and raised, yes?”

“Yeah.” Naomi answered warily.

“You won’t enjoy the stay, but you’ll manage. Single dose twice a day. One double dose right now. The rest of you, single dose, now.” Alex recognised the drugs, had seen them in the medbay and knew them by reputation. He knew that he and Naomi wouldn’t be able to handle the grav without them, but it would be so easy to switch them for something else and Alex didn’t want to be less in control than he already was. To make Holden and Amos take them as well was surely a sign something was wrong. But Holden lifted one of the injectors to his neck and took the shot, eyes fixed on the marine, and Amos followed Naomi. There was no choice. Perhaps there hadn’t been one since they’d first agreed to work with Fred Johnson again.

The drugs were subtle enough that Alex didn’t really feel anything, perhaps a little more clear-headed. He couldn’t tell if there had been anything else in them.

She’d given them enough meds to last a week and a half and when Holden pointed that out he got no answer. Alex didn’t like it but he pocketed his drugs. The marine gave him and Naomi sunglasses, and Alex recognised them as MCRN-manufacture. The factory which would have made these for invading soldiers now made them for chained slaves.

The descent wasn’t that bad; the return trip would be worse. If there was a return trip. But the heaviness didn’t ease when the shuttle stilled and Alex knew what 1 g felt like, both from his time in the military and from the time after, but knowing that the downward pressure came from true gravity and not from acceleration or spin made it somehow _more_.

He got out of the chair, supporting himself on the wall. Even Holden and Amos looked like they felt it and Naomi had a small frown on her brow as she accepted Holden’s hand up. The marine seemed as indifferent to the grav as the hard-faced Earther and Alex wondered how long she’d been on Earth. The collar seemed to weigh a hundred kilos on his shoulders. It made him realise how used he had become to its weight. How rarely he thought about it.

“Eyes down and in front when we exit.” Alex hurried to put his glasses on. The door opened.

His first impression was brightness, the second was the air. It was humid, like it had sometimes gotten on the _Cant_ when the ventilation started crapping out, but it didn’t have that smell of too many bodies pressed together that should have accompanied it. It didn’t smell of greenery like an ag-dome either. Just something vaguely acidic or metallic that made Alex’s nose itch. When they got off Amos placed himself right next to Alex, as if he was ready to take his arm. Alex glanced to the side to see Naomi already leaning on Holden. Behind them the sky was white and endless and Alex’s eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to it. His head spun; he turned his gaze to the ground, grey concrete, plain and simple. He could walk on his own. As long as he didn’t look up. The marine’s pace was slow enough, but Alex hadn’t actually walked around in 1 g since his days in training and his legs started to burn after twenty metres.

“Alex.” Amos said quietly, holding out his arm for Alex to take. And Alex couldn’t refuse it, not with the Earther walking behind them, watching. Amos felt solid and his gait was steady. After another ten metres Alex was grateful for the support.

They entered into a relatively darker building. Alex looked up, still letting his sunglasses hide his eyes. It was small, the same grey concrete and unnervingly nondescript. The kind of building one could enter without ever coming out of. But there wasn’t much else to do but follow the marine and crowd themselves into an elevator going up, subtly adding just a few more grams to Alex’s weight that he felt in his spine. He leaned against Amos until it stopped. They went through a grey corridor and then through a nondescript door. Inside was an office with white furniture and full-length windows. Alex saw a city, stretching all the way to the horizon before he had to turn his gaze away. There was only one speck of colour in the entire room: the woman sitting at the desk. As soon as he saw her Alex recognised her.

“My name is Cristjen Avasarala. We’ve talked, Mr Holden.” She was striking, her presence commanding. The marine went to stand behind her in a parade rest. The hard-faced Earther stayed by the door.

“Madam Avasarala.” Holden’s demeanour remained hard. “I didn’t know I would get the pleasure to meet you.” She gave him a small smile.

“Please sit down. I believe you have something for me?” Alex sank into one of the chairs in front of her desk. Amos remained standing right behind him, had probably gotten over the grav already. _This_ was Fred’s contact? One of the heads of UN government, and he wanted to deliver whatever was on that ship to _her_. A dark suspicion rose in his mind: that perhaps the OPA was seeking to benefit on Mars’ misfortune. That Fred Johnson was selling them out for the benefit of the Belt. He wanted reach out and stop Holden as he slid the small chip with the stored data over the table. Amos’ hand landed on his shoulder. It pressed Alex heavily into his seat, making the fight drain out of him. And what could he have done anyways?

“Now that you have it, we’ll leave.” Holden said, beginning to rise.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that quite yet.” She said, watching him calmly. Holden’s hands tightened on the armrests.

“Why not?”

“A precaution.” She made no move to look at the data they’d brought. Not in front of them. “You’ll spend a week here, free to roam as you will, but not to leave the surface. Take a holiday. Perhaps you’d like to visit your parents, Mr Holden. I had a chat with one of your mothers, she was very nice.” Holden’s face was furious; she wasn’t fazed. “Cotyar will give you enough for your expenses and help you get going.”

With that she rose and exited the room. Alex drew a deep breath. Being curious about Earth was something entirely different from wanting to spend a week here, surrounded by Earthers.

“Free people, over here.” The Earther said, moving around the desk to take Avasarala’s seat. The marine rolled her eyes as she moved out of the way.

“Mr Kamal, this way.” She said brusquely.

They needed to fix the paperwork and apparently that was different for Martians too now. While the hard-faced man took care of the rest of the crew, the marine took Alex to the side to scan his collar with the exact same device the EMSO used. She looked at him with contempt and it chafed.

“You look down on me.” The others were across the room; he could talk to her if he kept his voice down. “I’d think someone in your position could afford to have a little more compassion with their compatriots.” She lowered her terminal and gave him a flat look.

“I used to think so too, but there’s very few that are actually worth helping. I tried.” Her expression gained a harder edge. “But that’s not why I ‘look down’ on you. I read your file. You _left_ Mars when she needed you, out of your own selfishness.” There was anger in her voice and Alex swallowed. “People like you are what weakened us enough to let this happen. You are the ones who deserve the collar.” She returned to her terminal, having delivered his conviction. Alex had no defence. He hadn’t thought of it that way. He just hadn’t been able to face a life locked beneath glass domes without ever flying again. She made him feel ashamed of himself in an entirely new way.

 

Paperwork finished, the marine and the Earther gave them a moment alone. With them gone, there was no excuse for Alex to slink up to Amos’ side. He told himself he didn’t need to.

“Well, you did say you wanted me to meet your parents.” Naomi’s voice was a little strained. Alex hoped she would get used to it.

“Yeah.” Holden gave the door a glare before reining in his temper and continuing in a calmer voice. “I guess it’s the best course of action. We should go there.”

“I’m not coming.” Amos said, leaning on the desk.

“Where are you going?” Naomi asked. He hesitated a moment before answering.

“Baltimore.” His face was unreadable. “For a day or two at least.”

“Okay.” Holden said slowly, watching. “Come when you’re finished. I don’t like splitting up more than necessary. Just fix it so Alex can come with us.”

“I’m going with him.” It didn’t matter that he’d felt a weight in his stomach when he heard where Amos was going. He was certain Amos wasn’t going to a happy reunion and equally certain that he needed to go with him. He looked at Amos, who nodded.

“Are you sure?” Holden asked, looking Alex dead in the eye.

“Yeah.” He couldn’t have made any other choice.

 

When they arrived in Baltimore it was still early. Apart from the short walk to where they had met Avasarala, Alex had spent his time inside buildings or vehicles. He had gotten to uneasy terms with the gravity, had stopped stumbling over small uneven pieces of floor, but he still held gratefully on to Amos’ arm. To his surprise he saw a few other Martians here, all following behind their sponsors. He wondered if it was possible for them to live on Earth indefinitely, or if their bones would eventually bend and break under their weight. He hoped to god that Avasarala would make good on her word and let them leave.

Amos was quiet and Alex wanted to ask him about his plans, but he felt drained and ended up just leaning on his shoulder and dozing as they sat on the transport. He felt like he was trapped in an endless burn and he wished he could either shut it down or turn it up and get it over with. He startled as Amos moved; they’d reached their stop.

The air was different here. Colder. The sky seemed darker too, and as Alex’s eyes strayed upward it was a solid grey colour, like an endless metal ceiling. He turned his gaze away quickly.

As they stepped out a gust of wind met them, pushing its way into Alex’s lungs, making his breath stutter. He had watched the wind make the dust dance and swirl. Had seen storms where the dust was thick enough to turn the sky a solid dark red. But there was a difference seeing it and feeling it. It wasn’t like the soft draft from a vent, nor the fierce suction of a hull-breach. It pushed against them in uneven gusts, there one minute, gone the next. He couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel with the weaker grav on Mars, if it would push him off his feet. It was also cold, sneaking in under his clothes and stealing his heat. He pressed a bit closer to Amos, who stood looking out into the distance.

“What’s the plan?” He kept his voice low, aware of the Earthers moving past them. They watched him, curiously. Amos drew a deep breath, as if waking from sleep.

“You cold, Alex?” Amos himself didn’t show any sign of feeling it, but Alex could see goose bumps forming on his bare arms.

“A bit.”

“Let’s get some clothes.” And that didn’t answer Alex’s question at all, but Amos was already moving and the wind was cold.

 

Amos went into the first clothes shop they came across. The store was nearly empty, the clerk coming over to greet Amos with a wide smile as soon as they entered. Alex took a silent seat as the clerk addressed only Amos. Next to the chair was a table with a selection of knit caps in various colours and shapes. He picked one up, a dark grey one which wasn’t so dissimilar from one he’d used to own. It was very soft.

“That’s real wool.” The clerk said brightly from right behind him, startling him. It was still not addressed to him, so he kept quiet. “Merino, soft and wonderfully warm.” Alex put it down. There was no point in spending scrip on something he wouldn’t need if- _when_ he got back. The _Roci_ was nice and warm: well-made, Martian craftsmanship.

Amos picked up the cap that Alex had been holding and went to pay without having said a single word.

 

The cap _was_ very soft and warm, if not exactly windproof, but with a jacket and shoes made for the surface Alex felt much better when he stepped outside this time.

“Thank you.” He said quietly, fiddling with his jacket. The metal collar prevented it from closing all the way, and when Alex tried putting it on the outside it crushed the stiff fabric uncomfortably tight around his neck. He tucked it back inside where it peeked out through the slightly open zipper. It was warm enough. And the EMSO’s rules didn’t allow him to conceal the collar anyways. He put one hand in his pocket and took Amos’ arm with the other. Amos moved it to his own pocket, closing his fingers around it.

“You don’t have to thank me.” Amos said after long enough a pause that Alex had almost forgotten what he was talking about. “You shouldn’t.” He sounded disconcerted.

They walked for another few minutes, until Alex’s legs burned and Amos took pity on him. He got them a small, driverless pod. Sheltered from the wind, Alex felt overheated. He leaned his head back against the seat, eyes carefully closed. Focused on the press of Amos’ leg against his. On the motions of the pod.

“How’re you holding up?” Amos’ voice sounded distant. Alex let his head roll to the side so he could see his profile.

“I’m okay.” Alex replied. “Can’t walk far, but…” He remembered being made to run for hundreds of metres in 1 g. But there was no such training for transport pilots, and no training at all for the pilot of a rust-bucket ice-hauler. He needed to get in better shape. For _Roci_. She deserved a better pilot.

Amos didn’t react to his response, just looked out through the window. Alex closed his eyes. Drifted off a little. The pod stopped and the doors opened in a gust of cold wind that woke him right up. He hurried to pull his jacket closed.

Outside was misery.  That was the only thing Alex could call it. The buildings were still tall, but neglected, and some seemed empty. He saw people huddling in small groups, around cookers or fires, or sat against a wall. The smell of refuse and human waste lingered between the gusts of wind. He would have expected this scene on Eros, but not on Earth. It was like something taken straight from the Martian propaganda he’d believed less the longer he’d been away. He thought back to where they’d begun the journey. It didn’t seem like this could be the same planet. Amos had paused a few steps ahead and Alex would have hurried to catch up, but he suspected he’d need his strength.

He slid his hand back into Amos’ pocket and they moved. Amos didn’t seem fazed by the people here, nor did the people pay much notice to them. Alex didn’t see a single Martian and he could understand that. On Earth, unlike in the Belt, sponsorship seemed reserved for the rich. He tugged at his zipper, trying to pull the jacket a bit more closed around his collar. Amos walked with purpose, easily choosing his path through the streets and alleys. When he finally stopped Alex was sweating again.

Amos was looking up at a dull, square building, maybe four or five storeys tall, it was hard to tell when you couldn’t really look at the sky. He made no move to go inside and Alex waited. Watched it, but couldn’t see any movement in the windows. Watched Amos.

He wore a non-expression on his face. Something so fixed and neutral that it had to be a mask. What was this house to him? Had he grown up here? Did he know someone who lived here? But then, why wouldn’t he go inside? Amos’ face gave no answers, but pressed as he was to him, Alex thought he could feel a slight tremble running through him. Could be the wind. It felt colder now, when they were standing still and the sweat was cooling Alex’s skin. Amos was like a statue, and Alex’s feet were hurting from standing for too long.

A few people were watching them. They made a strange picture where they stood, Alex supposed, but couldn’t shake the thought that they were perhaps too conspicuous here, with new jackets and shoes, their flight suits and Alex’s half-hidden collar. And he didn’t usually worry, but Amos wasn’t looking entirely _there_ , Alex was worse than useless, and Holden had made them leave their guns on the _Roci_. And wouldn’t it be ironic if, after everything, they were murdered for their shoes? It didn’t feel like an exaggeration. They needed to go inside if they were going and Alex needed to tell Amos just that, but he couldn’t quite make himself. Something in the line of Amos’ body told him that he would not take an interruption well. There were more people watching them now, and Alex’s neck prickled but he didn’t want to turn around and draw attention.

“Hey, Alex.” He startled at Amos’ slow words. Amos was still staring fixedly at the building. “I think we should get a drink.”

“Sure thing.” Alex said. Anything that would get them away from here.

Amos turned away from the house and led them down the street, toward a bar with a blinking sign.

 

Inside, he had walls and a ceiling above him and the lights were dim. Amos ordered a bottle of whatever was strongest with two glasses, before finding a seat in the corner. There were quite a few people there already, perhaps slightly less worn than those who gathered outside, talking loudly between themselves. It was warm, too warm for a jacket, and Alex probably looked more suspicious wearing it than taking it off. Amos had already hung his on the seat next to him. So Alex took his off together with his glasses, feeling like his collar was a beacon in the dark. Amos gave him a glass, but Alex’s balance was already shot and he wasn’t sure getting drunk was the best idea. Amos threw his back and refilled it.

“You okay?” Alex asked him in an undertone. Amos didn’t answer, just drained his second glass, pouring a third. Though his posture was casual, there was something tense about him, like a cable pulled tight enough to snap. “Just remember you’ll have to walk on your own.” Alex muttered, leaving him to it, leaning back against his seat and trying to be small and unnoticeable.

It worked for a while. Amos slowed down, but didn’t look up or speak. The crowd thickened. Music started playing, something fast and Earthen that Alex didn’t like.

“Wow, you’re a Martian?” A too high, not entirely sober voice came from next to Alex and he tensed up. Glanced over and saw worn and too-bright shoes and dark pants. “I love that movie with that Martian and her sponsor, what’s it called… Are you listening? Hey, I’m talking to you.” He gave Alex’s shoulder a small push.

“He’s not allowed to talk to assholes.” Amos’s voice was slow and rough. There was maybe a quarter of the bottle left. He didn’t look up. “You touch him again and I’ll break your fucking face.” The bright shoes walked away. Amos picked up his drink. Alex glanced around the room. Several people were looking their way, some with curious expressions, some hostile.

“Hey, maybe we should call it a night?” He said, leaning over to speak in Amos’ ear.

“Nah, it’s okay.” Amos put his arm around Alex’s shoulders and it felt like a lead weight. Alex grunted as Amos pulled him close, mercifully shifting his grip so his weight rested more on the backrest than on Alex. With his other hand he refilled his glass. Alex was starting to get properly worried. Amos was clearly dealing with something he didn’t want to talk about, but Alex was sure he’d snap out of it on his own. He wasn’t so sure of his own ability to navigate the city if Amos got blackout drunk. He waited another few minutes, let Amos have another glass and then tried again.

“Amos-”

“Mind if we sit down?” A large man and a thin, worn woman sat down opposite them. Alex lowered his gaze to the table. Amos reached for his glass. “It’s rare to see a sponsor here.” The lack of answer didn’t dissuade him. “Quite a lot of responsibility, sponsorship. Not only you have to keep them with food and clothes, you have to make sure they’re trained and well-behaved, or it’s on your head.” ‘Trained and well-behaved’, that was him all right, Alex thought sourly. “You ever get tired of it?” Amos gave a dry chuckle, to Alex’s surprise. He hadn’t thought he’d been listening. “I’ll get to the point, son, I’d like to buy him off you.” As if he was talking about a possession. Alex felt a shiver down his spine.

“Hmm, don’t work like that.” There was a distinct slur to Amos’ voice now. “Tell ‘im why, Alex.” Alex wished that Amos wouldn’t indulge this man. The thin woman was leaning on him, petting his chest and looking just like a trinket apart from missing a collar, right down to her empty eyes.

“He took me instead of the finder’s-fee.” Alex addressed the man’s hands in a toneless voice. There were thick gold rings on his fingers. “He can’t transfer my sponsorship without the EMSO’s approval. Temporary transfer only.” Thank you, EMSO handbook, in all your dehumanising horror.

“Temporary transfer’s all I need.” The man’s voice turned gleeful. “I’ll be straight with you. I run a meat-grinder and I’m looking for some new talent. You’ll be free of your burden and leave with enough scrip to make up for your losses.” Alex didn’t want to know what a meat-grinder was. Could imagine it all too well. His stomach felt full of ice. He didn’t doubt Amos, not at all, but the bottle was nearly empty and Amos was swaying slightly in his seat.

“Meat-grinder, huh?” Amos said quietly. He picked up the bottle and then, too quickly to react, smashed it over the man’s head. He slumped in his chair, blood flowing from his head, drowning his face in red. The woman next to him screamed, scrambling to get away.

“Jesus, Amos.” Alex breathed. There was so much blood. Amos sat back, casually picked up Alex’s untouched glass and downed it.

“Come on.” He said, unbothered, and rose. Alex quickly grabbed their jackets and the bag with their magboots before following. He wasn’t sure if the man was breathing. The rest of the people in the bar avoided looking at them as they left.

 

It was dark outside, and cold. Amos didn’t seem bothered, no wonder considering he’d drunk a whole bottle of whatever by himself. He didn’t cooperate with Alex’s attempts of getting his jacket on him.

“Come on, Amos. Where are we going?” Amos leaned against the wall of the bar, watching him wordlessly. Cursing, Alex gave up his attempts to dress him and got out his hand terminal. There was a hotel just a block away, though god knew what kind. But Alex couldn’t walk further, he didn’t think the public transport would listen to a Martian, and Amos was looking unsteady on his feet. “Okay, partner, you’ll have to walk on your own, can’t lean on me. Come on.” He took Amos’ arm in one hand and his jacket and the bag in the other. There were only two pairs of boots in it and it really had no right to be so heavy. Nor had Amos any right to be able to walk after that much alcohol. But walking he was, following Alex as he stumbled in the dark, gentle as a lamb.

The hotel turned out to be just as bad as Alex had feared, but at least it didn’t seem to be an actual brothel. Amos leaned against the desk, looking silently at a faded painting, leaving Alex to talk to the man behind it. He stared at Alex’s collar and leered when he asked for a room but at least he didn’t ask them how many hours. At least Amos cooperated enough to pay and to go up the stairs on his own. Alex could barely manage himself.

He didn’t really care about the state of the room, just dropped his things and locked the door behind them. Amos stumbled over to the bed and fell onto it. There was only one. Alex was too tired to care about that either. At least it looked somewhat clean in the darkness.

He pulled off Amos’ shoes before dressing down to his t-shirt and boxers. Amos could sleep clothed, there was no way Alex could move him. He considered leaving him on top of the cover as well, but then he touched Amos’ arm. His skin was really cold.

“Hey, Amos.” Alex shook his shoulder gently, then a bit harder. “Come on, get under the covers and then you can sleep.” Amos opened his eyes abruptly.

“Alex…” He murmured. Alex managed to get him under the cover, the single cover, and then fell back against the mattress, grateful to yield to the gravity. He’d almost drifted off, thought Amos had gone back to sleep when he shifted closer, putting a cold hand on Alex’s chest.

“Sleep, Amos.” He groaned, not as bothered by the cold appendage as by his weariness.

“You’re really good, Alex.” Amos murmured drunkenly into his ear. “I wish I…” He trailed off, curling up against Alex, sliding his hand down Alex’s chest, and that wasn’t sleepy at all. Nor was Alex. Not with the cold whisper of apprehension saying that a sober Amos might care about Alex’s wishes, but a drunk Amos might not.

“Take your shirt off.” Amos whispered, and Alex froze inside. “I won’t… mmm… won’t… I just wanna see you.” And the room was almost fully dark and they were under the cover, but there was something in Alex that found it almost impossible to refuse but so easy to comply. Amos let him go and watched as Alex warily pulled his shirt off. He smoothed his hand over Alex’s chest. Alex’s heart sped up and a tremble started up in his muscles.

“Good.” Amos pulled him down on the bed again so they were lying face to face. “Good Alex.” Amos’ mouth tasted of strong alcohol as he leaned over and gave Alex a hard, drunken kiss. His fingers combed through the hair on Alex’s stomach in a tickling touch, and Alex stayed as still and silent as he could. He didn’t want Amos to continue. Didn’t like the uncertainty that made it hard to breathe. Hated that he’d been doing so well and now he was shaking in Amos’ arms, afraid that Amos wouldn’t listen or care. And the worst part was that, despite everything, he felt a small spark of arousal from the touch. Like his body didn’t care if his mind wanted it; like it just wanted to be taken. Amos’ hand slid lower, squeezed his ass and the spark grew stronger.

“Hey, Amos.” Alex pulled away to whisper, frantic. “Are you okay?” It was all he could think of to distract him. To his surprise it seemed to work; Amos groaned and turned his face to the pillow.

“Don’t think so.” His hand shifted to a restless stroking motion over Alex’s side. “I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?” Alex prayed he wasn’t talking about the sponsorship. Amos wouldn’t sell him to a meat-grinder, but he might transfer him to Holden, and despite the jittering fear in his belly Alex only wanted Amos.

“Go there.” He waved his hand in an uncoordinated gesture. Alex breathed a sigh of relief as it didn’t show any sign of returning to its unwanted caresses.

“It’s okay, Amos.” Alex whispered carefully. “You can go tomorrow, just sleep.”

“No.” He looked up at Alex, the faint light from outside catching in his eyes. “I ain’t good for you.” He said, with startling sobriety. “You should get away.”

“It’s okay.” Alex repeated. Amos took his arm in a hard grip. Alex’s heart sped up.

“Sometimes I can’t think of a single reason why I shouldn’t push you down on the floor and fuck you raw.” Alex’s mind screamed at him to get away, but he was trapped. By Amos’ arm, by the Earth’s merciless gravity, and by his own traitor muscles who refused to resist. “And I don’t want to leave the _Roci_. I like it there.” Amos’ grip loosened and his voice turned plaintive. “I like Naomi, and Holden. I like you, Alex. You’re so, _so_ good and I’m breaking you.” He rolled over on his back with a miserable expression on his face.

“You’re not breaking me.” He was breaking Alex’s heart a little though. “I’m okay, Amos, really.”

“No. You’re not.” Amos’ voice was hollow.

“Shh, it’ll all be better in the morning.” Alex said, hushing Amos like he’d used to hush his kid when he’d been home. It made his heart ache, but it seemed to work, because Amos closed his eyes and as Alex watched his breathing evened out in sleep.

Alex remained fixed in place, anxiously watching for another few minutes, maybe ten, maybe thirty. The cover had slid down and he was shivering from the cold now. Only the cold.

Carefully he pulled the cover back up, stilling whenever Amos seemed to move in the shadows. Lay down, and the bed seemed too wide and too cold. He could feel Amos radiating inviting heat across the distance between them, but he’d barely gotten away and he didn’t want to risk it. The collar weighed against his throat. He watched Amos. Eventually he slept.

He didn’t usually remember his dreams, but under the Earth’s influence he dreamt eerie, heated dreams in which there were dark shapes pressing him down, down, down, until he woke in the dark. He watched Amos. He slept. He dreamt.

 

Morning came unwelcome, bright light stabbing at Alex’s eyes through his eyelids. Something was pushing him down and he tried to pull away before remembering. Earth. Amos. He opened his eyes a painful crack. There was nothing but the cover on top of him, but in front of him was Amos’ clothed shoulder. He was on his belly and Alex was curled around him. The room was cool but it was warm under the cover. The terror of the night had melted away and Alex may not have felt rested, but it was almost a comfortable feeling, as if he could slip right back into sleep. He hid his face from the sun against Amos’ shoulder. Curled a little closer to him. Dozed. The vague shapes of the dream returned, pressing him down.

“Alex?” A note of alarm in Amos’ voice pulled him back to consciousness. Amos was looking down at him now, Alex’s arm still slung loosely over his waist.

“Amos.” Alex murmured back. The room seemed even brighter now and he closed his eyes again.

“You okay?” Amos shook him a little. “Why is there blood on my hand?” Alex looked. Groaned in revulsion at the sight of the stains on Amos’ hand.

“It’s not mine.” He muttered. “You smashed a bottle over someone’s head. Might have killed him.” The thought did not disturb him as much as it probably should have. He moved a little closer to Amos, hiding in his shadow.

“Shit.” Amos said, lying back down. “It’s probably not a problem, not here. Was he anyone important?”

“Don’t know. Said he ran a meat-grinder.”

“Good.” Amos sighed. Put his arm around Alex. He hoped it wasn’t the bloody one. Probably didn’t matter.

“You feeling better?” It came out half-muffled against Amos’ chest.

“Hung-over.” Amos muttered.

“Do you want to…” ‘ _go back and stare at that house some more_ ’ “…go somewhere today?” Amos sighed.

“No. Let’s go to Holden’s.” It sounded like defeat to Alex. Amos hadn’t come all the way here to stare at a building for half-an-hour and then just leave. Alex pushed himself up on an elbow and squinted at him.

“Amos, why did we come here?” Amos looked up at him silently. The light that hurt Alex’s eyes turned Amos’ brilliantly blue. “What happened here?” Amos expression shifted, turning tired and sad.

“I lost something here.” He said quietly. A chill ran through Alex’s heart. “It’s okay, I got better. Just not good.” He sighed and pushed himself up into a sitting position, breaking eye contact. “I don’t think there’s anyone left here that I need to see.” Alex stared at his back. He hadn’t expected an answer, even a cryptic one like that. Implications, theories and guesses swarmed in his mind, all horrifying, but he pushed them away. He didn’t need to know. Just needed to stay by Amos.

“Hey.” He said, pushing himself up. He put his arm around Amos in what passed for a brotherly gesture. “We’ll go meet Holden’s parents.”

 

They got up. Took turns showering in the small, cramped shower with mould in the corners. Alex had been in worse places and the water was warm enough. He didn’t have anything for his hair, and wet it hung almost straight in the heavy grav. He sighed and rubbed it dry with the threadbare towel. The cap would keep it out of his eyes. They were also lacking in toothbrushes or even a change of clothes. Amos looked particularly rumpled, having slept in his.

“We’ll go shopping after we’ve eaten.” His voice was still rough, but he sounded better than this morning, better than yesterday. He watched as Alex took his meds, which maybe made him breathe a little lighter, feel a little less tired. They took their jackets and bag and left. Alex got his sunglasses out. Judging by the rays of sunlight just starting to reach into the room, he’d need them.

They stepped out into blinding sunshine. Alex’s steps faltered and Amos stopped. Yesterday the sun had been weak and it had still troubled Alex. He wondered how Amos’ head was doing, but Amos wasn’t complaining.

“It’s spring, Martian.” There was a hint of a smile in his tone. “Feel the sun.” So Alex turned his face upwards, eyes carefully closed, and felt it. Warm, even through the thick atmosphere, in a way it never was on Mars. That was the advantage of Earth’s proximity to the sun: endless, burning energy in abundance. The air was warmer too, the wind having ceased. A different day entirely.

Amos took them to a place not too far away and bought pancakes. Alex hadn’t eaten since lunch yesterday and eagerly tucked in. They were good, soft and warm, but settled heavily in his stomach, courtesy of 1 g.

“You should eat.” Amos’ attention was on his own plate, eating in large bites. Alex sighed and took another bite. He would get used to it.

He was still eating when Amos pushed his plate away and picked up his hand terminal.

“Doesn’t seem like we can leave until tomorrow.” He leaned back against the seat, looked out. Alex watched him. He didn’t look as restless as yesterday, his eyes were not quite as shadowed. But he didn’t look quite the same as back on the _Roci_ , or even when they were station-side; there was something closed-off and guarded in the way he sat. Alex was still concerned for him and something in him wanted to reach out.

“Have you ever seen the sea?” The words slipped out, something he’d been thinking about, but had felt foolish asking. Amos gaze shifted to Alex.

“Can’t see it from the city.” He said. “I’ve seen the bay, it’s about the same, I guess. Except you can see land on the other side.” And Alex wanted to ask more, wanted to ask how it looked, how it smelled, if Amos had touched it and how it had felt, but Amos had already turned his gaze back to the window. Alex ate the last bites of his pancakes instead, chewing slowly. Thought of the pictures he’d seen of the ocean and tried to imagine how it felt, to stand there with the wind against his skin.

“Do you want to see it?” Alex looked up. Amos’ eyes were on him now.

“I think everyone does, deep down.” He said carefully. Martians, Belters; all exiles from the planet where their species originated must have wondered what it was like at least once.

“We have the time. We can go and come back, spend another night in the city and leave early tomorrow.” And Alex couldn’t help but feel excited at the thought, a small smile creeping onto his face, the first in what felt like months.

“Let’s buy a toothbrush first.” Amos clapped him on the shoulder and rose.

 

They found a small store. Got toothbrushes and a cheap razor that would suffice to keep the edges of Alex’s beard neat. Amos was getting some snacks for the road when Alex’s eyes fell on a shelf by the register. Bottles of lubrication with suggestive names stood in a row, and they had one more night before going to Holden’s. It was what was expected, wasn’t it? Part of the act? He picked one. Put it in Amos’ basket without comment. Amos glanced at him, his face betraying nothing. The cashier took his scrip with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

They got clothes, simple shirts and pants in Earthen cuts and changed in the fitting room. Found a public bathroom and Alex could finally brush his stale mouth.

There were fewer people on the transport than when they’d arrived. Alex sat by the window with Amos’ bulk shielding him from passers-by. He didn’t look out, not when his brain and stomach was more used to the movements of a spaceship than of a land-based vehicle. He leaned against Amos and closed his eyes.

“Hey, we’re here.” Amos’ voice woke him from the indefinable shapes of his dream. They got off and Amos led them down a street which was new and clean and beautiful, completely unlike where they’d woken up, where Amos had probably grown up. There was a different smell to the air, salty and sour and strange. They went around a corner and the street ahead of them seemed to proceed out into the air. Into the ocean.

They were on a pier, extending out into an endless blue-grey, _rolling, moving_ , mass of water. There was no other people there, apart from an old couple. Alex leaned on the railing, looking down, seeing his shadow stretch before him and waves rise then crest as they neared a thin, pebbled stretch of beach.

“Can we touch it?” He wondered, spellbound.

“Better not.” Amos replied evenly. “It’s bad for your health, too many chemicals.” All that water. The _immense_ amount. What would it take to pollute that much of it? To the degree that it was no longer safe to touch?

He glanced up, following the waves outwards with his gaze. There was no end. The individual waves bled together and formed one uniform grey that cut off abruptly into blue. The horizon. Water all the way to the horizon. And the sky; yesterday it had been hidden, but today it was intensely blue and that was just _wrong_. To look up and not see glass domes and red sky or black vacuum, but instead unrestricted blue, and to _know_ that there was nothing between him and the rest of the universe. No hull. No glass ceiling. No pressure suit. Only a thin layer of gas held down by the crushing gravity.

Looking up and out over the ocean, with nothing to fasten his gaze on, nausea clamped down on Alex. His head spun and he would have fallen if Amos’ arms hadn’t appeared around him. He closed his eyes and breathed metallic air.

“You’re really not managing that well, are you?” Amos asked bluntly, but Alex heard concern beneath the words.

“Just stay still.” He groaned, trying not to vomit. Amos kept his arms around him, as immovable as a rock and slowly the nausea faded. The sea rumbled quietly around them. That too was nearly endless and eerily opaque; you could see the surface but below it there could be anything. Alex was starting to feel done with the sea.

“You okay?” Amos asked.

“Yeah. Just having problems with my balance.” He was feeling better now, probably could stay upright on his own if he kept his eyes down. He opened his eyes. Amos was watching him with a slight frown, his mouth just a few centimetres from Alex’s. For a quiet moment Alex fought the urge to close the distance, then Amos spoke.

“Wanna stay?”

“No.” He straightened. Amos arms lingered, checking that he wasn’t going to fall again.

 

On the transport back another Martian and her sponsor sat opposite them. The Martian’s expression was blank, but her eyes were locked on Alex. She wasn’t wearing sunglasses and didn’t seem bothered by the light.

“Is he new?” The other sponsor asked in polite interest, gesturing to Alex.

“We’re visiting.” Amos said disinterestedly.

“Ah. Probably for the best. I’ve had Mia almost since the beginning.” She stroked the Martian’s hair like one might a pet. “But she’s weak-boned and even with the medication they’re not really built for this gravity. Shame.” She didn’t sound concerned at all, just faintly disappointed.

“Why don’t you go somewhere with weaker gravity?”

“I’ve got my job and my family. I can hardly relocate because of an expensive pet, can I? No, I will keep her as long as I can and make sure my next one isn’t so fragile.” Alex closed his eyes and leaned his head on Amos’ shoulder, trying really hard to stop listening to her. He only succeeded in drawing her attention. “Yours look sturdy enough. May I?” She reached out for Alex and he focused on not drawing back, not flinching. Amos stopped her.

“No.” He said coldly. His hand swallowed her thin wrist. The Martian watched her sponsor’s hand as it hovered a decimetre from Alex.

“Well, excuse me!” She said, clearly offended. The transport stopped and she rose, pulling the Martian after her.

“It’s our stop too.” Amos sighed and got up. Alex took his arm and followed. The other pair was just ahead of them, walking the same way, and he followed the Martian with his eyes. He pitied her. He wondered how different she would have been before she was captured and collared. If she would have smiled, what she had worked with. He wondered if she had seen the sea.

As he watched she suddenly moved, grabbing something from a table they passed and plunging it into her sponsor’s neck. The sponsor stumbled, grabbed at her and fell. Alex gasped.

“Freeze, police!” A man’s shout and then Alex’s collar triggered. The ground felt so much harder in 1 g and he heard distant screams and Amos cursing. All he could think was that he couldn’t have another seizure, the Earthers wouldn’t treat him and if he wasn’t a pilot he was nothing. His body jerked and twitched, pulling in all directions at once in agony and then it stopped.

Alex drew a gasping breath. Saw other white-collared people on the ground. Looked up and saw the Martian woman, Mia, being hit with a baton and then handcuffed. Her sponsor was hidden by the crowd.

“Alex.” Amos kneeled beside him, offering him a hand. Alex took it, but didn’t quite have the strength to pull himself up yet. His glasses were lying on the floor in front of him. “I got some of that too, bit stronger than the _Roci_ ’s love taps.” Alex nodded. He tried not to think of where the police would take that Martian. He couldn’t do anything about it. Amos picked up his sunglasses and pulled him to his feet.

“Let’s go before they start looking for witnesses.” Amos said in an undertone, looking around. Alex didn’t want to tell them what he’d seen, and he really didn’t want to know what they’d do to him if they thought he was lying. He took Amos’ arm and walked a bit faster.

 

“What do you think they will do to her?” Alex asked hoarsely once they were in the safety of another driverless pod.

“No idea.” Amos replied. “Nothing good.” Alex shivered. The image of her eyes, fixed on his, lingered.

“What the hell did her sponsor do to her to make her do that? She didn’t care what happened after, just did it.” Amos’ hand slid around the back of his neck.

“Don’t think about it. Won’t do her any good.” Alex looked at him through the dark glass. Amos was frowning.

“Maybe if more Earthers thought about her it would.” Amos’ thumb was rubbing the skin under the collar, soothing some of the ache of the too heavy metal.

“You’re not an Earther. Don’t think about it.” He squeezed Alex’s neck softly and Alex fell silent. He felt so heavy and tired, and tingling pain still lingered from the shock. He shifted, slowly, so he could lean against Amos and try to sleep.

 

They got a different hotel that night, in a different part of the city where Amos hadn’t maybe killed someone. The room was a little smaller, a little cleaner and a little more worn, but otherwise basically the same. Alex peeled off his jacket and sat on the bed. Amos put the flimsy bag with their belongings by the side.

“Did I do anything last night?” He asked, out of nowhere. Alex glanced up; Amos’ eyes were fixed on him.

“You smashed a bottle over a man’s head.” Alex said slowly.

“To you, I mean.”

“Nah.” He hadn’t really. Just a bit of touching and he’d been drunk. It wasn’t anything Alex couldn’t take.

“’Cause I’m wondering why you wanted that bottle of lube.” Alex hadn’t really thought about what to answer if he asked.

“It’s not ‘cause of that. I know you won’t…” What? Hurt him? Take him against his will? ‘Fuck him raw’? “Just thought we could use it.” He glanced up at Amos. He looked as if he was trying to puzzle something out.

“Do you want to, Alex?” His tone was flat, but there was something charged underlying it. Alex swallowed.

“Yeah.” The admission felt shameful, the word hanging in the air, judging him. Amos sat down next to him, the bed dipping under his weight.

“Can you deal with the grav?”

“I ain’t a fragile flower.” Amos’ hand was on his thigh now, sliding upwards.

“I know.” Apart from his hand, Amos was still. Alex didn’t move, frozen but not in fear. That quiet warm trance-state was beginning to creep in as Amos slid his hand higher, as he cupped him through his clothes. A shudder ran down Alex’s spine. He leaned in. Pressed his lips to Amos’ in soft submission. Amos’ other hand gripped the back of his neck, squeezing.

The last time they’d done this Alex had been lying with his back against Amos’ front, being fucked by his fingers. He’d gotten so close to begging Amos to replace them with his cock.

He reached out now. Smoothed his fingers over Amos’ chest, separated from his skin by a thin layer of fabric. Amos tongue licked its way into his mouth and Alex met it, welcoming it. Amos pulled the cap from his head, grabbing him by the hair and pulled his head carefully back to kiss his neck. His other hand left Alex’s now hard cock and pushed under his shirt.

“Take it off and lie down.” Amos’ breath whispered over Alex’s throat. He pulled off his own shirt too, and Alex felt a surge of want as he watched. He reached for him, tried to map all that hot skin and hard muscles that weren’t threatening right now. Right now Amos was careful, thoughtful even, suspending himself on hands and knees over Alex as to spare him the heaviness. Alex couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel to be pressed into the mattress by Amos’ full, Earth-grav weight and a small flicker of anxiety fizzled through him. But that was secondary. What mattered was Amos’ mouth on his neck, one hand holding the collar out of the way. For a moment the metal pressed against Alex’s throat, making his pulse ring in his ears and then Amos moved further down, releasing him. Alex had time to think that it was wrong, that he should be the one doing that, before Amos’ tongue licked a hot trail up his cock.

The last time they’d done _this_ Alex had been scared and hurting and unwil… And nothing. He couldn’t think about that now. He needed to focus, focus on the bedspread beneath them, focus on the sight of Amos’ head bobbing up and down, on his mouth that was _so_ good and Alex’s body didn’t care about his mind’s quiet panic so he focused on that. The slick sliding. Amos’ mouth on his cock, on his balls, sometimes slipping a little lower in a teasing lick. Warmth suffused Alex’s entire body, chasing away the cold panic. The fear was almost gone when Amos pulled off, oblivious to Alex’s inner struggle.

“Tell me what you want, Alex.” His hand was sliding over the inside of Alex’s thigh.

“You know.” He groaned. He didn’t want to say it. That as much as everything had been the reason he hadn’t asked Amos for it the last night on the _Roci_.

“Say it.” His hand slid further up, thumb stroking just behind Alex’s balls, making his whole body cry out.

“Fuck me.” Alex ground out, hiding his eyes behind one heavy elbow. His answer was a kiss against his thigh, the sound of a cap opening and then a cool finger, circling, rubbing, then pushing. Alex had found that so difficult the first time, but his body had learnt and let it enter in a smooth slide.

“Good.” Amos whispered against Alex’s inner thigh, and that was good too, because if Alex had still been in his mouth he might have blown when Amos’ finger rubbed over his prostate in a flash of heat. As it was he moaned, louder than he wanted to. He clenched around Amos when he took too long, earning a chuckle and another finger until Alex could feel his cock leaking, smearing his stomach when it bounced.

“Amos, do it.” Amos only answered by mouthing the side of Alex’s cock, making him arch his back despite the grav. He felt so open. “Please, I want it, I’m fine, I need it, Amos…” He would be embarrassed by this later, right now all that mattered was having Amos inside him as soon as he could.

“Damn, Alex.” Amos murmured, leaning up to kiss him. His lips were slick and hot and the thought of them having been around Alex’s cock just moments before was maddening.

“I want...” He wanted the gravity, Amos’ weight, being pushed down and pushed into, but there wasn’t enough blood in his brain or breath in his lungs to articulate it. Perhaps Amos understood. He withdrew his fingers, dragging them against Alex’s insides on the way out as if determined to drive him insane.

Amos broke the kiss, turned his head to find the lube, but Alex patience snapped; he turned Amos face to him with a hand on his cheek as he slid his legs around him, pulling him in until his cock ground up behind Alex’s spit-slicked balls. Amos hissed and leaned his forehead against Alex’s. His hips twitched. Alex slipped his arm around Amos’ shoulders, the other one reaching down, taking Amos’ erection in a firm grip and lining it up. It was hot and dry, but Alex was open and ready.

“Do it.” He whispered. He could feel a shiver run down Amos, ending in an aborted thrust.

“Not a good idea.” Amos’ voice wasn’t entirely steady, his eyes squeezed shut.

“I wanna feel you.” Wanted the friction. The burn. Amos lifted his head. He looked like sex personified, flushed with blown pupils, lips puffy and wet. “Please.” Alex canted his hips up, felt Amos respond in kind, beginning to breach him, giving in.

“You will tell me if...” He began, before Alex put all his strength into pulling him inside. Amos’ hips snapped forward and it burned, but not enough to distract from the need for more. “Alex...” It could have been admonishment but it didn’t feel like it, not when Amos gasped it against Alex’s mouth, his hips moving in small, shallow thrusts. He was heavy against Alex’s chest, making the joints of his hips ache, making the air leave him in gasps. Every slide was tinged with pain, mingling with the pleasure to create a high Alex could never get enough of. There was no need to focus on his breathing, no need to try to break down reality into its component parts. He just needed to relax into the moment, just needed to hang on and feel. Amos was making sounds too, tiny, uncontrolled gasps that punctuated every snap of his hips. Alex ran his hands over Amos’ back, up over his neck, fingers dragging through his short hair. Their lips were touching in an uncoordinated, open barely-kiss that Amos broke, straightening and pushing Alex’s legs up against his chest, driving in to him again, deeper and Alex was so close, so close.

Amos beat him to it, feeling as if he was Alex’s very centre, filling him up before he slumped, letting Alex’s legs fall to each side of him. For a few moments Alex bore his full weight and could barely breathe. His head buzzed and his body thrummed with unfulfilled want, his cock crushed under Amos, so hard it hurt.

“Alex...?” Amos raised himself up, and oxygen flooded back in a rush to Alex’s brain.

“Yesss...” He wasn’t sure he’d managed to make a sound. Amos smoothed a hand over his cheek, pushing his tongue into his mouth, teeth catching Alex’s lips. He was still inside, hips moving in lazy thrusts and when he grabbed Alex’s cock it took only a few, devastating strokes for Alex to come hard enough that his vision blanked out.

Distantly he felt Amos pull out and roll over on his side, one hand loosely under Alex’s neck. Alex’s mind was completely quiet and blissed-out, his body aching in the most rewarding way and he wanted only to stay in this moment forever.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Mmmhm.” Alex wasn’t up to forming words just yet. Amos tilted Alex’s head towards him and he went limply.

“Alex. Look at me.” Amos’ face was flushed and gleaming with sweat where it hovered over Alex. Amos watched him for a few, long seconds and Alex looked back in empty satisfaction. Finally Amos let his head fall to the pillow, his fingers stroking Alex’s cheek. “You’re doing well, brother.” Alex turned his head to follow him, watched him under heavy eyelids.

“Thank you.” A shudder went through Amos, though it didn’t show on his face.

 

They got ready for bed in silence. Only one bed again, and this one smaller. Narrow enough to invite one to curl close together. The warm feeling still glowed in Alex’s chest and he was surprised to find that he wasn’t as unsettled, or even embarrassed by what had happened as he usually was. Nor was his skin crawling with remembered touches, but tingling, asking him to reach out and touch. He stayed still. The room smelled like sweat and sex. A little bit of post-coital cuddling was one thing, just curling up to Amos felt like another entirely. Might lead to questions that he didn’t want to answer.

 

He woke up spooning Amos, his arm awkwardly slung around his chest. Amos didn’t comment. He didn’t move either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terms specific for this fic:  
> EMSO - Earth-Mars Sponsor Office  
> MX - Martian Expatriate (colloquial)
> 
> One more chapter remaining, hang in there...
> 
>  
> 
> [Ruelle - War of Hearts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49ZhrgtR-S4)


	4. Collared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thank you, all you wonderful people who've read all this way. ;) I'm so sorry for the lateness! I wanted to get this up earlier but I've had a lot in real life and I really didn't want to rush the _very last_ chapter. D:
> 
> All I'm going off in my depiction of Holden's parents and their home is that one episode where Avasarala visited, so I'm taking a lot of liberties here...

Going to Montana took much longer than the previous trips. When they were finally on the last leg, another tiny driverless pod, Alex’s body was protesting the hours sitting still in the high grav. He shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position until Amos pulled his head down on his lap. Alex followed silently, relaxing under Amos’ hand, glancing up at him. He was looking out the window, his hand coming to a rest on Alex’s shoulder. They’d spent the journey in comfortable silence, largely due to the public setting, barely speaking all day, just in brief exchanges and touches. Alex wondered if Amos had gotten more tactile. He was petting Alex’s shoulder now, but he’d always done that. Hadn’t he? Alex closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch.

The pod stopped. Alex pushed himself up with a sense of loss as Amos’ hand slipped off his shoulder. They were on a street not dissimilar to any street they’d been on before. The houses were less tall, a little more sparse and there were trees growing in-between them with tiny green leaves on the branches.

“Guys!” He turned and saw Holden, dressed in a checkered button-up shirt and looking more Earthen than ever. Alex was glad to see him, but there were people about so he just waited with his chin lowered a few degrees as Holden came towards them.

“You good?” Amos asked by way of greeting. Holden gave him a half-hug and Alex a clap on the shoulder, all with a wide smile.

“Yeah. It’s a bit complicated, but good.” His smile dimmed by a degree though. “Sorry to say it’s a bit of a walk, the four-wheeler crapped out. Naomi and father John are fixing it, but…” But right now it was broken. Alex sighed.

“I’ll manage.” He said quietly.

“And one more thing.” He took a step closer, lowered his voice. “I don’t want you to do the sponsor thing in front of them. They don’t approve of it.” Alex supposed not all Earthers did. Only most. “Just act like you do on the ship. Or, you know, act normal.”

“Sure thing.” Amos reply came the tiniest bit late. Alex glanced at him. He thought there was a hint of a frown on his face. Holden didn’t seem to notice, he just turned led the way.

The street ended in a gate. Holden unlocked it and led them through.

On the other side it was different. Just really different. The road changed to a groove in the soil. Trees, larger and older than any Alex had ever seen, stood in groups and the ground was covered in young grass and small, yellow flowers. Alex had to stop his eyes from following the landscape onwards and upwards toward the overcast sky. He noticed Amos staring, same as him, while Holden locked the gate behind them.

It reminded him of simulations, vids and images he’d watched: Mars as it would one day be. Except real.

“It’s wonderful.” It didn’t begin to cover it.

“Yeah.” There was pride in Holden’s voice. “Not many places like it left, they’re all paved over.” Mars would never let that stand. Would never _had_ let it stand. He supposed it was up to Earth now, and that thought hurt. They would never understand and never prioritise the terraforming effort. Never let Mars truly live.

Though it looked lovely, the road was uneven and the ground inclining. It didn’t take long for Alex to stop admiring the flowers by the roadside and turn his focus on forcing his lungs to supply to his legs. Holden and Amos walked on either side of him, not even winded, damn Earthers. He held Amos’ arm, then leaned on his shoulder and as they neared the house he was dividing his weight between them, Holden too tall and way too close along his side. Alex glanced up and could see two figures working on a small vehicle. When they got closer he recognised Naomi, sitting on a stool next to a rotund, grey-haired man. She called out when she saw them.

“Amos, Alex, I’m so glad to see you!” Her eyes were hidden behind sunglasses but her smile was bright. The older man lent her a hand to rise, but she seemed steadier than Alex on the uneven ground. She patted Amos’ cheek and gave Alex a brief hug.

“Good to see you too, darling.” Alex managed a tired smile.

“I’m not your darling.” She said with a laugh.

“Hello there.” The older man spoke up with a wide smile. “I’m John, happy to meet you. Jimmy’s told us a lot about you.” He shook first Amos’ and then Alex’s hand and it felt weird, a stranger looking him in the eye like that and taking his hand. He suppressed the impulse to back up and stand a half-step behind Amos.

The house was downright historical and seemed to be made entirely of wood. Alex would have been more impressed by it if he wasn’t so tired; as it was he cursed every step of the short stair to the front door that Holden and Amos dragged him up. Seeing Naomi support herself on John made him feel slightly better. Inside they were met by a short woman.

“Welcome, I’m Elise.” She beamed at them. “We thought you might like to catch your breath for a bit before meeting all of us, so it’s just me and John here right now.”

“That’s very kind.” Alex replied. Amos let him go to take off his jacket.

“Yes, dear Naomi is also bothered by the gravity.” She gave Naomi a motherly smile. “Are you from Ceres too?” Alex paused with his hands on his zipper. Didn’t glance at Holden. Didn’t ask why his parents thought Alex was a Belter. He couldn’t exactly hide it.

“No, ma’am.” Her smile faded and her eyes fell to his collar as it came into view. It was very hard to keep his head up. He felt Amos shift behind him, moving a little closer.

“I’m so sorry.” She said finally. “It’s a crime, what they’re doing to you.” To hear another person say it, when so many seemed to just accept it as the new order, stirred the emotions Alex had tried to suppress: the anger, the betrayal, the feeling of unfairness and the sense of loss and grief. It was painful.

“We don’t approve of it. Not a bit.” John spoke up angrily. “These damned politicians should be ashamed of themselves. But you’re okay on Jimmy’s ship, right?” His expression was honest concern.

“Yeah. I’ve been lucky.” He focused on that. Pushed down the darker emotions. They were not useful, wouldn’t change anything. He was lucky; few people would do what Amos, Naomi and Holden had done. McDowell would have jumped at the chance for cheaper labour if they’d still been on the _Cant_.

“Oh, we’ve forgotten our manners, please come sit down.” Amos hovered near Alex’s elbow. He’d barely said a word. Had only touched Alex to take his jacket, and the distance felt strange. Alex sat down next to him on a sofa which might have been real leather. Not too close, just so that he was within Amos’ reach. If they had been doing the ‘sponsor thing’. Which they weren’t.

Amos stayed quiet while they drank coffee and ate small sandwiches with fresh vegetables. But there wasn’t a lack of conversation. It was clear that Holden’s parents were very happy to see their son, their eyes drawn to him, Elise’s especially. After a while she got up and brought cake and the rest of the family. Perhaps forewarned, they did their best to greet Alex as if they couldn’t see the collar, with varying degrees of success. He caught their eyes straying, feeling increasingly self-conscious. He’d used to be good with people, used to like it, but maybe he’d changed, because it felt like more and more effort was required to look them in the eye. He found himself wishing he could just turn his face against Amos’ shoulder and be the empty-eyed trinket for a while.

“So, Amos, you have family here on Earth?” One of the fathers, Alex was forgetting which one, asked.

“Nope.” It was as much as he’d said all evening.

“That’s a shame, it was such a treat to hear that Jimmy was coming, and to meet dear Naomi. And you too of course. Jimmy calls you one big family.” Alex found himself wondering about the frame of reference, about what exactly it meant to be part of a family co-op and if they thought the crew was doing the same thing. Maybe they were. Maybe it just meant being a family. Though he doubted they were having a baby together anytime soon.

“Yeah, we’ve been through a lot together.” Holden didn’t deny it and his voice was fond.

 

There was dinner, which was delicious and Alex savoured eating something home-made. They used different spices than he liked to use, but there was a sauce made with cream and butter from real milk that he could have just drunk from a glass. Amos opened up a little more, and Alex found himself trying to gauge his mood. He sounded perfectly normal, amicable even, he just didn't speak as much as normally. Maybe the gravity was affecting him too. Naomi was laughing but she slumped a bit in her seat. It’d be time for her meds soon, twice daily. Alex had begun to notice how winded he got in the morning before his injections.

They were finally showed to their room by Holden and Elise, up a stair that Alex managed with only two breaks to catch his breath. Holden and Naomi apparently slept on the bottom floor. They got one room but two beds, and Elise’s apologies that they didn’t get visitors often. Alex liked locking his own door behind him, had depended on it quite a lot in these last few months, but he found he didn’t mind. Holden stayed behind as his mother left.

“You two okay?”

“Yeah.” Alex sank down on the bed closest to the door, letting Amos deal with their belongings. Holden watched him for a moment, expectant. Alex sighed. “You didn’t tell them I’m Martian.”

“They wouldn’t have understood.” He sounded apologetic. “Not without meeting you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Holden didn’t want his parents think he used slave-labour, or worse. Alex could understand that.

“Thanks.” Holden gave him a friendly clap on the shoulder and Alex wished he wouldn’t. He was already worn out from monitoring his reactions downstairs. “Amos, you’ve been quiet. Everything go well in Baltimore?”

“Yeah.” Amos’ eyes turned from Alex to Holden.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“You have a big family.” He fixed Holden with a direct gaze. “They look like they love you a lot, but you’ve stayed away, same as me.” There was challenge in his tone. Holden leaned back against the door.

“Sometimes things are more complicated than love.” He looked sad and a bit guilty and Alex caught Amos’ eye and shook his head minutely. Amos dropped the subject. “Anyways, there’s a bathroom across the corridor and if there’s anything you need just ask anyone.” Holden’s tone grew a bit warmer. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Night, hoss.” Alex said to the closing door.

 

Lying in his narrow bed he couldn’t sleep. The room was dark enough that everything was faint outlines, and he found his eyes straying to Amos’ shape in the other bed. He couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not. Memories and half-formed thoughts ran through his mind. Amos’ back was turned and his bed looked a bit wider than Alex’s. Dangerous thoughts; sharing a bed for the act was one thing. Holden’s parents didn’t approve of sponsorship. Sighing Alex turned to face the other direction and eventually fell asleep.

 

He woke gasping, trying to push away the dark _shape_ that was pressing him against the mattress with clawed hands and bleeding face, drowning him. There was nothing. Just the cover, the collar against his neck and Earth’s unforgiving pull.

“You okay?” It took Alex a moment to find the breath to reply.

“Fine.” He thought he could see a glint of light reflected off Amos’ open eyes. Tried to get his breathing under control. Amos didn’t move. Alex still felt the nightmare-hands claw their way down his body, searching, tearing, _taking_. Abruptly he swung his legs over the side of the bed, sitting up quickly enough to make his vision turn black. He lowered his head to his knees. It wasn’t any better.

“Alex?” And Amos was only wondering if he was okay, but his whisper was like a beacon in the dark and Alex followed it.

“Can I?” He breathed, sitting down on the edge of Amos’ bed. He couldn’t be alone, not in that bed by the door without a lock. Not with strangers outside. “Please, Amos.” Amos’ face was hidden by the darkness, but he moved back, lifting the cover up for Alex to slide underneath.

Pressed right up against Amos he felt safe. Some part of him felt silly for doing this as a grown man, but it was small and overshadowed by relief.

“Thank you.” He whispered, pulling the cover up. Amos shivered as Alex’s cold feet touched his and shifted to accommodate him better.

The bed wasn’t very wide. Alex ended up curled up against Amos’ front, face pressed against his shoulder, legs against his. Amos was up against the wall, halfway on his back, his arm under Alex’s neck.

“Should have known you were a cuddler.” He didn’t sound unhappy. Alex let his arm slide around Amos, solid and warm. It was hot under the covers; the kind of heat which turns one’s muscles soft and makes one’s eyelids heavy. Alex pressed a sleepy kiss to Amos’ collarbone through his shirt. The cold hands were gone. Amos’ breath ghosted over his forehead.

 

In the morning Amos’s back was turned, but his head crushed Alex’s arm and his hand was wrapped loosely around Alex’s wrist. Alex watched him for a sleep-addled moment. He wanted dearly to go back to sleep, but he _really_ should get back to his own bed, couldn’t know if anyone might open the door. Amos stirred as soon as he moved, stiffening for an instant before turning his head. He squinted at Alex before throwing an arm around him and closing his eyes. Pinned, Alex couldn’t do much.

“I can’t stay here.”

“Then why did you come?” Amos’ voice was muffled against Alex’s shoulder.

“I… You know why.” Amos sighed in a puff of air over Alex’s neck, moving closer.

“Stay.”

It was hot under the covers, making their pressed-together skin damp with sweat. The way they lay Alex could feel Amos’ hard-on hot against his thigh, but Amos didn’t seem inclined to act on it. They couldn’t anyway. Not here, with that thin door. Though Amos was usually very quiet and maybe Alex could just…

“Morning guys, breakfast’s ready in five!” Holden’s voice through the closed door made Alex jump and Amos’ arm tighten.

“Thanks, cap!” He sounded much more awake than a few minutes ago. His hand slid up to Alex’s neck as Holden’s footsteps got further away. His eyes were open now, fastened to Alex’s. “Can you hold up today?”

“Yeah.” Alex wasn’t sure why he asked. It was just them and Holden’s family. No one who would look at him like a traitor or a thing.

“Stick close to me.” Amos’ hand was warm on his neck and Alex would have done so either way.

 

They ate breakfast together, a delicious spread on a big enough table to seat them all. Amos put himself between Alex and the parents, forgoing a seat next to Naomi.

Afterward John took Naomi and Amos to finish up their four-wheeler and Alex watched, sitting on the grass in a patch of shadow. He was looking at the sky more than them in all honesty. He liked watching Amos and Naomi work on his baby, but not so much on this ancient-looking thing. And the sky was bright blue and covered in round little clouds, slowly moving and changing. If he sat still and didn’t move his head it didn’t make him nauseous. It was really nice, but it would be nicer to go through the clouds and back to the _Roci_. He wondered what those bastards up there were doing to her. They’d have to go over every centimetre of her when they got back, looking for sabotage or spyware.

His eyes slipped back to Amos. He seemed happy, working with Naomi. A bit more relaxed. It was warmer today and he was wearing only a sleeveless shirt, the muscles of his arms playing under his skin as he lifted out part of the engine, the fabric drawing tight over his back as he put it down. When he straightened he met Alex’s gaze straight through his sunglasses and Alex swore he knew he was watching. He turned his eyes back to the sky.

When they were done John thanked Amos and Naomi, complimenting them on their skill. Alex supposed that the _Cant_ must have been good practice for all kinds of old, broken things. They went inside, where Holden was sitting on the sofa with a few other parents, watching a news broadcast.

“The EMSO has issued an official statement on the murder of Amanda Westersmith.” A woman’s smiling face appeared on the screen and Alex froze. It was the sponsor they had met on the way back from the sea. “Westersmith was killed the day before yesterday by the RME she was sponsoring in an improvised attack which raises the question: how safe is it to invite them into our homes?” The image changed, showing a representative from the EMSO.

“It is a regrettable incident, but the EMSO sponsor guidelines are quite clear. We provide our sponsors with all the tools available to control their RMEs. We encourage them to come to us with any disciplinary problems.” There was so much horror underlying those clinical words. “The investigation is not yet complete and we await the results, but we maintain that there’s no reason anyone should feel unsafe. If you have concerns about your RME, restrict their access, follow the guidelines and always feel free to contact your EMSO office.” The newscaster returned.

“Westersmith’s RME has been detained by police. They are as of yet unwilling to speculate whether mental illness, collar malfunction or just a personal vendetta towards her sponsor may have motivated the cold-blooded deed.” They showed a clip. Alex recognized Mia, grabbing what looked like a table knife and stabbing her sponsor with it, blood staining their clothes as she flailed and fell. Then Mia collapsing as the collar triggered, landing half on top of the sponsor, twitching unnaturally, and Alex had to divert his gaze because he knew just how that felt.

“God, what are they doing to her?” One of the mothers, Angela, murmured.

“The collar works like a taser. It can be triggered by the sponsor, the police, the military…” Holden’s voice was dark. The newscaster kept talking in the background.

“That’s barbaric.”

“Hey.” Naomi touched Alex’s arm, making him startle. He managed to give her a small ‘I’m fine’-smile but she still looked concerned. He could feel Amos’ presence close behind him.

“I hope Jimmy doesn’t do that to you, son.” John’s voice was light at the surface, but underneath there was a warning note. He gave Holden a look.

“I don’t.” Holden replied. He didn’t point out that he couldn’t. Didn’t point out that he wasn’t Alex’s sponsor. And maybe they knew that, or maybe Holden wanted to keep them in the dark for whatever reason. It was between him and his parents. Not Alex’s business. But apparently it was Amos’.

“He can’t, he’s not his sponsor.” There was something possessive in his voice, sending a shiver down Alex’s spine. Holden gave him a look. Amos was standing too close to Alex, but Naomi was too, so perhaps they wouldn’t think it was weird. He shifted a little bit anyway.

“I thought the captain usually sponsored his crew.” Father Tom said slowly.

“We chose to do it differently.” Holden’s tone was a bit defensive. Angela was eyeing Amos warily.

“’We’? Shouldn’t it be Alex’s choice?” Tom continued.

“It is.” Alex said. He might not have expressly told Holden or Naomi, but he had said it to Amos, and he meant it.

“And what’s Jimmy done that you don’t want him?” Angela sounded almost offended. Caught off guard, Alex fumbled for words. He didn’t have an answer he could give Holden’s mother. Holden saved him.

“Amos is a more convincing sponsor, that’s all.” Alex nodded his assent.

“Not too convincing I hope.” John’s tone was light again, elbowing Amos in the side. The mood seemed to lighten and Alex drew a sigh of relief.

 

Alex helped cook that evening, making a fragrant pie with lentils, carrots and cheese whose recipe Elise made him promise to keep secret. The way Holden’s parents acted it was like they were part of the family, and it was both heart-warming and a little unsettling. Holden had apparently talked about the crew, but he hadn’t talked much about his parents. Alex supposed it had to do with whatever made Holden look so sad when he thought no one saw.

“That’s the hard work done, I’ll just chop up a salad and you can go sit down, Alex. Thank you for your help.” She gave him a motherly smile that he couldn’t help returning.

“My pleasure, ma’am.” He said in his most charming tone.

“I’m telling you, it’s ‘Elise’.” She said, swatting his arm lightly. “Sorry, I shouldn’t do that.” She said sheepishly. Amos had been sitting at the kitchen table and making teasing comments, but now his expression turned dark, hopefully unnoticed by its recipient.

“It’s fine, Elise.” Alex flashed his best ‘I’m fine, seriously’-smile at her, and Amos too for good measure. He wasn’t traumatised enough that he couldn’t tell the difference between a friendly swat and someone actually wanting to hurt him.

 

The large leather sofas were empty and Alex sat down with a sigh, only Tom’s presence in the room preventing him from sagging against Amos. He was handling the grav better, but it wasn’t until he sat down he realised how much his joints ached. He wondered briefly if Amos and Holden felt the same and if Naomi had it worse and how the hell she dealt with it.

“Alex?” Tom spoke up from behind them. “I was wondering if I could have a word with you?”

“Sure, hoss.” Tom gave Amos an expectant look. Alex would have told him that whatever he wanted to say he could say it in front of Amos, but he thought it would be too suspicious. Didn’t want to let Holden down.

“I’ll leave you two to it, then.” Amos’ voice was light, but his eyes caught Alex’s in concern or maybe warning. Tom took his place.

“I wanted to talk to you about your legal status.” Alex had to suppress a bitter chuckle.

“I don’t have one. No legal autonomy.” Tom gave him a somewhat pained smile.

“But you have rights. If you are being treated poorly…”

“What makes you think that?” The words were perhaps a bit too quick, a bit too defensive. Alex hoped Tom didn’t notice.

“I don’t.” His face was open and friendly. “Just _if_ you were, it is possible to be transferred to a different sponsor. There’s even been cases where RMEs have been sent back to Mars.” Alex wondered what kind of state they would have to be in to be sent back. One where no sponsor would have them, no doubt. He wondered if Tom had ever met another MX; this sounded like something he’d read.

“Thank you, but I don’t want to go back.” He said, carefully. “I’m happy on the _Rocinante_.” Tom sighed.

“Are you sure?” He put a fatherly hand on Alex’s shoulder, a heavy pressure almost touching his collar that made Alex’s skin crawl, just a little. He tried to act normal, tried to stiffen as one would when touched by a stranger, but all the tension stayed on the inside, twisting in his guts. “Because I’ve seen you go quiet like that before, and I may not know you but that doesn’t seem quite normal.” Alex wanted to shake his hand off, but that would require a force of will that he needed to keep his expression from slipping.

“I’ve never been big on touching.” That was just a lie and Alex wasn’t sure Tom bought it. He didn’t remove his hand.

“If you want my help, anytime, just ask. Even if it is Jimmy who’s giving you problems, I’ll help.” He gave Alex’s shoulder a squeeze before rising. As he got to the doorway Amos stepped out right in front of him, staring him down. Tom paused for a silent moment before stepping around him. Amos sat down right next to Alex, who shifted just a little bit closer.

“I couldn’t hear what he said.” He said in an undertone, eyes searching Alex’s face.

“He’s suspicious. Talked about getting me ‘help’ to transfer to a different sponsor, or back to Mars.” Amos’ brows drew down. Alex would have told him about the touching, but he couldn’t put it into words without sounding completely dysfunctional.

“Anything else?” Amos’ voice was quiet and careful. “Alex?”

“He’s noticed I’m not reacting… ‘normally’ he said. With the touching.” It was hard to say.

“Yeah… That’s less than ideal.” Alex felt like a failure. He’d put so much effort into acting like a docile slave that he’d forgotten how to be normal. Amos brushed his fingers over the back of Alex’s hand, hidden by the backrest. “You’re doing well.” His voice was sincere. “You’ve adapted. Not your fault that the circumstances changed. We’re not gonna be here forever.” Alex wanted to melt into his touch, wanted to close the distance with an intensity that could have been alarming. He stayed still, letting Amos run his fingers over his hand until Holden came by and told them dinner was ready.

 

The sky was clear and Alex could see a half-shadowed moon and the tiny pinpricks of stars against the darkness. There were so few of them visible, choked out by the lights in the atmosphere, far from the all-encompassing sparkling eternity of true space.

“You can understand why they left.” Naomi sat on the porch next to him. “Looking up and seeing something they couldn’t touch.” Amos, on her other side, looked somewhat less impressed. But he was there.

“Something they couldn’t own.” Alex amended.

“Some things they still can’t own.” Alex felt like the things not controlled by Earth were growing fewer and fewer.

 

That night Alex lingered in the bathroom for a moment. He didn’t want to sleep alone. But it was plain that Amos was used to it, the way he sprawled, and Alex was an adult and shouldn’t have a problem. He had been enough of an inconvenience.

When he entered the room Amos was putting Alex’s pillow on his own bed.

“You sleep against the wall.” A little surprised but grateful, Alex got under the cover, moving as far in as he could. When Amos lay down beside him Alex was snugly contained between him and the wall. Amos faced him, watching. Alex wondered if it was his own want he saw reflected in Amos’ eyes.

“We could…” Could what? Nothing much with the thin walls and an unlocked door. Amos shook his head, but his tongue darted out to wet his lips.

“We can’t.” The whole situations was ridiculously reminiscent of Alex’s youth and the girlfriend he’d sometimes brought to his parent’s home. Right down to the heat simmering under his skin. He wanted so badly to reach out.

“Amos…” Amos closed his eyes for just a second.

“Tell me what you want, Alex.” His voice had gone a little darker.

“Just wanna touch you.” Amos’ hand found his in the darkness under the covers. Took it and slid it under his shirt, up to right over his heart. He didn’t release his wrist and Alex didn’t move his hand, just held it pressed to Amos’ skin until he could feel his heartbeat. “Close your eyes.” Following Amos’ instructions was second nature now, needing no hesitation or thought.

Without sight, the air between them was heavy and Amos’ heartbeat a physical vibration up Alex’s arm. He kept his hand still when Amos released it, sliding his hand up Alex’s arm in a light touch that made his hair rise. A pause, then the next touch along the edge of his jaw, tickling through his beard. Then along the rim of his ear, the side of his neck, over his cheek and Alex was full on shivering now. When Amos’ fingers disappeared, his skin prickled as if trying to predict where the next touch would land. He wished he was naked and on top of the covers. Wished they were alone on the _Roci_. Wished they could just- _Oh_. Amos’ fingers drew a ghostly circle around his neck and Alex’s cock twitched eagerly. Amos’ skin was damp under his palm. When the fingers trailed over his mouth he caught them between his lips, as softly as he could and they stilled. Amos let him take them in his mouth and as he licked and sucked the beat under his hand sped up. Alex wished he could have Amos’ cock instead but his mouth was too busy to ask. Amos’ fingers were thrusting slowly against his tongue and Alex’s cock was begging to be touched. Amos withdrew abruptly, smearing Alex’s lips with saliva.

“Enough.” His voice was low and soft and Alex’s eyelids fluttered before he remembered to keep them closed. Amos’ fingers were still wet when they pulled Alex’s hand away. Alex heard him swallow. “We can continue later. Back on the _Roci_.” He nodded in reply. Amos hadn’t let go of his hand, his thumb stroking a restless pattern into his skin. It took Alex a long time to wind down enough for sleep. Amos’ thumb kept moving.

 

He woke with his head on Amos’ chest, leg thrown over his and erection straining against his hip. Amos was still but his eyes were open. Alex withdrew regretfully.

“If Tom wants to talk to you again, say no.” He sounded fully awake. Alex sighed.

“Holden don’t want us to act suspicious.”

“He’s already suspicious, talking to him can only confirm it.” It was too early and Alex was tired and frustrated. He aimed for a sharp retort, but it turned into a quiet question.

“I’m doing fine. Aren’t I?” Amos turned his head to look at him. There was something almost like regret in his eyes.

“You are. Until someone touches you and you go still. I don’t think most of them notice, but Tom does for sure.” Still. Quiet. Alex remembered the image from that bar on Icarus, his vacant expression in Amos’ grip.

“I won’t talk to him.” No one needed that.

“Good.” Amos rose with an ease that Alex envied. Just standing made his heart pound before he’d had the meds. He stayed in bed a little longer; Amos could have the bathroom first. He opened his eyes to a tap on his chin.

“Lift.” Amos was holding the injectors and Alex tilted his head to give him access to his neck. The small prick against his skin was a relief.

“Thanks.” Amos frowned and smoothed his thumb over the spot he’d injected.

“We’ll be back on the _Roci_ soon.” Alex was sure Amos doubted Avasarala as much as he, but it felt nice to hear. Amos’ hand slid to its place at the back of his neck.

 

Tom didn’t even give him a strange look at breakfast and afterwards Holden took them out to tour the farm. Naomi hadn’t gone either with the four-wheeler broken and it only took two. Alex, in the role of pilot, got to drive it, despite his protests that he didn’t know how and this seemed _very_ different from a ship.

It was. The ground was uneven and it listed from side to side making his head spin. Naomi had to hold on to him to keep balance and that only made him edgier. He was very happy that he didn’t need to drive faster than Amos and Holden could walk, because he wouldn’t have managed. When they stopped under a group of trees he leaned heavily on the handlebars. Naomi muttered something miserable in creole against his back, her sunglasses digging into the back of his neck.

“I take offence.” He muttered back.

“If you drove like that on the _Roci_ we’d space you within an hour.” She groaned.

“It’s smoother when you go a bit faster.” Holden’s smug grin wasn’t helpful at all.

Alex had to admit the trees were very pretty close up, though. There was a bunch of them surrounding a big one, its branches spreading like a dome over them, its trunk thick enough that the four of them weren’t enough to reach around it. It was already darker under it and when the leaves were fully grown it must be deep shadow here. Alex wondered how old it would have to be to reach that size.

They moved on. Saw the ordered fields that didn’t look that different from any ag-dome, but somehow felt different. Pastures with big cows eating sun-grown grass. A large pond where Holden told an amusing story about learning to swim. Who the hell needed to know how to swim but an Earther? Luckily the weather was cool enough that no one suggested they’d go in. They did sit down for a while and watch the water move though. Holden and Naomi were holding hands, smiling at each other. Amos sat next to Alex, almost close enough to touch. Alex thought the pond was more to his liking than the ocean.

The sky grew darker, apparently it was going to rain, and Alex couldn’t help but glance up expectantly at the sky as they returned to the house. He wanted to see that.

 

“Hey, Amos, can I have a word?” Holden appeared in the door and Elise quickly hid the pictures she’d been showing the rest of the crew. “Alone?” Holden added. Alex realised that Tom had left the room only ten minutes ago, long enough to have a chat with Holden.

“Sure, cap.” Amos said slowly. He glanced at Alex, then at Naomi and Alex got the message: stay with her. No problem.

“Should we wait or go on?” Elise smiled conspiratorially once Holden was gone.

“No, go on, he’ll forgive us.” Naomi’s smile was equally wide and Alex eagerly scooted closer to get a better look. Holden was hugging the nose of a cow, looking hilariously adorable in his father’s too big hat. Looking at the pictures he could understand Holden’s idealistic tendencies better. He saw a happy child surrounded by the love of his parents, growing up in a place that was as close to paradise one could get. A childhood like that must teach you about the good in people. He laughed with Elise and Naomi, but in the back of his mind he was counting the minutes since Amos had left. They were taking a long time. He heard footsteps drawing near and looked up.

It wasn’t Amos. It was two men in black suits. Elise flew up from the sofa.

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?” Amos wasn’t there. Neither was Holden. The rest of his parents were out, apart from Elise and Tom. Alex lowered his eyes to the floor. Naomi shifted closer to him.

“We’re here for Amos Burton and Alex Kamal.” Alex could feel the weight of their eyes on him. They had to be police. The image of that meat-grinder man’s bloodied face flashed before his eyes. They were police or part of some sinister criminal group.

“Naomi, you’ve gotta get Amos.” He whispered. Elise’s voice grew louder.

“I’m not leaving.” She hissed back.

“You have to, he’s the only one with any-”

“Mr Kamal.” One of the men, darker voice, broader, stopped in front of him and Naomi. Alex gave her a last desperate glance before lowering his gaze again. He heard Elsie exclaim that she was getting her spouse. “You’ve moved around a lot.” Alex said nothing. “Come with us, we have a few questions.”

“I need my sponsor’s permission.” Alex said as meekly as he could. Naomi’s hand closed around his. He begged her internally to let go and get Amos.

“We’re getting your sponsor too. Come.”

“You can’t tell him where to go.” Naomi’s voice was stone.

“And who are you?” His voice was unimpressed.

“His crewmate.”

“Of the _Rocinante_. That makes you Naomi Nagata, correct?” If they were criminals they were well-informed. Alex’s heart sank. There had been plenty of witnesses in that bar; Amos wouldn’t stand a chance in a trial. Perhaps it was better if he didn’t come, but Alex couldn’t make himself hope for that.

“And who are you?” Naomi didn’t let any insecurity shine through, but her hand gripped Alex’s a little tighter. She was stalling.

“We are taking Mr Kamal for questioning. Keep it up and we’ll take you too.”

“No one’s taking anyone.” Never had Alex been so glad to hear Holden’s voice. Amos was right there with him, eyes finding Alex immediately, and Elise and Tom following. Together they stared the men down.

“Mr Burton. We’d like you to come with us.” The broad spoke, unfazed.

“Why’re you asking?” Amos replied.

“We’re investigating the murder of Amanda Westersmith.” Not the man from the bar. Alex breathed a sigh of relief. Her death had nothing to do with them. “I understand you witnessed her murder.”

“We saw nothing.” Amos said coldly.

“You were right behind her when it happened.” Alex felt Naomi’s hand twitch, saw Holden frown. Perhaps they should have told them, but Alex had left that up to Amos. “Your RME was watching her.” Now it was Amos’ time to frown.

“Alex, come here.” He said in a dangerously quiet tone. Alex rose, releasing Naomi’s hand. “Look at me.” Alex lifted his chin, met Amos’ hard eyes. “Is it true?” Alex swallowed. Nodded. He was very aware of Tom and Elise in the doorway, but they weren’t the more important audience right now. “You should have told me.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex breathed. “I didn’t think-” Amos struck him hard across the face, making him stumble. Alex heard several sharp intakes of breath. It wasn’t so bad, Amos had pulled it or Alex would have been on the floor. He straightened, aware of the silent men to his right. His cheek stung.

“You don’t lie to me.” There was distaste in his voice. He grabbed Alex around the jaw and shook him a little. Alex stayed limp, played the scared pet. This was an act, and he could handle an act. Amos’ next words were directed at the men. “You can ask him what he saw if you want, but I doubt it will be useful.”

“We will decide that. You will both come with us.” His partner made a small motion; freeing his hand to reach for his gun and Alex knew Amos noticed that too.

“They’re not going anywhere.” Holden reiterated.

“Would you be the captain then? James Holden? You know what, why don’t you and Miss Nagata come too if you’re so concerned.”

“Without showing some ID you’re just trespassers.” Tom spoke up. “I know the law and I won’t stand for this.” The guns came out. One pointed at Holden, the other at Amos. Maybe they could have taken them. Maybe. If the other guy had just been a little closer. As it was, someone was getting shot if they tried.

“Let’s go. Now.” The broad man dropped the pleasant voice. There was no choice.

 

There were more men outside under the dark sky. An unmarked shuttle landed in front of the house. No chance of escape. No way of knowing where they were going. The only upside was that with the new audience Amos could grip Alex’s arm in the guise of keeping him steady.

The flight went on for an indeterminable time, but it didn’t feel like they were leaving orbit at least. They got bags shoved over their heads as soon as they landed, and Alex only had time to steal a last glance at Amos before he was blinded. He wore a closed-off expression. Then there was nothing to do but to stumble between two guards until he was pushed down on a chair and his hands chained to a table. The bag was removed.

The room was concrete, tiny with cameras in every corner of the ceiling. There was a table, two chairs and a bright light overhead. Nothing more apart from the door closing behind the guards. Alex was alone. He slumped in his seat, very aware that they were watching him. His jaw ached, he could feel where Amos’ fingers had dug in. His cheek wasn’t hurting anymore, probably wouldn’t even get a mark. If Amos had known this would happen he probably would have hit him harder. Made it show.

The door opened and he startled a little. Lowered his head. A tall, slim Earther sat down in front of him.

“Mr Kamal. You are the pilot of your ship, correct?”

“My sponsor-” He began before the Earther slammed a metal rod loudly against the table, making him jump again.

“That will be your only warning. You won’t see your sponsor, or anyone else from your crew. Answer my questions and spare yourself some pain. Are you the pilot of your ship?”

“Yes.” Alex didn’t have to feign his intimidated tone. This was about Westersmith. He had nothing to hide. Apart from their involvement with Fred Johnson and Avasarala. And the death of the meat-grinder man. And his not-quite enslavement. Otherwise he just had to keep the mask and play along.

“Your sponsor’s name is Amos Burton, correct?”

“Yes.”

“How long has he been your sponsor?”

“Since the law took effect.” Alex didn’t know what he was getting at.

“You remained on the same ship, with the same crew, correct?”

“Yes.”

“You spoke to Westersmith’s RME. What did you talk about?” That wasn’t right.

“I didn’t-”

“Look at me.” He said sharply. “What did you talk about?” Alex lifted his eyes with an effort, meeting the man’s cold gaze.

“My sponsor spoke to her sponsor. We didn’t speak.” The Earther’s expression was intensely focused.

“Your sponsor spoke to Westersmith’s RME.”

“He spoke to Mrs Westersmith.” The Earther had yet to make good on his threat of violence, but Alex didn’t doubt it was coming. He was very aware of how alone he was.

“But you knew her RME.” Alex swallowed.

“No, sir. That was the first time I met her.”

“Your sponsor treats you well.” Alex blinked at the abrupt change. “You’re well fed, well clothed and the log on your collar shows the shock has barely been used.” He didn’t know they were logging that. They should have realised. “You were having a nice chat with your captain’s family when we found you. Explain this to me.”

“He’s nice to me if I behave.” Alex lowered his gaze. Resisted the urge to fiddle with the cuffs around his wrists.

“Look at me!” The Earther’s eyes were like knives. “Why does your sponsor treat you so nicely?” Alex felt his mouth give an unhappy twitch.

“He fucks me.” It was harder to say than he would have thought. “I keep him happy so he doesn’t beat me.”

“You’re in a relationship.”

“No.” Agitation made the word hard; the Earther frowned and Alex shrunk back, continuing in a quieter voice. “You don’t have a relationship with your possessions.”

“It’s non-consensual.”

“Yes.” For the act. He could say it for the act.

“When was the last time you were in contact with anyone on Mars?”

“Years ago.” Years and years, but what did it matter?

“You met Amos Burton, Naomi Nagata and James Holden while serving on the _Canterbury_. When did you decide to recruit them, during the war or after?”

“I don’t understand.” He didn’t. Didn’t know what any of this had to do with Westersmith’s death.

“You are part of a Martian terrorist cell, correct?”

“We’re not terrorists!” Alex’s voice betrayed his alarm. Martian terrorists? If they thought they were terrorists they might never let them go.

“Is Nagata and Holden part of it too, or just you and Burton?”

“None of us.” Alex shook his head. The Earther’s voice grew harder.

“Why did you decide on Amanda Westersmith? Because of her work? Her family connections?”

“I don’t know anything about that. We just happened to sit next to her, that’s all.” The interrogator slammed his rod down on the table again, centimetres from Alex’s cuffed hands and he tried to jerk them away.

“Tell the truth!”

“I am!” The interrogator rose, taking a few frustrated steps around the room. Alex stayed as still and silent as he could.

“Zheng!” He turned to one of the cameras. “Get in here.” A moment later a woman entered. She wore a white collar, but her demeanour was that of a subordinate, not a slave.

“Yes, sir?”

“He’s lying, at least about some of it. You were watching?”

“Yes, sir.” Something clicked in Alex’s brain. He would have seen it sooner if he hadn’t been thrown by the questions. The Earther’s fixed expression. Earth might have all of Mars’ technology, including the interrogators’ drugs, but they didn’t know how to use it. This woman was a teacher. A true traitor. “Mind if I give it a shot, sir?” Her voice was pleasantly calm. His was frustrated.

“Go ahead.” He stood beside her as she sat in the chair. Alex wanted to glare at her, but he didn’t dare.

“Did you sleep with Burton before he became your sponsor?” Her voice was calm and dispassionate, her eyes like target locks, and Alex didn’t hold out any hope that she would cover for him if he slipped.

“No.”

“Do you like it?”

“What?”

“Do you like sleeping with him?” She watched him fumble for words for a moment, waiting.

“I don’t get to choose.”

“I asked: do you enjoy the act?”

“I…” He could feel his cheeks heat up, knew she saw it too. Couldn’t lie. “Yes.” He whispered, lowering his gaze.

“Eyes on me. Your sponsor is kind to you most of the time, isn’t that right.”

“Yes.” ‘Most of the time’ fit their story.

“Affectionate even?” They should have talked more, planned more. It didn’t matter if they were convincing if their stories didn’t match. Sticking close to the truth was the safest bet.

“When I’m good.”

“Is he careful with you when you have sex?” That was one way to put it. “Asks if you’re okay, takes care not to hurt you?”

“Yes.”

“Always?”

“No. Not always.” It hurt a little to say that.

“Does he ask if you want it?” It was a strange question; Alex weighed his words for a second under her gaze.

“Sometimes.”

“Does he care if you do?”

“I… don’t know.” He knew that Amos cared, of course, but that wasn’t part of the act. But he did know.

“Has he ever physically forced himself on you?” For a second, the memory of _that time_ was vivid in Alex’s mind and he shoved it down violently. It hadn’t been like that.

“No.” Why had he said that? “I mean… Not really.” He was slipping. Shit.

“Explain. Eyes on me.”

“He…” He didn’t want to say it. Needed to say something to make it convincing. “It didn’t start like that.”

“Eyes on me.” Alex had to struggle to raise his eyes, only managed to get them to her collar. “Continue.” It felt like there was a rock in his throat.

“He was… Like normal. Careful.” Why the hell was he telling her this? “And then he wasn’t.” Amos’ hands digging in to his hips, holding him down. The deep bruises that had taken days to begin to fade. The guileless way he’d acted right after, making it worse.

“Eyes on me.” Alex couldn’t. “Mr Kamal, look at me.” He needed the respite to not break down. The Earther circled the table and grabbed him by the throat, forcing his head up. The Martian gave him an impassive look.

“And yet you say he’s kind. That you like it.” Alex squeezed his eyes shut to escape the sight of her. The Earther’s hand and his own memories made his heart beat frantically.

“Answer her!” His hand tightened.

“Yes.” Alex said. He did. It hadn’t really been so bad, almost nothing. It wouldn’t happen again.

“You enjoy sleeping with the man who rapes you.”

“It isn’t-” Alex cut himself off. “It’s not like that. Just ‘cause I don’t have a choice doesn’t mean it can’t be good.”

“You like him.” There was no inflection to her voice. Alex had no reply for that. “You defend him.” The Earther’s hand was slackening around his throat and Alex wanted nothing more than to tear free. “What makes him worth it?”

“Another sponsor would be worse.” The mantra slipped out.

“Did he tell you that?” Alex nodded miserably. There was a pause where the only sound was Alex’s cuffs rattling softly. He tried to suppress his trembling. “Do you love him?”

“No!” Alex stared at her; her expression didn’t change. The Earther laughed.

“Fascinating as this is, Zhang, what does it have to do with anything?” She turned to him instead.

“This is why he’s hard to read. His sponsor has manipulated him until he’s not even sure of the truth himself. As long as it’s related to his sponsor, even tangentially, you’ll have this problem.” Alex pulled free of the Earther’s grip, but the man didn’t seem to care. “He’s being raped and abused and is in denial about it.”

“That’s not true.” Alex whispered, even though this was good, this wasn’t them being declared terrorists. Her words echoed in his mind like Amos’ touches did over his skin. Manipulated. And she would know, wouldn’t she? Manipulated by sensible suggestions and affectionate touches. And wouldn’t that explain why Alex was so into him? Why Holden and Naomi were so concerned? How Alex could want him and be scared of him at the same time, and maybe it _had_ been rape and he just hadn’t allowed himself to see it?

The interrogators were still talking, but their words were just noise. There wasn’t enough air in the room and the cuffs were digging into Alex’s wrists as he tried to pull away, tried to get loose. He couldn’t take this anymore. He wanted to get back to the _Roci_. He wanted to get back to _Amos_ so he didn’t have to think anymore.

The door slammed open, startling him out of his near-panic attack. He recognised the hard-faced Earther, Avasarala’s man.

“Good afternoon. You are to release this man together with his crewmates. They are not involved in your investigation.” The other Earther clearly recognised him, by his sour grimace.

“Cotyar. Why do she care?”

“None of your business.” Alex’s cuffs clicked open and he pulled his hands to his chest.

“Come.” He didn’t move. Couldn’t. Avasarala’s man grabbed him by the arm, pulling him up and towards the door and Alex recoiled but couldn’t pull away; he was too strong. Too strong. Alex stopped fighting.

They got the others. Alex didn’t look up. Got on another shuttle. Alex didn’t speak. No one questioned it, not with an outsider there. They were taken to Avasarala again and she and Holden had an animated conversation that he didn’t follow. Not even the mention of Mars could make him retain it. Only one thing cut through the fog.

“You are free to spend the remainder of your stay at your parents’ farm, or return to your ship, your choice.”

“Can we go back to the _Roci_?” Alex asked quietly. They heard him, judging by the silence. He didn’t look up.

“Me and Alex will go back.” Amos’ voice stirred gratefulness, fear, affection, anger, _shame_. Alex pushed it all away. Felt nothing. Stopped listening. Almost managed to stop existing for a while. A good, long while.

The juice jolted him back into awareness; the take-off was just as bad as he’d thought it would be. The Martian marine was with them and Amos sat right next to him, close enough to touch. Alex’s stomach turned.

There was no detour by Luna this time. The shuttle arrived at the hangar bay where the _Roci_ was docked and despite the numbness Alex’s heart made a little jump at seeing her. Their magboots were back at the farm, and getting to her took more effort without them. Alex had thought he would enjoy being back in 0 g.

With the airlock closed behind them he breathed. Amos handed him a pair of spare boots and they spent a silent minute putting them on. They were alone on the ship. Maybe he should be scared, but what was the point? What hadn’t they done already? His boots clicked to the floor. Amos broke the silence.

“Alex?” His voice was really careful. “You okay?” Alex thought they’d asked him that before. He managed a small nod. Amos touched his shoulder and he almost lost his grip on the floor as he recoiled.

“Don’t.” His heart was pounding, all the emotions he’d pushed down welling up. His back was up against the wall and Amos was standing a good two metres away, staring at him in surprise.

“What did they do?” His voice darkened and Alex’s hands started to shake.

“Nothing. I just…” ‘ _I just don’t know what we’re doing. I just don’t know if I can trust my memories. If I can trust my_ feelings _._ ’ “Just don’t touch me.” Something hurt was seeping into Amos’ expression and Alex couldn’t bear it. He turned and walked away as fast as he could. To his cabin with his door that he could lock behind him.

 

How do you know if you can trust your own mind? The question wouldn’t leave him alone. The interrogator had said he didn’t know what was true or not, and Alex wished he could attribute that to his acting. Actions and reactions. That had been the point: to make him not act, but _be_ the trinket. The docile slave. The plaything. But that had been the _point_ and Amos had been open about that. Amos didn’t _want_ to hurt him, he’d suggested transferring him to Holden and it was _Alex_ who had refused.

Why had he refused? He’d said it was because Holden wouldn’t be able to play the part. But the rejection had been instantaneous, the justification had come after. His first, instinctive response had been to stay with Amos, no matter what had happened. No matter if Amos had… _raped_ him.

Had he really? Did it count? Alex hadn't said no. Hadn’t struggled. He had come. Gone back for more. Was it insane of him to take the word of a stranger, even one trained to find the truth, at face value? Maybe she’d just been trying to get in his head, but how could he know? There was no one else who could tell him their version of events. They’d kept Holden and Naomi at arm’s length. There was only Amos, and if this _was_ a great manipulation Alex wouldn’t be able to trust his word.

There was another angle: why? Why would Amos do something like that? Not for the sex, he could get that anywhere. And not because he wanted to get in Alex’s pants specifically, that was just ridiculous. For the power? But Amos seemed more troubled than enticed by that aspect. Right? Or was that just in Alex’s mind? No, surely it wasn’t. Amos liked… He liked…

Despite having spent so much time focusing on pleasing him Alex’s mind was blank. He knew what Amos liked Alex to _do_ , but he didn’t know what Amos _liked_. Didn’t know if he really liked sleeping with Alex, or if he felt it was a duty. Didn’t know if he minded sharing his bed, or if he _wanted_ to kiss him.

His mind flooded with memories, not the bad ones, not the heated ones, but the little ones. The small touches in passing. The brief glances. The way Amos would put himself between Alex and the world and make it seem like no big deal. And Alex was so fucked, because despite his existential crisis those memories made him feel warm. He tried to shove them down. Tried to focus on the anger and hurt. The doubt. He doubted _Amos’ intentions_ , not his own memories. He couldn’t just forget about it. Couldn’t just let himself-

The door chirped. Alex jerked, banging his elbow against the wall and floating off before he could catch himself.

“Alex? Can we talk?” Amos’ voice was uncertain and Alex _wanted_ to let him in. He didn’t reply. Amos knocked. Called out again. Waited. Eventually he must have left.

Alex stayed in his cabin.

 

He knew it hadn’t been a long term solution. That eventually he would need to come out. Holden and Naomi would come back and he already felt bad about leaving _Roci_ in the hangar bay of a strange ship. He just needed to get his head straight. The problem was the more he thought about it, the more things he began to question and the more he needed to think.

“I brought you some food.” Amos was standing in the open doorway and Alex should have known he would override the locks. He looked like he always did, right down to that neutral expression that Alex didn’t let himself see behind.

“I don’t want it.” He was hoarse. Wasn’t sure how long it’d been. Didn’t want to glance at the wall panel and take his eyes off Amos.

“You haven’t eaten in thirty hours.” Really? “Alex…” There was an unhappy look on Amos’ face. “Have I done something wrong?” Alex didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. His throat settled on a strangled sound that made Amos take a step into the room. Alex backed up against the wall. Amos stopped. His eyes cut into Alex’s heart.

“I’m not sure.”

“Why not?” This time the sound came out a little closer to a laugh.

“I think someone’s messed with my head.” That came out a lot more unstable than he’d meant it. “I mean… The interrogators. One of them, she said…” Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell him. That would just give him the chance to explain it away. “What do you like?” He asked instead. Amos’ expression turned confused, which was what the inane question deserved. Alex persevered. “Do you like it? The…” There were too many ways to finish that sentence. But Amos got it.

“Sex? Most of the time.” He paused, continued in a quieter voice. “I don’t like to hurt you, but sometimes I have to and sometimes… Sometimes my head isn’t on right. More than usual.”

“It’s not just sex.” Alex’s voice was a whisper. Amos frowned. “What about the rest of it?”

“I like spending time with you.” He replied earnestly. “I like talking to you.” Alex shook his head in jerky motions.

“You know what I mean.”

“I like when you let me touch you.” There was something like guilt in Amos’ demeanour, but Amos didn’t do guilt. “I want that. Want to hold you. Want to keep you for myself.” A shiver worked its way down Alex’s spine and an echo of that want flashed in his heart. “Is that what’s wrong?”

“Is that why you’re doing this?” Alex whispered. “Is that why you wanted to be my sponsor?”

“No.” Amos’ arm twitched as if to reach out. Alex moved a little further away. “That came later.”

“What do you want?” He needed to know. Amos’ expression turned pained.

“I want to keep you safe.”

“Protect me.”

“Yes. Don’t you need that?” Alex let out a breath. He did. Wished he didn’t.

“Do you remember that night? On Tycho?” _That_ night. There was definitely guilt on Amos’ face now. “Was that… Did I…”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He answered sadly. “It was all me. You couldn’t have stopped me. I wouldn’t have taken no for an answer, the way I was.” There was something in Alex that still wanted to deny it.

“I didn’t say no.” His voice was unsteady, there was too much bubbling up inside him.

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“They said I don’t know what’s true or not, ‘cause you got my head so turned around.”

“I’m not trying to mess with your head, Alex.” Alex wanted to believe him so badly. “You’re doing it yourself ‘cause it’s the only way you can cope.” It had worked. He had been coping. He had been _fine_ , except he _hadn’t_ , ‘cause apparently he was unstable enough that he didn’t know what was real anymore.

“Did you know I didn’t want it?” The words caught in his throat. Amos exhaled.

“I didn’t care right then. Just wanted to get off. And then I thought back on it and I realised-” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I never wanted to do that.” And Alex believed him. God help him but he did. Amos stood still and quiet as if waiting for sentencing and Alex moved closer. Put his arms around him in and leaned in, and slowly, hesitatingly Amos reciprocated.

“You won’t do it again.” Alex whispered. “I trust you.” He was shaking. Really shaking in painful, uncontrollable spasms that felt like they would shatter him. Amos held him tighter and it helped.

“I know what it’s like.” He whispered mournfully. “To be held down by someone bigger and stronger and not be able to get away.” He shouldn’t be able to say that so calmly. Not when Alex was a complete mess. But he would be okay. They both would.

 

He ate the food Amos had brought, sitting on Amos’ lap with Amos’ arms around him. He didn’t want to let go, and he thought Amos felt the same, the way he pressed his face against Alex’s neck. The air still felt charged, the silence fragile. Alex didn’t want to talk anymore; his mind was finally quiet. When Amos suggested they’d sleep, he gratefully agreed. Amos got his toothbrush, his brief absence making Alex feel cold, and then returned, hands brushing over Alex’s shoulders in greeting. They got in bed, tightened the straps which would keep them from drifting away without the drive and then Alex could finally curl up against Amos and feel safe.

 

Alex woke to Amos’ arms wrapped around him, Amos’ body warm and solid at his back. There was nothing pushing him down, no dark shapes, no nightmares. He felt light, mentally as well as physically. Rested. Good.

Amos shifted a little, his arms tightening.

“Amos?” Alex whispered, not wanting to wake him if he was asleep.

“Yeah.” The answer came straight away. “You usually wake earlier. Didn’t you sleep last night?”

“Not a lot.” Alex realised Amos had been lying awake just holding him, who knew how long. A small, warm ball formed in his chest. He turned in Amos grip, facing him. There was a thread of concern in Amos’ expression, something apprehensive in his eyes. Alex was struck by a wave of fondness that caught him right in the gut. He smiled. The concern on Amos’ face lessened but didn’t disappear. Amos’ hand reached up to toy with the collar, almost nervously. His eyes were scanning Alex’s face.

“This okay?” He asked quietly. Alex heard _‘Are we okay?’_

“Yeah.” Amos leaned in and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to Alex’s lips, barely there and then gone. Not enough. Alex followed, pressing first their lips together then their bodies, letting Amos feel his erection and feeling him begin to harden in turn. Amos tightened his arms and Alex didn’t care about morning breath, didn’t think Amos did either; he opened up and let him in. The hesitance vanished. Amos kissed like sex, like no one else, consuming and possessive and all Alex could do was try to keep up, try not to lose himself completely. When Amos pulled away Alex felt light-headed.

“Tell me what you want.” Amos’ voice was breathy. “Let me take care of you.” Alex wanted all of him. Everything. To feel every inch of him and commit it to memory. But there was one other thing which had been lingering in the back of his mind.

“You said… we could continue back at the _Roci_.” Last night, no, not last night, but the last night at the farm. Some of that heat had been waiting under Alex’s skin since then and now it was burning. Amos smiled.

“Close your eyes.” Alex did. Amos’ body and all the places they were touching stood out starkly in his mind. Amos’ legs were tangled with his, hooked around his ankles, one hand burning hot on the back of his neck. The hands withdrew, the straps around them dug in for a moment, then loosened and Amos withdrew from contact. Alex’s fingers twitched with the urge to reach for him.

“Be still.” The whisper came from right beside his ear and Alex shivered. “Tell me if you want to stop, otherwise be quiet. If you can.” There was a challenge there, playful but charged. Alex let Amos move him, straighten his arms and legs and then slowly pull off the tee and boxers he’d slept in, his hands like whispers over Alex’s skin. Then they disappeared, leaving him with only the darkness behind his eyelids, nothing else, not even a mattress beneath him. Floating naked and untethered. He could feel his hair standing on edge, straining to catch the faint shift of air that would tell him where Amos were.

The first touch was a feather-light tickle down his flank, making him draw an unsteady breath. He was already so hard, his cock ready and waiting since he woke up but Amos didn’t pay it any attention, instead drawing a line over his collarbone and then one up the back of his neck. Alex could hear the soft sounds of Amos moving around, feel small shifts in the air. A touch tickling the inside of his wrist, a warm thumb over his cheek and then two fingers moving down his stomach, stopping _just_ before they reached his cock. A small, unhappy sound escaped Alex and Amos shushed him, breath stirring the hair on his chest and he could _feel_ his nipples tighten. Then startling wetness and heat, as Amos’ tongue flicked over one of them and Alex bit back another sound. The wait for the next touch seemed endless, then Amos drew a single line up his throat, pushing on the tip of his chin, angling his head backwards. Pressed a kiss under the angle of Alex’s jaw and was gone before he could tilt his head to catch his mouth.

“Stay still.” There was a smile under the heat in his voice. Alex turned his head back. He could feel shivers moving through him in waves, sweat beginning to bead on his skin and he was overheating. A finger like a whisper moved from his ankle to the very top of his inner thigh and he had to bite his lip to be quiet when it withdrew. “That’s good.” Amos’ whisper came from Alex’s right and his fingers twitched with the urge to reach out. The next touch began right below his collar, sliding smoothly down his spine making him arch his back as it passed. It didn’t stop, kept going and Alex spread his legs a little more as Amos’ warm finger circled his hole, around and around. Amos pressed a soft kiss to his shoulder blade and between that and the finger suddenly Alex had a sense of where he was, making him more than a hand in the dark. A hand that was now cupping his ass, one finger still occupied with its massage. Alex could feel faint heat radiating against his side just before Amos’s fingers loosely circled his cock. He moaned and tried to move into the touch, succeeding only in making Amos withdraw his hands, leaving Alex aching in the dark.

“Is it good?” Amos breathed into his ear and it took a force of will to keep still.

“Yes…” Alex’s eyelids fluttered, wanting to open as Amos’ finger touched his bottom lip, withdrawing before he could catch it. He squeezed them closed, wished he could be blindfolded so he wouldn’t risk opening them, wished he could be tied down so he didn’t have to think about being _still_. Amos’ hand brushed over his chest, catching a nipple, pinching and rubbing it until it turned into a spot of dull heat.

“You’re doing really well, Alex.” That sent a pulse right to his cock and Alex didn’t know when he’d developed a kink for getting _praised_. “Good.” There was a smirk in Amos’ voice, making Alex’s face heat up. He would feel more self-conscious if he wasn’t so hopelessly turned on. “Tell me what you want me to do.” The words were whispered right against his lips and then gone with a small shift of air.

“Fuck me. _Take me._ ” It was what he wanted, what he _needed_. To be taken, owned, marked, _possessed_ , and oh god, he may have said some of that out loud, but Amos’ only reply was a bruising kiss. For an instant Alex could feel his body pressed against him and he reached out, instinctively, and wrapped his arms around him.

“You’re mine.” Amos breathed between kisses, one hand on Alex’s neck, the other sliding down to his ass.

“Yes.” It was the only reply and Alex vibrated with it. Amos kissed his neck, grabbing the collar and using it to angle Alex’s chin up and damn, if that wasn’t hot.

Thank god he had lube in his cabin, because it was hard enough to listen to Amos rummaging through his drawers, if he’d had to wait for him to get some from his cabin he would have crawled out of his skin. There was no draft, no pressure, no gravity, the only thing touching his skin was the collar, bumping his neck at irregular intervals. A man could go insane for less.

Amos returned as warm lips against Alex’s mouth.

“Look at you.” He whispered, giving Alex another feather-light kiss. “You’re so good, so hot.” Alex would have laughed, but his skin tingled and buzzed and Amos’ mouth was stealing his sanity. “Open your eyes.” Amos’ eyes were all pupil, dark and piercing and his expression was focused and _fond_. Alex reached out, running his hands down his back drawing a shiver from him. Alex’s fingers drank in the texture of his skin and Amos devoured his mouth, one hand sliding down to grab his ass like a promise. Alex spread his legs, circling Amos’ waist and 0 g was amazing, because there was no need to turn and shift, nothing holding them back. Amos’ cock was burning hot where it slid against his, trapped between their bodies. Amos pushed a finger into him and opened him up, slowly and thoroughly, stretching and massaging until Alex was on the verge of begging for it. He would have, if Amos’ mouth hadn’t stolen the air from his lungs. Alex had to settle for moaning wordlessly into the kiss and bucking his hips, grinding against Amos. That drew a groan from him that Alex could _feel_ down to his bones. Amos broke the kiss.

“You feeling good?” His voice was rough and breathy.

“Mmmmm… yeah.” Forming words was too much effort when Amos’ fingers were making him see stars.

“Maybe I like to hear you say it.” Amos’ tone was teasing, but there was something else in his expression. Damn it.

“You make me feel so good.” Alex breathed, and it wasn’t so hard to say. “So good. You’re so good to me, Amos. There’s no one like you.” With anyone else it would have been platitudes, but with him it was the truth. Amos smiled, looking pleased and a little surprised and goddamned beautiful, flushed and smiling.

“You ready then?”

“Yesss…” The fingers withdrew, finally, leaving Alex wide open and loose and so very empty. Amos spun them around, pressing himself flush up against Alex’s back.

“Easier like this.” He murmured but Alex’s attention was stolen by the thick, slick head of his cock nudging against him. Amos’ mouth attached itself to the side of his neck, one hand was braced over Alex’s hips, the other around his chest, holding him close, and Alex grabbed it and hung on as Amos slowly pushed upwards and inwards in a slow, torturous slide. His own cock was throbbing, the head flushed and leaking but Alex wanted to prolong this, didn’t trust that he wouldn’t come the instant he touched it and somehow it didn’t feel right to touch himself without Amos telling him to. Amos finally bottomed out with a shivery exhale that made Alex’s hair stand on edge. He felt so full.

“My Alex.” Amos whispered, squeezing him a little closer and Alex was held too tightly to move.

“Yours.” He echoed, feeling Amos’ cock give a little twitch inside him. He started moving in gentle, controlled thrusts that Alex met as well as he could. He reached up to run a hand through Amos’ short hair, down his neck, anywhere he could reach. Heat and pleasure was building in waves, and Amos was becoming a little less controlled and a little less quiet with every moment, small, hot sounds escaping him and Alex drank them up. He was right on the edge, feeling as if the smallest thing might send him over, aware of every centimetre of his body and completely disconnected from himself at the same time. Both of Amos’ hands were on his hips now, his face buried against Alex’s neck, sucking a pleasure-pain bruise into his skin. He gave a few sharp, stuttering thrusts and came with a quiet, broken moan. It was almost enough to send Alex right over the edge along him. Almost.

“Alexss… I wanna make you feel good.” He almost slurred against Alex’s neck. “What do you want? Anything. I’ll suck you off, let you fuck me, anything.” Alex shook his head, couldn’t wait, already felt perfect. He grabbed Amos’ hand and put it on his own cock and Amos grabbed him firmly, sliding his still-hard cock out and then _in_ in a quick motion and that was enough. Alex came hard enough to make his ears ring, shuddering through the white-out bliss. Amos held on to him, letting him shoot into his hand and saving Alex from awkward wall-cleaning later. The other arm held him close, pressing him to Amos’ heaving chest. Alex was still for a moment, head buzzing with contentment. Amos didn’t move either, just breathed against his shoulder, arms tight around him. The sweat was cooling on Alex’s skin and he thought he could feel a shiver running through Amos.

“Hey, Amos?” His throat felt sore, what sounds had he been making? “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Amos’ voice was small and quiet. He pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s shoulder. “Just thinking. It’s good. How about you?”

“I’m good. Really good.” He could crane his neck enough to place a kiss against Amos’ temple. Amos replied with another small peck before he withdrew, sliding out. Whatever quiet mood had come over him was gone now, hidden away or over. He grinned.

“You do realise the showers in our cabins aren’t equipped for 0 g, right?”

Damn.

 

Alex made a mental note to purge the _Roci’_ s video logs. Thoroughly. The communal showers weren’t that far away, and Alex had given Amos a firm answer to why they _should_ bother with clothes even though there was no one else on the ship. But he felt sticky and dishevelled and Amos was still flushed and smiling vaguely and Alex had to wipe away a similar grin from his own face. Amos’ arm was around his shoulders, light as a feather and Alex leaned into him. He ached in the most satisfying way and knew that Amos must have left marks on him and they would have to fix them or explain them to Holden and Naomi, but not right now. Right now he was going to have a shower.

 

“When will they be back?” Alex glanced up in time to catch Amos’ frown over his noodles.

“Today. Were you listening at all back on Earth?” Alex flushed a little when remembering how gone he’d been.

“No.” Amos sighed and put his unoccupied hand on the back of Alex’s neck, pulling him a little closer. Alex followed happily; after Earth he wanted the closeness. There was something important that nagged at him. “They log how much you shock me.”

“Shit.” Amos sounded tired. “We’ll have to get on that.” He put his chopsticks down, turned his face against Alex’s hair. “I’m not sure I’m the best person to tell you what happened. Barely understood it myself. Naomi said she’d fill us in. You okay waiting?”

“Yeah.” It didn’t feel very important now. Better focus on getting back to normal before Holden and Naomi came. They’d probably be concerned too. He put his own cutlery down. “You’ve talked to them?” He felt Amos nod.

“We upset his parents.”

“I think we did that even before those guys showed up. Was that what Holden wanted to talk to you about? Tom?”

“Yeah, he’d told Holden he was concerned for you, but apparently cap stood up for us. Told him it was necessary.”

“Really?” Alex had been so sure Holden would take his father’s side.

“Really.” Amos’ arm was around Alex’s waist now, solid and warm. “They’re worried about you though. Those UN-guys went straight for you, didn’t even get to us.” They had been UN? “They didn’t do anything else, did they?” There was a note of trepidation in the question.

“No, just talked.” That had been enough. “They thought we were terrorists, working for Mars.”

“That makes sense, I guess.” Amos caught a lock of Alex’s still-damp hair. “We should eat up and get ready, they’ll be back soon.”

“Yeah.” Alex turned his head and kissed him, seizing the opportunity while they were still alone. Amos kissed him back, softly, his fingers running through Alex’s hair and down over his cheek, toying with his beard.

“Can’t do this when they come back, we have to be more careful.” He murmured, pulling back and catching Alex’s eyes. “Not unless we can convince them it’s okay.”

“I know.” He’d like to think that was possible. Maybe it was.

 

Alex could finally trim a week’s extra length off his beard and slick back his hair so it stopped floating in his face. There was a very conspicuous bruise high on his neck and Amos took care of it. He didn’t do anything for the ones hidden by Alex’s clothes and Alex didn’t ask.

They met them at the airlock: Holden, Naomi and, to Alex’s surprise, Elise. She was looking decidedly hesitant in her magboots, but greeted them with a smile.

“How are you boys doing? We were so concerned when Jimmy and Naomi came back alone.” Alex was surprised to receive a hug, and even more surprised to see Amos get one too. He returned it after a moment’s hesitation, dwarfing Elise’s slight frame.

“We’re perfectly fine, Elise.” Alex replied.

“Jimmy told us so, but we weren’t so sure.” She gave Holden an admonishing glance. “Those people, never have I been so angry.” She looked a lot like Holden right then. “Well, I suppose we should talk of happier things. Jimmy has promised to show me your ship.”

She was a very good audience, though it was clear she couldn’t _really_ appreciate _Roci_ to the fullest. Holden glowed with pride as he showed her around and Alex was glad to see it. Glad to see Elise look at Naomi with something motherly in her eyes. Glad that she didn’t treat him and Amos any differently. She stayed for dinner and Alex made his famous lasagne, spiced up with some gifted supplies. They’d brought cheese.

“Well, it’s clear you were wasted as my kitchen assistant.” She said after they’d finished and he was gathering the plates up, though technically it was Amos’ turn.

“Nonsense, I enjoyed it.” Everything but the grav. And the Earthers. And the nightmares, and Tom’s pitying looks, and the way Amos had been quiet and on edge.

“Well then I’m happy.” Elise wasn’t privy to Alex’s internal list of reservations.

“Well, now you’ve seen everything.” Holden put a fond arm around his mother. “Anything else you’d like to do before leaving?” Alex looked away from the faint sheen that appeared over her eyes at Holden’s words.

“Well, I’d like to talk to you for a bit, but first I’d like to have a word alone with Alex.” Alex froze, back turned.

“Sure… I…” He glanced at Amos, still sitting at the table. Found no instruction in his face. “I’d like Amos to stay.” He turned his gaze back to the plates so he wouldn’t have to see their reactions.

“Of course.” There was no surprise or disapproval in Elise’s voice. For a moment the only sound was the clicks of Holden and Naomi’s retreating footsteps. “I was going to talk to the both of you anyway, might as well do it together. Come sit.” Alex took a seat next to Amos, Elise opposite them. He felt like they were on trial.

“Now, I think of you as family.” She begun, gaze firm. “’Cause it’s clear that Jimmy does, and I know my spouses share this view. And we’re concerned for you, Alex, for your situation.”

“That’s not fair on Amos.” It took some effort to speak up. “We’re doing what we need to do, you don’t know what they’re doing to sponsors who are too soft.”

“So Jimmy told us. Doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t particularly enjoyed watching him beat you.” She gave Amos a look, clearly waiting for his defence.

“It’s what they’re expecting.” Amos said sincerely, meeting her eyes. “If I could avoid it I would, but I can’t take the risk. We can’t risk showing anything to someone we don’t know.” Elise sighed.

“I realise that, and that keeps Jimmy safe as well. Tom has a harder time understanding that. He had an old friend with an abusive spouse and I think you remind him of them.” Alex didn’t think that particular likeness was very flattering. “But that’s not what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that I get it. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to stay alive. And I do think you look happy together.” Alex blinked. He was not sure what to think about that. “Just be careful, all right. And Alex, if you, no- If _either_ of you have problems, you can come to us.”

“We will.” Alex replied. He didn’t see how they could possibly help, but the offer was sweet.

“Yeah.” Amos’ voice was quiet. There was a far-away look in his eyes.

“Good. Then I’ll go talk to my son and my prospective daughter-in-law.” She gave them a clap on the shoulder as she rose.

“I’m getting flashbacks to meeting my first girlfriend’s parents.” Alex muttered, lowering his head to his hands. “Except I’m not the one getting dark looks.”

“Yeah, I’ve never done that.” Of course not, and ordinarily Alex would just let it lie and change the subject, because he was certain those statements were just the tip of the iceberg of horrors he was increasingly suspecting Amos’ childhood, and maybe most of his life had been. He was better off not knowing. Amos was obviously coping.

“Never?” Amos shook his head. “Never had a girlfriend or boyfriend?” Amos looked at him.

“I’ve had people I’ve slept with regularly?” There was something a little amused in his expression. And underneath it something else.

“There’s more to it than that. Affection. Love.”

“Yeah. It never really worked out like that for me.” Amos’ voice went quieter. “Been more like business transactions. Mutual benefits and so on. Scratching an itch.” That was just wrong, because Amos was so much more than someone to scratch an itch.

“Amos…” He had a question, but he wasn’t sure which one. _‘Were you okay with that?’_ , _‘Did they hurt you?’_ _‘Who hurt you, and_ when _?’_ What came out was: “You know I’m too old for you, right?” Amos chuckled.

“You’re far from the oldest guy I’ve been with.” Alex groaned and tried to push that image out of his head.

“I mean you deserve better.”

“So do you.” Amos replied soberly. He watched Alex, his sombre mood gone now and something that Alex could only name fondness in its place.

“I don’t want that.” ‘ _Don’t want anyone else_.’

“Good.” And there was no one else there so Amos was free put his arm around Alex’s shoulders. Even if someone would come in, that wasn’t something unusual. Maybe they didn’t usually curl up quite so close though.

 

They waved Elise goodbye and Alex hadn’t thought he would be so sad to see her go. He’d miss her, and it was plain Holden would too; he hugged her tightly enough that it was painful to watch. Then she went out the airlock and was gone.

 

Alex was back in his chair and the _Roci’_ s embrace felt like home, like he could finally breathe right. He chose a comfortable cruising burn that was almost weightlessness compared to Earth.

 

What Alex had missed had been good news, apparently. Of a sort.

But first Naomi told them what had been on that chip. In a way Alex had known it already. Saw it so clearly when she said it. The EMSO offices getting set up so quickly. The manufacture of thousands and thousands of collars and chips that should have taken weeks if not months. The detailed manual and the way that everything seemed to just slide in place like the jaws of a trap snapping shut.

Earth had planned the enslavement of the Martians from the beginning.

Why? That was harder to answer. As a way to completely suppress Mars? A way to keep Earther expatriates loyal to Earth? A diversion for the rich? Twisted revenge? Evil? Whatever the reason they’d planned it for years. There were propaganda-dramas with master-servant relationships casting Martians as better off in their servitude. Documentaries about Martian culture describing them as little more than a colony of ants, lost without firm leadership. Earth had fanned the flames of war in the minds of their population and fed them the idea that it was good for everyone involved to enslave the defeated Mars. They’d entered the war with that goal. Where Mars had fought to keep its freedom, Earth had fought to get new toys. And they’d won.

According to Avasarala the government had not been united in this plan. Not completely united, at least. That was the good news: she was against it. Not because she thought it inhumane, but because she thought it weakened Earth, invited the enemy to their bosom and gave Mars all the more reason to rebel again. She wanted to overturn the law and revert Mars to a simply a colony and the proof that was on that chip, and in Fred Johnson’s hands, might give her the edge against her peers. Might.

“She said it won’t be a quick process, that it might take months or years if it even happens at all.” If nothing came along to change her mind. She might decide they were better off in chains after all. “But she’s working on it. Isn’t that good news, Alex?”

“Yeah.” His voice sounded numb to his own ears. He felt numb. Lose the collar. Getting rid of it. Even if it took years, that was still a monumental thing. He hadn’t allowed himself to think that far into the future. Hadn’t allowed himself to think about getting rid of it at all. Now the thought towered before him, too vast to comprehend. When had the thought of his own freedom turned into something incomprehensible? He wasn’t really un-free. Hadn’t really been, not like the others. He was a slave to the outside world, but here on the _Roci_ he was… Well, to Holden and Naomi he was still the same. And Amos didn’t see him as a slave, just as his responsibility. Someone to protect even more now. Someone he needed to care for. And Alex had grown to like that. Would that change without the collar? “I didn’t think that it would come from Earth.” From Earth and the OPA. Had Mars become so weak it couldn’t even win freedom for its own people?

“Yeah, Avasarala didn’t strike me as the nice and cuddly type, but she seemed genuine.” There was a smile on Naomi’s face, speaking of relief. Alex returned it, trying to feel it.

“I don’t trust her.” Amos said quietly. Alex glanced at him but his gaze was on Naomi.

“Well, we should have hope. This doesn’t have to be forever.” She sounded sure. Maybe she was just better at hiding her doubt. Maybe she was trying to cheer them up.

“However that turns out it doesn’t affect us right now.” Alex said, effectively ending the conversation. Amos’ gaze sank to the table.

 

It took hours and hours to go over the ship for bugs, trackers and sabotage, and there was work left for tomorrow. When they finally called it a night Alex slunk over to Amos’ cabin. Amos was pacing, looked up when Alex entered.

“Hey, Amos.” Alex got close, put his arms around Amos’ shoulders. Some tension drained out of Amos and he returned the embrace, cheek scratching against Alex’s.

“Good news, right?” He murmured. Some lump of indefinable emotion formed in Alex’s stomach at the question.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He whispered, burrowing his face against Amos’ neck, breathing him in. What purpose would that serve, when it might never happen? Amos nodded, squeezing him a little tighter before beginning a trail of kisses that ended with them both naked on the bed.

 

They followed the broadcasts from Earth. Westersmith’s death was ultimately dismissed as a handling error, a too-soft sponsor overestimating her control over her MX. At least that was the official version. There was a quick mention of other such incidents, caused by similar inattention. This was followed by tips from the EMSO on training Martians, together with several products developed for that purpose. Holden turned it off as they were showing a leash with a dead-man’s grip, which automatically administered a collar-shock if let go of. Alex wished they hadn’t demonstrated it.

 

Back on Tycho, and this time they were _all_ going to see Fred. Alex might have preferred staying at the _Roci_ over the walk through the station, but he wasn’t going to complain. The Belters gave him dark looks as he passed; an Inner was an Inner and lately Earth had been asserting its control over the Belt. That was blame that could be laid at Mars’ door, for no longer being able to distract them.

Fred was in his office. There was something smug about him and Alex wondered, not for the first time, how the hell he’d managed to persuade the Mormons to let him stay.

“You’ve brought the whole crew this time. How lovely.” Amos leaned on the wall by the door and Alex stuck close to him. “Pilot’s still in one piece too I see.” Amos put an arm around Alex and Fred scoffed. Alex leaned into the touch.

“We did what you wanted, now give us what we’re owed.” Naomi’s voice was stone.

“And in doing what I asked, you not only helped me, but Mars as well. I’d think you at least would be able to appreciate that.” He said with his eyes on Naomi. She crossed her arms. “I would have told you from the beginning, but I’m not so sure you would have agreed.” A pointed look toward Amos and Alex.

“What, I should’ve let the EMSO have him?” Amos scoffed.

“We do what we have to do.” Holden said. Alex kept quiet. They couldn’t trust Fred; even if he seemed to act in Mars’ interest, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t report them just to spite them. And there was derision in Fred’s expression when he looked at Alex. He didn’t doubt that whatever Fred did was first and foremost in the interest of the OPA and himself.

“So you say. Well, here is the information I have.” He tossed a microchip on his desk. Naomi snatched it up.

“Then we’re done.” Holden turned on his heel and left.

 

Drummer was waiting for them outside, wanting a quick word about the _Roci_ and they couldn’t really refuse. She paused at the threshold to the control room.

“I’m sorry. Station policy, no Martians in here.” She gave Alex an apologetic look and he lowered his gaze, swallowing his bitterness. She had sounded different after the assault on Thoth. Amos hooked a finger under his collar, pulling him in to speak quietly into his ear.

“Want me to wait with you?” Like it was no trouble at all, and Alex felt warmed by it. He shook his head, trying to look chastised rather than glad. He could wait in the corridor. Amos’ fingers slipped away and Alex leaned back against the wall, in the shadows with a clear line of sight of the others.

He couldn’t see what they were looking at from here, so he watched the people going to and from Fred’s office just down the hall. There weren’t very many, most of them staff. He saw many OPA tattoos and got quite a few dark glances. Nothing worse though. A man and a woman swept past him and he caught a glimpse of a collar wrapped in white pearls.

“Wait here, dear.” She was wearing dark red today, but her smile was the same adoring one, her eyes on her sponsor until Fred’s door closed between them. Then they met Alex’s, sharper now. She glanced at the door, then crossed the short distance between them.

“What a pleasure to meet a countryman here.” She gave him a warm smile.

“Pleasure’s all mine.” He kept his voice as low as hers. Standing close to the wall in the shadows they could have been invisible if her beauty didn’t draw eyes.

“You look well. I must admit I was a bit concerned, your sponsor is a big man.”

“So is yours, I gather.” He nodded to Fred’s door. Her smile turned a little self-deprecating.

“He’s in charge of overseeing the construction.”

“Of the Nauvoo?” And he kept an MX? As far as Alex knew the Mormons looked down on that sort of thing.

“Yes.” Another thought struck him.

“So when it’s leaving…?” Her smile flickered, just for a second.

“That is why it’s important to be needed. If he brings me, I will be free of Earth’s laws.” Her voice was confident, but Alex didn’t think she was. His heart ached a bit for her. ‘ _And if he doesn’t…_ ’ hung unspoken between them.

“I never asked your name.” She arched an eyebrow and for a moment he thought she would deny him.

“Layla.”

“I’m Alex.” Her smile returned.

“So, Alex.” She rolled his name over her tongue in what had to be intentional provocation. “Does your sponsor need you?” Alex glanced over to Amos. He was watching them, meeting Alex’s eyes. After a moment he turned back to the screen.

“I think so.” It came out a whisper. He knew Amos wouldn’t leave him behind. But needed? Alex needed him, and that might doom him.

“Be sure.” Her voice was firm. Alex met her eyes again.

“You too. _Make_ sure.” Despite her smile there was a sad cant to her brows.

“I’ve remade myself entirely for him. What else have I got left to give?” Her eyes seemed to beg for an answer.

“I don’t know.” He wished he could help her. “Maybe let him see who you really are?” A child’s advice, but she laughed, any trace of weakness locked away.

“This is who I am now. No, I won’t give up, don’t worry. It’s good to share one’s trouble with a friend.” She squeezed his arm and Alex chuckled, trying to cover up a blush.

“You make friends fast.”

“Well, there’s not much time for it now, is there? I try to find friends where I can. You should too.” Her eyes flickered to the side, her face getting a closed off look. Alex glanced up and saw his crewmates coming towards them. He leaned a little closer.

“Take care, Layla.” Her smile was confined to her eyes.

“Good luck.” Alex left her in the shadows as Amos paused beside them. Amos nodded at Layla, but she just lowered her gaze appropriately. He put his arm loosely around Alex as they left, his thumb coming up to stroke the side of Alex’s neck. Alex didn’t look back.

 

“Who was your friend?” Naomi asked. They’d found a table in the corner, out of sight and Alex was wedged between her and Amos on the sofa.

“Her sponsor is some hotshot Mormon apparently.”

“Did I ask about her sponsor? If I ask about you, do I want to hear about Amos?” Amos snorted.

“Well, I’ve only met her once before. She’s nice. Clever.”

“And pretty.” There was no edge to Amos’ voice, but Alex couldn’t help searching for something in his expression. He met Alex’s gaze calmly, arm still around his shoulders, since they were in public.

“It’s not like that.” Alex grumbled. “That would just be asking for trouble.”

“Who’s asking for trouble?” Holden returned with a tray full of drinks.

“Alex, apparently.” Naomi said with a smile. Alex sighed and leaned back against Amos’ arm. Holden refrained from comment, instead sitting down next to Naomi.

“Here’s to hope.” He said, lifting his glass. They echoed him. Alex noticed Naomi’s hand going to the pocket where the microchip went. He didn’t ask. There was something too fragile about the gesture. She’d tell them when she was ready.

 

“So, guys. I’m sorry, but I have to ask.” Several hours later and Holden was slurring his speech. “And since I’m your captain, _you_ have to answer.” He chuckled a little.

“I don’t remember ever officially settling that question.” Amos didn’t sound quite as drunk, but he usually didn’t.

“That’s not the question here. The question is, are you guys actually sleeping together?”

“Jim!” Naomi smacked his arm, too hard. Alex blinked, mulling over his answer.

“I don’t see what makes you say that.” He muttered. He lifted his head from Amos’ shoulder and tried to sit up straighter, but Amos’ just tightened his arm and it was easier to sink back against him. He was warm and solid.

“’Cause, if you are, I’m fine with it. Really I am. I mean, I still think the whole sponsor-thing makes it creepy as shit, I mean really, really creepy, but if you’re happy, I’m happy. Are you happy?”

“I think _you’re_ a bit _too_ happy.” Naomi gave him a shove. “This isn’t the place.”

“I’m happy.” Amos replied evenly. “You happy, Alex?”

“Sure am.” Alex’s voice wasn’t quite as even, having to suppress a giggle.

“Are you sleeping together, though?”

“How about we get back to the _Roci_.” Naomi didn’t wait for their replies, just pulled Holden up by the arm. Alex chuckled and followed Amos as he rose.

Unsteadily leaning on Amos on the way back to the _Roci_ was something he’d done even before the collar. Holden was leaning on Naomi beside them, and she smiled affectionately as he planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek. Alex smiled too. He _was_ happy.

 

They stayed a few days, taking on some cargo since Fred didn’t pay and they were beginning to run out of scrip. They were headed for Ceres, apparently, and Naomi got this faraway, hopeful, fearful look whenever they brought it up.

Alex was waiting outside a shop, his soft, woollen cap pulled down over his ears as Amos finalised a deal inside, when he saw the broadcast. An image of the heads of the UN flashed on the screen, Avasarala standing straight in the background. A few other Martians stopped and watched, a few Belters. They were by the docks and a lot of the passers-by were workers, whether collared or just poor. An Earther hurriedly pulled a Marian girl away by the arm.

It wasn’t freedom. Not yet. Hardly even really worth mentioning, just a ‘review of the conditions of sponsorship’ after an ‘initial evaluation period’. What it was, when one had sifted through the fine words and political posturing, was light at the end of the tunnel. They’d raised the age needed to be sponsored. Forbidden certain ‘correction tools’ that Alex hadn’t heard of and hoped he’d never learn the function of. There was even a vague statement that they might end certain selected contracts in the future. Not much, when it came to the big picture, but this was a sign that Avasarala was standing by her word.

Alex saw collared men and women sharing wide-eyed looks and smiles and he suddenly felt like there wasn’t enough air. She was doing it. It was happening. His hand moved of its own volition, coming up to grasp the collar in a hard grip. It didn’t feel heavy anymore, rarely felt cold, hard or uncomfortable. It had been months and he’d gotten used to it. Couldn’t really remember how it felt not to wear it. It was _his_ collar, and there must be something really wrong with him to think that.

“Good news, yeah?” He was startled from his thoughts by a man’s voice. He turned to find a Martian watching him with a friendly smile.

“Yeah.” Alex lowered his hand from his collar, stamping down on his anxiety.

“You guys have it rough. Us, we get beaten and shocked but I couldn’t do what you’re doing. Dying a little inside every time.” Alex gave him a glare before he could stop himself. The guy arched an eyebrow. “Or am I wrong in thinking you’re a trinket?”

“No.” Alex muttered.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, you do what you have to do, man.” A second ago it had been dying inside. “I happen to be good friends with a few myself. Perhaps we will be friends as well.”

“Maybe.” Alex glanced at the door to the shop. Wondered how much longer Amos would take.

“This good news is due to the hard work of myself and my friends. The Earthers are realising they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. We will strike again. For Mars.” Oh, no. Alex couldn’t hear this. Didn’t want to know anything that the UN might pry out of him.

“I can’t help you.” Where was Amos?

“Yes, you can, we need more people like you, you have more freedom than most of us.” There was something fevered in the man’s eyes. Alex took a step back, towards the door of the shop. He was supposed to wait outside but this was starting to feel dangerous.

“Where are you going, pet?” A heavy arm around his shoulders, making his hair stand on edge. He didn’t look at the second man, kept his eyes on the first whose smile was still unnervingly friendly. It reminded him of someone.

“Just come with us, we’ll make you see our side.”

“I can’t leave, my sponsor-” Alex made a half-hearted attempt to pull away, but they grabbed him harder.

“He won’t have time to miss you.” He didn’t have much choice, couldn’t get free.

They led him away from the shop. Alex kept quiet, tried not to panic at the thought of Amos not being there. He hadn’t been alone on a station since before the law was passed. They went to a housing area and into a room crowded with bunk beds and mattresses. It was empty and smelled like unwashed bodies and dirty clothes. They let him go. Closed the door.

“Not pretty, is it?” The second guy made an expansive gesture. There was an ugly scar down the side of his face.

“We are animals to them, all of us.” The first guy’s voice was mournful, and Alex realised who he reminded him of: Dawes. He had that same kind of shine in his eyes. Fanaticism. “Do not think your sponsor cares, because he doesn’t. He’d trade you for a younger and prettier toy at the first chance. Join us, beat the Earthers back.”

“Listen, I really can’t help. He doesn’t let me out of his sight, I have less freedom than you guys.” His hand wandered to his pocket, tracing the edge of his hand terminal. There was no way to use it though, not without them noticing.

“Don’t need to be out of his sight. You need to get close.” The fanatic withdrew a knife from his pocket, glinting dully in the light. Alex shook his head as he offered it to him.

“Have you seen him? He’ll break me in half before I’ll even scratch him.” They were tracking the collars. Amos would notice he was gone and all he needed to do was turn on the tracker. Which would require reporting Alex as missing. Which the EMSO would take note of.

“Are you not a Martian?” The guy frowned, still holding the knife out. “Earth will suck Mars dry; there will be no sky for us, no ocean. Only slavery from the day we’re born until we die.”

“Maybe he’s happy as a pet.” The scarred guy’s tone was accusing.

“This isn’t the way to do it!” Alex exclaimed. “They are loosening the restrictions now, antagonising them will only make them crack down on us again.” The fanatic sighed, lowering the knife.

“I defend your kind when the others call you traitors. Some of the strongest men and women I know have at some point or another used their oppressors’ beds for our cause. But you make me ashamed for you.” He raised the knife again, this time not in offer, and Alex took a step back. “I can’t risk you talking.” The scarred guy grabbed Alex by the arms and he was surprisingly strong.

“Wait, wait, let’s talk about this.” They didn’t pause. “I’ll do it, just give me the knife.” The fanatic shook his head.

“Too late.” He should have said yes from the start, should have played along. The knife was long and jagged, would hurt like hell going in and Alex tensed up.

The door to the room crashed inwards. The collar triggered and Alex fell to the ground, half on top of the scarred guy. He’d never been so glad for the electricity burning through him; a collar-shock wasn’t a knife in the gut, wasn’t bleeding out alone on a dirty floor.

It stopped and Alex looked up into the barrel of a gun.

“What have you been doing now, Anton?” A sneering cop addressed the fanatic.

“Just a friendly disagreement.” His friendly smile was back, aimed at the officer. He seemed barely affected, unlike Alex who was gasping for air. He’d had more practice.

“Oh, well we were just passing by when this runaway pops up on our screens.” He smirked at Alex. “Figured we could use a bonus, and mark my surprise when he turns out to be here. What are you up to?”

“Nothing at all, I didn’t know he was on such a tight leash.” He gave Alex a sideways look.

“Sure. You, get up.” He gestured towards Alex and the other cop grabbed him roughly and pulled him to his feet. He lowered his head, held his tongue. “Let’s go.” Alex didn’t look back at the two Martians as the cops led him away.

 

It was a different EMSO office than the one where he’d gotten his collar, on a different station, but it looked the same. Right down to the salesman’s smile on the receptionist’s face. Right down to the burly guard that grabbed Alex’s arm as the cops announced him as a runaway. This time Alex didn’t resist, had learnt the futility.

He was led to a small, white room, in which there was nothing but a sofa and some chairs, one of which had restraints for the arms and legs. That was for him and Alex sat down, trying to suppress the anxiety that bubbled up as the guard locked him in. First wrists, then ankles, and lastly a small click as he fastened Alex’s collar to the back of the chair. Then he left. Alex pushed away the memories of that small, grey room on Earth and the interrogators. This was different. Very different. Alex didn’t know anything more than had been in the manual, only that once Amos had reported him missing the EMSO would track him and let him know when they’d found him. How long would that take?

The door was behind his back, and he startled when it opened. He couldn’t see who it was, but he recognised those footsteps. Amos’ hand landed on his shoulder, thumb stroking his neck and Alex relaxed, relief making him feel almost faint. An EMSO officer followed him, sitting down opposite them.

“Please sit, Mr Burton. We need to discuss what will happen next.” Amos let him go, taking a seat in the chair next to him. “I understand you want to have your RME back as soon as possible, but I’m afraid there are some complications.”

“What complications?” Amos’ demeanour gave away nothing, except to Alex, who saw the tension in his shoulders.

“Normally we don’t do anything if it’s a single incident of an RME running away, but in this case he was found in the company of criminals and I’m afraid we need to treat this rather more severely.” Amos turned his head to Alex.

“I don’t think he ran away.” Alex glanced up at him and shook his head.

“No? What happened then?” The EMSO officer’s eyes were flat as she watched Alex. He opened his mouth. Reconsidered. How much could he say without outing those Martians? He didn’t want the UN to get them. Or did he? They were hurting Mars as much as Earth.

“There were two men. Martians.” He began, voice quiet and body language appropriately intimidated. “They made me come with them. I tried to say no, but they wouldn’t listen.” He hoped they wouldn’t ask him anything else.

“So he didn’t run away.” Amos turned back to the officer. “No need to keep him.”

“I’m afraid there is. Those men are under criminal investigation for a string of thefts and your RME is now part of that.” Thefts, not terrorism. At least as far as she was willing to tell. “We will need to make a full investigation into his background, as well as look into your own and that of your colleagues or crewmates. Just to rule anything out. As long as you cooperate there will be no problems.” Assuming they weren’t hiding anything. Alex glanced at Amos, took in the tension in the lines of his body. They wouldn’t pass a full investigation. Holden and Naomi definitely wouldn’t.

Mars wasn’t helped by terrorism.

“May I speak?” Faint surprise on the EMSO officer’s face. Alex lowered his gaze to the floor. Swallowed. “I think they were planning some kind of attack. They wanted me to join them. Talked about killing sponsors.”

“They said this?” The officer was leaning forward in her chair, fixing Alex with a piercing look.

“He offered me a knife.” Alex shuddered. “Wanted me to use it to… hurt my sponsor. When I said no they were going to kill me.”

“Did you get the impression there were more? An organisation?” She was definitely interested, and maybe this would just be enough to spare them.

“Yeah. He said…” What had he said? “He said that the UN’s statement was due to their work and that they were gonna strike again. ‘Fight back for Mars.’”

“Excuse me.” She rose abruptly and left the room. Amos turned to Alex. There were doubtlessly cameras. They were still performing.

“Was that true, Alex?” Amos reached out to lift his chin.

“Yes.” Alex met his eyes, projecting ‘scared but certain’.

“Do I have to worry about you stabbing me?” There was menace under his light tone. Alex widened his eyes and shook his head frantically.

“Smart.” Amos patted his cheek with a smirk, thumb running over his cheekbone. Alex lowered his gaze, letting Amos stroke his head like a pet. It was part of the act, but his touch was soft.

“I apologise for keeping you waiting.” The door opened and the officer returned. Alex heard a second pair of footsteps, heavier, but their owner didn’t come into his field of view. “I don’t think there’s any reason to keep you, Mr Burton. You may take your RME and go.” Just like that? “If he remembers anything else, please contact us immediately. We take threats like this very seriously. We _will_ be in touch.” Alex jumped a little as a hand pushed his head forward, releasing his collar from the chair. Then the same guard as before came into his view, loosening the rest of his restraints.

“Will do.” Amos took Alex by the arm.

Holden and Naomi were in the reception room, their worried frowns easing when they saw them.

“We’ll talk back on the ship.” Amos said quietly.

 

“So you were kidnapped by Martian freedom fighters?” Naomi’s voice was disbelieving.

“Kidnapped is a strong word.” Alex muttered. He was sitting on a chair in the mess, trying to digest what had happened.

“They were going to kill you.” Holden said and Alex saw Amos’ fists tightening.

“Yeah.” And Alex had sold them out in turn. It began to dawn on him just what he’d done. Sentenced them to death. Them and probably a large part of their group, god knew how many others. People fighting for Mars’ freedom. “If I hadn’t told them they would have found us out. And I don’t think what they’re doing is helping the situation any.” It sounded like a coward’s excuse.

“It will only make the UN clamp down harder on you.” Despite his agreement, Holden wore a frown.

“You did what you had to do, Alex.” Naomi’s voice was more convinced. “Those guys tried to kill you. God knows who else they’ve done that to. You stopped them from going after people who are already vulnerable.” Alex tried to hold on to that. Tried not to think of how those people were now in even worse trouble.

“I need to talk to Alex.” Amos said and Alex gave him a nervous look. He’d been quiet. Holden gave Naomi a raised eyebrow as they left, eyes sliding back to Amos and Alex. She shook her head at him. Amos sighed, eyes roaming over the walls as if looking for something.

“I’m sorry I made you worry.”

“Shit, Alex, don’t apologise.” Amos leaned back against a counter. “The only reason we’re not in a cell now is because of you.”

“Still, I-“

“We need to talk about the news.” Amos voice was dull. Alex didn’t like the sound of that. “I’ll try to get you sent back as soon as they allow it.” Back. To Mars. Alex’s heart stopped.

“What? Why?”

“’Cause of the way people treat you. ‘Cause of things like this.”

“It won’t be better on Mars!” Alex flew up from the chair. His heart had gotten over the shock and was pounding in his throat now. “You’ve seen how they look at me: like am a traitor, and now they’re right!” Amos shook his head.

“They won’t know. And you’d be free.” His demeanour was sad and firm. Alex took a deep, uneven breath.

“No.” He met Amos’ eyes steadily. “I don’t want that.” Amos’ unhappy frown deepened. “Don’t send me away. Please.” He thought he saw Amos’ resolve waver.

“Don’t you want to be free?” There was something mournful in his voice.

“No.” It felt true. Something sparkled in Amos’ eyes. Hope perhaps.

“Then what do you want, Alex?” He whispered. Alex took a step closer.

“You.” He brushed his thumb over Amos’ cheek. “Doesn’t matter if they abolish the whole programme or shackle me hands and feet.” Amos’ eyes, large and as impossible and blue as Earth’s sky, widened and his frown faded.

“Are you sure?” Alex took Amos’ free hand in his.

“Yes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terms specific for this fic:  
> EMSO - Earth-Mars Sponsor Office  
> RME - Registered Martian Expatriate (official)  
> MX - Martian Expatriate (colloquial)
> 
> [Bea Miller - Force of Nature](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyMuC9ZvPAw)
> 
> So there it is: the end. Thank you for reading! My question to you: Do you think it is a happy ending?
> 
>  
> 
> The wonderful Reika88 has made this [fanart](https://reika881.deviantart.com/art/White-Collar-Amos-Alex-708484714)! I'm beyond words, check it out!


End file.
